Penance
by MissusMelancholy
Summary: Bella has always pushed Edward's limits, constantly undermining his self-control. What happens when she finally goes too far? Will she survive? Will Edward ever forgive himself? A very different, much darker version of the events after Eclipse. Complete
1. Chapter 1 Momentary Lapse

**A Momentary Lapse**

**Bella Swan -**

My skin was burned under his touch, my lungs relented in their need for nourishment and I finally blew out the breath that I'd been holding. I tried to rein myself in, but it was no use, and with growing need and frustration I continued to wait for the always untimely departure of Edward's lips and hands. Usually his assaults were even more short lived, and I knew that I should be grateful for these additional moments.

He let his hands wander and I felt his long chilled fingers tracing patterns into the flesh below my arms. A few times his feather-light touch brushed the outside swell of my breast. Edward was concentrating his kisses on the pulsepoint behind my ear - a favorite area that he attends to regularly. I felt as well as heard a low growling, vibrating out of his chest. I knew the end was close now. Sure enough, his jaw tensed as he began to battle his true nature, and started the heartbreak of ending our kiss. The familiar despair enveloped me, it always came when he reached his limits and ended our games.

As Edward leaned away from me, I was slightly taken aback by the dull black finish of his eyes. His lips parted and he shuddered, squeezing his eyes closed again. I could tell from the set of his brow that he was in pain. His breath escaped from him raggedly - brokenly - but his shaking hands knotting in the sheets were evidence that the battle for control was not quite won. His shoulders were still tense as his icy breath coated my face, dazzling me with a sweet heady scent that I can only assume was his venom. We contined to lie there for a few minutes in silence, his body poised above mine but his arms holding off his weight. Finally his body relaxed slightly and he opened his eyes, the matte black replaced by a deep bronze. Edward had won the battle again.

I was not relieved like I should have been. Instead I felt disappointment that Edward had once again beaten his lust for me, pushed it back down in favor of my chastity. My body ached from the need for release.

Edward and I would be married in two weeks, and I was counting down the days until I had a chance to truly get to know Edward - all the different, complex and breathtaking parts of him. I was nervous about losing my virginity, and of course I was still wary that Edward would find a loophole in our pact and refuse to consummate the marriage. But mostly I was looking forward to the wedding because it meant that Edward would at least attempt to quench the thirst inside of me, the one that has been coiling inside my belly since I noticed my bronzed-hair archangel across the crowded lunch room. Every kiss made the need burn hotter, every stroke of his hand caused my impatience to grow.

Two weeks seemed much too long while my whole body was aching with want and lust. Two weeks seemed _much _too long when Edward Cullen's mouth was inches from my chest, and he was breathing hard in frustration and need.

Tonight's passion had caused the thirst to rage and twist through me painfully, the lust was clouding my brain. When Edward looked back down at me with his lightening eyes, I'm sure he saw desperation on my face. Desperation is what I felt crashing through me as he pulled further away, loosening my frantic grip, leaving me aching inside. Desperation was the motive behind my reckless actions. The cause of my death.

**Edward Cullen -**

She arched her chest into my deadly hands, once again trusting me with a treasure that I do not deserve but covet obsessively. My mouth returned to the warm hollow behind her ear, her warm pulse was a comfort to me, and it fed the primal urge that forces my teeth close to the throbbing river underneath her skin. As always, I pushed down the need to bite, chained it up deep inside my chest where it could not reach my beloved's flesh. Her moans and whimpers added to my intoxication, and I was dizzy and bewildered by the overwhelming scent of her. Her blood, her heat, her sweat, her tears all blended together in the room around me, and my constant companions - desire and thirst - flickered up my body and scorched my charred throat.

_He_ wanted to grab her hard, feel her gasp and writhe as my hands roughly kneaded her breasts, hear her sharp squeals as I forced my way inside of her. Mostly my predator wanted to taste her bittersweet lifeblood as I sank my teeth into her, unequivocally and eternally marking her as my own. I heard a feral growl and realized that the sound was coming from my chest.

A shudder racked my frame as I tried to rein myself in, but my predator refused to be silent. I felt him pulling against his chains, reaching for my Beloved with longing and ire and hunger. Venom pooled into my mouth and I forced myself to swallow it, but it did nothing to tame the forestfire in my throat. I clenched my jaw tightly, not trusting myself to open my lips anymore. I pulled away from Bella's face, once again saving her from the predator whose claws often come closer to her than she realized.

I had to close my eyes and re-center myself. The noises she was making were too much, too exquisite. Her breasts were too soft for my crushing fingers, they felt too fragile and precious to be spoiled by hands that had practiced such sin as mine. The smell of her arousal choked me yet I could not breathe it in deeply enough. I was drowning in it happily and I did not want to be saved. But I had to save her, my Bella.

It killed me inside each time I had to leave her thirst unquenched, to fail to meet her needs in such a humiliating way. Neverless, I was afraid that if I took one step further tonight, I would lose the tenuous grip that I had on my frayed control. When I opened my eyes I expected disappointment to color my Beloved's face. However, her eyes held no sadness or anger. Even worse _(or better?)_, they seemed as animalistic and wanton as mine. I slammed my eyes shut again, the beauty of her waif figure laid out below me was clouding my brain. I forced myself to push my body further from her, away from her arms which were wrapped around my back like silken ribbon.

Her face was still flush when I gazed back down at her, her scent was caressing my senses and it was making me high with both pleasure and excrutiating pain. I was so enthralled by looking down at my Bella below me, marvelling at the power and lust that was blazing in her eyes, that her tiny sneaking hand caught me unaware. One moment I was drinking in her face; the flaming red of her lips, the tension in her jaw as her teeth grinded together, the shadows that kissed her face as her eyelashes fluttered. The next, I felt her burning hot hand forcefully grab onto my testicles, and pull.

The predator ripped straight through me--out of me.

In one swift movement, I ripped off her shirt and bra, leaving two long cuts across her chest, marring both of her perfect breasts. In the same motion I flipped her onto her stomach and tore a large swath of fabric from the seat of her pajamas_(pleasenotlikethisgodPLEASE)_. I don't remember taking off my pants, but by the time I landed on her back they were gone, and without hesitation I rammed myself deep inside of my Bella _(ohloveI'msorryohgod)_. At inhuman speed, I pushed myself into her roughly several dozen times, never slowing. One of my hands was tangled in her chaotic hair, pulling her head and arching her back. The other hand was wrapped around her throat, holding her chin up and stretching out her neck. My back was bent as I rutted into her_ (likeananimalaMONSTERohbellaI'msorry_) and my teeth were inches from the pulsing vein in her throat, icy venom was dripping down and sizzling as it hit her fevered skin. In another second I was spilling my seed into her, still pumping in and out in a blur. I closed my eyes again and my predator crouched, ready to pierce her neck and end the games - begin the feast. My feast. My blood. My singer. My beloved.

_Oh my Bella, I'm sorry._

Her scream pierced the air around me, clawing through the fog of my lust and drilling into my head, bringing me back to myself. Suddenly I noticed the placement of my hands, the nakedness of our bodies, the scent of fresh blood and terror around me. I dropped my hands from Bella's delicate, lowling head and one came back covered in strawberry-scented hairs. When I released her she fell forward, and I think _(pray?) _that she's surely fainted. But God did not love me, nor my Bella, and she was not granted the respite of sleep. Instead she finally gathered her strength and curled her frame into a ball on her bed. She began to shiver. I noticed the blood that trickled down the back of my Beloved's thigh. My long dead heart was sucked right out of my chest and I felt my sanity begin to crumble.

Even though I was absolutely abhorred with myself, the predator was still loose within me, the battle raged on. Bella's scream had been enough to distract him momentarily from his one true driving force, but the diversion was short lived as he drank in the scents in the room; arousal and fear, the floral smell of her sweat, but most of all, the rich salty aroma of her free-flowing blood. I looked down at my broken Bella curling into herself and I wished very much that I could die. But I knew that my punishment could never be that swift or true. In disgust I realized that my eyes were locked on the vein visable on her upper thigh, which was pulsing quickly in time with her rapid heartbeat. God and my predator still agreed that I needed to finish her, that the feast was only just beginning. My predator crouched once again to spring, envisioning how his teeth _(my teeth)_ will tear her skin like tissue, how her lifeblood will pulse into our mouth.

I held my now tattered rope of self-control like a drowning man, I tried to remember who I am and the people that I come from - and still it was not enough. The aromas in the air threatened to take me under, tried to lull me into the darkness of release and primal instinct. I clung to all of the memories that I had of my Beloved: _her reaction to my skin in our meadow, her eyes when I gave her mother's ring, the smell of her pillowcases, the way she arches her body into me even with the knowledge of what I am._

I whimpered and my predator tried to revolt but I used everything that I possess to keep my body still.

_Her love and acceptance of my family, her modesty and humility and courage. Her beauty. Her compassion. Her forgiveness. Her trust._

Those thoughts of her were barely enough, but they were enough. I threw myself through the glass of her bedroom window and into the night.

Five hundred feet from her house, as I hurled myself across the river and into the forest, I caught a flash of movement and smelled my sister Alice running for Bella's yard. As she passed I heard _Just run Edward let me care for her just run _

And so I ran.

_I have lost the war._

**Bella Swan - **

_I shouldn't have touched him oh god he told me oh god I'm dying because I touched him_

The act itself was so quick, I didn't really register what was happening until it was over. One moment, I was deciding that I would tease him, to show him what its like to be touched and ruffled and then left unsatisfied in the end. The next moment, I was on my stomach and something was burning me, _tearing me, _and I realized that most of my clothes were gone and (_ohmygodohnoohno) _Edward was inside of me. My head was being held off of the bed by my hair, and another hand was around my throat, making it hard to breathe. It hit me that Edward was hurting me, maybe even killing me. I screamed at a sudden sear of pain inside of me, and suddenly the presence behind me was gone. Without the support my ravaged body slumped forward, and I fell onto my side.

My mind was still reeling, trying to connect how all of this pain and bewilderment has come about. My insides felt numb yet shredded and I curled myself into a ball and wrapped my hand around my belly where the pain was worst. I heard jagged breaths behind me, and then a whimper that sounded desperate yet sad. Glass crashed and I felt the cold rush of night air. I realized that I was quaking all over. Another cramp hit me and I gripped myself and squeezed my eyes shut against the pain. Somewhere far away, a wail of agony sounded, as if some large predator was in the throes of death. The next thing I felt, besides the mind-shattering ache deep inside me, was the cool touch of Alice's hands.

Alice's arms wrapped underneath me and lifted, and I wailed against the sudden movements. I could hear her voice close to my ear, chanting soothing words too quickly for me to understand. I still had my eyes closed tightly, but I felt the familiar rush of wind that told me she was running toward home. Tears pushed themselves between my eyelids and absorbed into Alice's sweater. I could feel a hot slickness between my legs. I noticed that I was still wearing the remnants of my pajamas and for a small moment I was actually embarrassed that my new family would see me in this state. But this new worry didn't occupy me long as the pain in my belly seemed to spread and grow hotter. Within seconds I was bucking against Alice in my agony and she struggled to contain me as we reached the front door. I decided in that moment that I was going to die. I knew that Edward would die with me.

**Edward Cullen -**

I ran Northwest until I reached the sea.

During my run to the water and back I learned several new things. First, I learned that vampires _can_ indeed cry. There are no tears to be sure, but crying can still occur without tears, the process is just more painful, though not painful enough if you ask me. As I ran against the wind and through storms, I wailed out my sorrow and sobs racked through me incessantly. If I stopped running even for a moment my legs would not support me and I would collapse into the dirt and claw at my face and chest.

Second, I learned that while Carlisle and vampires like him do exist, it is the overall nature of my kind to be parasites - unworthy of life. I learned that I am indeed a vessel of evil, as I have sullied a direct gift from God. I also hated God for ever giving me such a fragile, priceless gift, when surely he must have knew that I would break it.

Third, I learned that I had killed Bella.

Carlisle called me sometime during my foray into the mountains, and I got his message when I reached the beach. It was a simple text message, but its contents confirmed all of the sin and sadism that I've always known lies at the heart of what I am.

_'It has begun. She'll be one of us soon.'_

And so I sat down on this rock looking out over the gray water, and I let the despair wash over me. My body contorted with sobs of sorrow and regret. I suppose the news of Bella's human death, and her birth into an eternal death, had finally cut the small line that held my mind together. I have taken the thing that gave me the most pleasure in the world and gained its trust, loved it, and then desecrated it. I have ruined something more beautiful and valuable than myself. I have coveted her and destroyed her. Taken from her and returned to her an unbearable life. I could not bring myself to leave her alone and now I have sentenced her to my sentence, a punishment she could not even understand.

After several more hours of being lost in grief, I tried to gather myself enough to gauge how long I've been here. The sun was setting so my betrayel must have happened almost 24 hours ago. Bella was deep into the change now, and my mind wondered whether her broken body had knitted itself back together yet. Not that it mattered really, because right now my Bella was burning. And I had set her aflame.

I knew that I did not deserve to apologize, to even look upon her innocent and trusting face. But I had to answer for what I'd done, and spend the rest of my existance doing penance for my crime. Without any hope of forgiveness, I must help her survive the pain and cruelty of this inescapable fate.

And so I turned and ran back home.

I began to pick up my family's thoughts miles before I reached the house. Of course they were worried, anxious and despondant over what I had done. I could already tell that they did not blame me, but instead of providing me with comfort it enraged me further. I turned the anger inwards, where it belonged, and the hole inside of me grew larger, threatening to overtake me. How could they ignore the beastiality I have displayed? I had hurt her so much, in so many ways. _I raped her. _There could be no forgiveness for that.

I could gather that Carlisle was looking over Bella, he reached down to brush a wayward hair from her face and pondered my Bella's new otherworldly beauty. I was deeply grateful that someone was with her, but once again I was aggravated by his thoughts regarding her change - _how can you enhance what was already perfect?_ In his mind's eye I saw that she was suddenly thrashing, wailing in desperation, begging for death.

I was right outside the line of trees behind the house but I hesitated. While I knew that this was where my duty lied, now that I was here I was terrified of seeing my Beloved. The evidence of my unforgivable sin would be undeniable. I could hear her labored breathing and throaty sobs floating toward me on the wind.

My body was shaking harshly, but I could feel her rapid heartbeats reverberating in my frame, racing and sputtering like a rabbit caught in a trap. I could not help the loud moan that escaped me and rumbled through the forest, scattering the birds into flight. I heard Alice directing her thoughts my way, but the soothing tenor instantly disgusted me.

_Edward, dear, we all love you. We're very sorry for how things have happened but it's too late to change it now. Bella will come out of this healthy and strong, you know that. And she will need you after this is over. Come into the house when you are ready._

I snorted sarcastically at Alice, loud enough so she could hear me. Her intentions were pure, she was trying to make things better and I clung to that thought in an attempt to keep from lashing out at her. My fists were clenched tightly and I could feel my nails cutting into my granite flesh. My chest didn't seem to be working, I could not draw a breath to steady myself. Rage rushed through me - mostly at myself for killing my savior, but also at my family for their acceptance of such evil. Bella was barely on the cusp of her life, and I had selfishly snuffed out her future and tore away her innocence. They should all hate me just as I hate myself, just as Bella would hate me when she finally opened her blood-tinted eyes.

I tried to mentally prepare myself for the onslaught of well-meaning condolenses which would cut me like daggers. I arranged my face into a mask of sanity so that my family would allow me to see my broken Bella. I finally drug in a breath and it added to the heavy, deep hole in my center. I prepared to let the pain and grief swallow me, just as I deserved. Then I walked into the house with my face lowered and headed straight for the stairs, to face what I had done.

Instantly I was overwhelmed by the sounds she was making. Her voice was raw and broken as she begged for relief, and each new groan almost brought me to my knees on the stairs. I finally reached Carlisle's office, and even though the scene was much like what I had imagined outside, of course it was no easier to bear. Medical supplies, computer printouts and ancient books littered all of the tables and chairs and covered a good deal of the floor. Alice and Carlisle were in the room, looking at me and wondering about the best way to approach me. I dismissed them instantly, and my eyes settled on the writhing mass arching on the table.

Her hair was wild and damp, her whole body was covered in a sheen of sweat. Somehow they had held her still enough to wrap a hospital gown around her, but she had pulled it halfway off in her hysterics and the wetness of her body caused it to stick to her skin. I walked nearer to her, apprehensive, waiting on the moment when she spotted me and, hopefully, spat in my face. She was still twisting like a woman possessed and was so engulfed in her own agony that she did not see me at all until I was inches from her, struggling with whether or not I should touch her.

Her eyes met mine for only a fraction of a second, but it was long enough to realize that there was no comprehension there. Her pupils were dialated and the whites of her eyes are red with blood and tears. Her eyes slid over mine and she was once again gazing to the left of me, not focusing on anything but the pain. My heart broke for the one millionth time. Her shrill scream needled through the room, much like the one that saved her life during the attack. The end of the wail was laced with obsenities and she babbled until her throat was raw and her voice extinguished. While she was no longer capable of making noise, she continued to try.

I was still standing a few inches from her side, and my eyes were closed as I made myself endure her screams and pleas. And I deserved no reprieve so I pried my eyes open again and forced myself to look at her face, even though she would not look at mine. I tentatively reached out to touch her arm, which seemed to be bending in unnatural ways. When my cool skin hit her, she instinctively cowered and hissed. She finally looked at me but there was still no recognition in her eyes, only terror and pain and despair.

After a few more hours of listening to my Beloved lose her mind, I decided that it was time to vary my punishment and finally talk to my family. They wouldn't all face me at once because they were worried about my fragile psyche. I could hear their anxious thoughts downstairs and I chuckled a humorless laugh in response. As if there was anything left of my psyche at all. As if it hadn't been sick and black to begin with.

Carlisle had stayed in the room with Bella and I. I tried to lay down beside her to let my icy touch cool her fever, but she clawed and gnashed at my face. I gratefully took her phyiscal punishment and swallowed her raspy cries and oathes like pills. I heard Carlisle clear his throat, and I knew that he was trying to pull my attention away from Bella. I nodded my head towards him to acknowledge that I was listening, but I couldn't remove my eyes from my Bella's ravaged face.

"Why didn't you just let her die, Carlisle?", it was the first time I'd spoken since I returned.

Carlisle hesitated before he answered me, but I instantly pulled the truth from his mind.

_Her injuries were severe...not fatal. She was changing when she got here._

I watched Carlisle's memory from last night. Alice kicking in the door with Bella fighting in her arms, blood covering them both.

I finally made eye contact with Carlisle, willed myself to remember and understand, but terrified of what I might find. I had no memory of biting her, and I had forced myself to replay my actions that night a thousand times since then. I remembered taking her roughly, ramming myself into her yeilding flesh. I remembered pulling out her hair and watching the two long wounds blossom on her breast, but I did not remember using my teeth at all. I only remembered fighting the urge with all that I had, and then running like I should have done in the first place. Carlisle's thoughts snapped me back to the present.

_Edward, your thrusting caused some tearing, and when you ejaculated, your venom entered her internal wounds and mixed into her blood stream. By the time Alice got her here she was well into the change._

And once again my long-dead heart cracked, and I fell down the rabbit hole that had been gaping in my chest.

I spent the next day and a half on my knees by her makeshift bed. I kneeled beside her, my back slumped and my head hanging down into my arms, as if I were a child saying their prayers before the watchful eyes of God. She was all cried out for most of it, but the defeated mewling sounds she made after that were even harder to bear. All the violence was drained out of her now, her movements were small and weak, as if she had given up. We listened together to the sound of her racing heartbeat, galloping towards death. Alice tried to convince me to sing her lullaby, in hopes of soothing her, but I could not bring myself to do it after my betrayal.

The last few hours she simply cried out her last human tears, and her shoulders shook and her chest buzzed as her heart continued to accelerate. The soft crying began to cresendo into a breathy wail, and then her heart finally exploded as she bleated like a lamb being slaughtered. Then silence.


	2. Chapter 2 Newly Born

**Newly Born**

**Bella Swan - **

As I came back to myself, I laid out a strategy in my mind before daring to open my eyes, deciding whether to fight, weighing out methods of escape. I could tell that there were others in the building with me and by their scents I knew that they were somehow familiar to me. However, I couldn't quite think of who they were _(who am I?)_ because the only thing I could dredge up in my mind was the pain that racked me for what seemed like years. My body still felt hot from the flames that had eaten me alive, and I could still feel the remnants of the cremation, like embers, smoldering in my throat.

In a flash, I was up against the wall, teeth bared, a low, throaty growl eminating from my chest. In the next second I realized that I couldn't breathe, because something large and rough and white-hot had indeed been thrust down my throat. My hands reached up to cup my neck and I bent over at the waist, overwhelmed by the intensity and lust and _need_ that I felt. My brain quickly registered all of the new sensory perceptions, filed them away for me to think about later. I began to gag and wretch, trying to dislodge or soothe or tear out whatever was scorching the tunnel of my neck. As my body was bent over, I noticed the dirty cloth of the hospital gown hanging in front of me, my mind duly noted that it was never tied. I straightened up a little as my brain finally catalouged my nudity, and my eyes did their very first scan around the disheveled room.

Instantly it all came crashing down around me. I remembered how quickly Edward had flipped me over and tore off my clothes. I remembered the quick dull pain of his attack and the impossible scorch that followed it. I remembered Alice's cool hands carrying me into this house, screaming for Carlisle, bounding up the stairs with me as I watched the trail of blood that followed us. I remembered seeing Edward at my bedside, burning with me, and I remembered lashing out at him and wishing I that could kill him or he could kill me. I remembered calling out for my Mother. I remembered listening to my heart stop.

_I am a vampire. _

"Bella?" Carlisle approched me cautiously, and for the first time I noticed Emmett, Rosalie and Jasper in the doorway. They were watching me closely, and I suddenly realized that they were afraid that I was going to lash out at Carlisle. I growled at their ignorance. They must have misunderstood my anger because they moved further into the office, closer to us.

"Bella dear," Carlisle started again, almost close enough to touch me now, "everything is fine, and no one here will hurt you. Here, I'd like to give you this."

He held out a dark colored bag. It smelled dirty yet somehow still very appealing.

"It's deer blood Bella, and it will help with your pain. Later we will take you hunting, but for now maybe you should just drink out of these bags - "

I tore the bag from his fingers and ripped into it with my teeth. The bag exploded everywhere and the blood rushed out to soak my dirty hospital gown and the ends of my tangled hair. I managed to get some of the liquid in my mouth, and I shuddered in pleasure as the thick blood coated my throat. I noticed another four bags sitting in a box at Carlisle's feet, and I dove towards it, greedily breaking in to another bag of the precious substance.

When I had decimated all five bags, I looked up to survey my surroundings again. I had made a quite a mess of myself and the floor of the office, blood was spattered on the walls and the papers on the floor were sticking to the congealing puddles. I had a sudden irrational urge to lick the floor clean. I started to crouch down when another voice spoke.

"Bella, love, you don't have to do that. I'll get some more bags from the freezer." The voice broke on the last word. My body tensed with recognition, and I gasped.

_Edward._

I hadn't had a chance to think about Edward yet, or what he had done to me. Most of my being wanted to lunge at him, rip him apart for the pain he caused me, and is continuing to cause me. Yet something kept me from doing so. I knew that the reason had something to do with my time before the pain started. But that time was blurry, like trying to look through a very dirty windshield, or into the depths of murky water.

For reasons that I couldn't quite comprehend I knew that I shouldn't be mad at Edward. So I tried very hard to squash the rage building in me. But when I started to arrange the pieces of the night of my change, I remembered what a big part he played, and I became very scared. This man had hurt me, had _changed_ me. He has taken so much, taken me away from my home, my life.

Rosalie and Emmett stepped back into the hall and Edward came back through the doorway with another box of blood. I eyed him warily. He set the box down on the floor and nervously moved towards me, holding out one of the bloated red bags. I edged away from him, tensing to spring or run, looking for an escape. He noticed my terror and it seemed to pain him greatly. He made a strange noise in his throat that sounded like sob, and I cowered away from that as well.

Slowly, without taking his dead eyes off of my face, he set the bag down a few feet in front of me and backed away. I was afraid to reach down for it while he was anywhere close, but the smell of the contents made my throat ache terribly. When he was about twelve feet away from the bag I finally reached down and snatched it. I took the bag and the box (it seemed to weigh absolutely nothing at all), and fled to the back corner of the office, where I could suck my bags dry and watch everyone else in the room.

Edward sat at the oppisite corner of the office and watched me as I fed greedily. I was still too anxious to look directly at him, so I stared at everything _but _him, watching him in my peripherial vision. Every now and then he would push his hair back off his forehead and sigh deeply. Most of the time he spent hugging his legs, his shoulders shaking as he cried tearless sobs.

**Edward Cullen -**

_You did this._

I was prepared to spend my whole life leaned back against the wall in Carlisle's office, watching and listening to the beast that was my Bella. Her jaw and neck were covered in blood, gore hung black in her hair. She was mostly nude, the hospital gown was now soaked through as well and it hung loosely from her. She was sitting about fifteen feet from me, and although she was busy with the task of sating her thirst, I noticed that she was still watching me relentlessly. I knew that she had remembered the attack, the memory of becoming is one of the strongest and clearest after the change. Of course I couldn't blame her for keeping her distance, but I wanted so badly to soothe her, I wanted to spend years simply wailing apologies. When I tried to approach her with nourishment she cringed away from me, so I did not attempt to speak or move nearer to her, for fear of spooking her futher.

When she emptied all of the bags, she sat back onto her haunches. She finally looked at me full in the face, and my heart shattered once again. Her eyes were still wary, and terrified. I had expected anger when she finally awoke, but for now there was no sign of rage on her perfectly scuplted face. I almost chuckled when I thought _Bella never does what I expect_, but then I remembered what I'd done and my eyes dropped. She also seemed to be searching my face, trying to find the answers buried there. While her body was still coiled to spring, she seemed to calm further and accept that I didn't plan to approach her. She seemed to be waiting for me to speak, so I pulled in a final stuttering breath and began.

"I'm not sure how much you remember about me Bella, but my name is Edward Cullen and I love you. We were engaged to be married and I lost control of myself while we were kissing. I hurt you Bella, and for that I will suffer for the the rest of my life." My voice was cracking so badly that I was afraid she wouldn't be able to understand me, so I stopped for a moment to gather myself.

"I am so very, deeply sorry for what I have done but I do not expect, nor would I accept, your forgiveness. I am going to stay and help you through your first year, and then after that I will leave you alone for good, like I should have done so long ago. You certainly do not have to enjoy my company, or be kind to me or even speak to me, because I can see that you remember the pain I caused and that you are afraid of me. I know that you have no reason to ever trust me again, my love, but I will promise you regardless that I will never lay a hand on you, that I will unconditionally love, support and protect you, and that I'll spend the rest of my existance making this easier for you."

"I want to be out of this room", she hissed abruptly.

Her new, gravelly voice stunned me momentarily, but I recovered and said, "Of course dear. Would you like to take a shower? Or maybe just go down into the family room to sit, everyone has missed you."

At the word 'family' her shoulders jerked as if she had been slapped. I knew she was thinking of Charlie and her mother, and I watched and suffered with her as her features were washed in agony. "I want to be alone", she snapped.

And so I led her to our room, well, her room now. I had not entered it since my living hell began, and I had no desire to ever claim it again. Everything in here represented the clashing of Bella and I's worlds. All of my linens still carried her fragile human scent. As I ushered her in she seemed to remember the room, her eyes swept the small space for threats and then she began to look over it again, taking in all of the small pieces. As she inventoried she did a slow turn, and soon she was facing me. Quickly and without warning she slapped me, and the loud, abrupt sound surprised us both. Her newborn strength caused me to stagger and I hissed instinctively but I clung to the burn of my cheek like a lover. She was still glaring at me with rage when I opened my eyes again, but when she saw the acceptance and love on my face she threw her head back and howled. The sound cut me deeper than any of the torture before.

She crumbled onto the carpet and curled into herself once again. The memory of the last time I saw her like this struck me like lightening and I was brought to my knees as well. I crawled toward her as her body was racked with tearless sobs, I watched as she tore furrows into the carpet with her nails. I knew I shouldn't touch her, so when I got a few feet from her on the floor I sat up and pulled my legs to my chest. Her cries were laced with self-pity and despair, while mine were peppered with apologies. Together we laid in the bedroom floor and sobbed for the loss of Bella.

**Bella Swan - **

We were still on the floor hours later when I heard someone coming up the stairs in the hall. The footsteps continued toward Edward's door and I was surprised that I knew somehow that it was Carlisle. He knocked softly and entered without waiting for an answer. Edward suddenly growled at him and then lowered his face back down to his knees. I welcomed his presence because I noticed that he had another box with him and it smelled of blood, warm this time.

"This is the last of our stocks in the house, my dear. I'm sure you understand this has been a little unexpected for all of us. Rosalie and Esme are in the woods now, gathering more for you. They should be back in a few minutes."

I pulled the box across the floor to rest in front of me, I was strangely and powerfully protective of it. Edward pulled his head back up and it seemed like he was forcing himself to look at me. I noticed that his eyes are a deep coal black. For some reason I took one of the bags out of the box and threw it at him forcefully. He looked surprised but caught it effortlessly.

"Eat it." I hissed.

"Bella, I can't -"

I tensed suddenly and shouted into his face. I could feel a bitter, icy liquid pouring into my mouth and I spat it at him as I hissed again, "_Eat it._"

His shoulders slouched and he tore a small hole, he fed cleanly. For some reason it enraged me, yet pleased me at the same time.

Of course I was still watching Carlisle the entire time, and the door because I could tell that Alice, Emmett and Jasper were all downstairs. Carlisle seemed even more nervous around me now and I vaguely wondered if maybe I should be angry with him as well.

"Bella dear, I know that you are overwhelmed, but you must trust that I will do whats best for you now, and I will keep you very safe. Right now dear, that means leaving this house for a while. There are humans at a close proximity to this place, especially since you have gone missing. We need to take you somewhere to gather yourself dear, and then you can come back one day if you'd like." Carlisle crouched down beside me, and started to reach out for me but thought better of it and pulled away.

He sighed and crooned softly, "Things will be hard for a while Bella dear, but I promise that it will get easier for you. It is completely acceptable to mourn your old life, and I will be honest and tell you that your human life has indeed ended much too soon. Much too quickly."

Edward's shoulders shook but he said nothing.

"We have a cottage in Northern Alaska and the we will stay with you there, as long as you like, until you are ready to be around humans again."

I was quiet for a few minutes while I absorbed some of what Carlisle had said.

_It's over. Bella Swan is gone. Her family is in mourning. My family._

"Where is my family?"

I was surprised that Edward answered me. His voice sounded thick and slurred, almost drunk. "Most people have gathered at the Holiday Inn in town. That's where your mother is staying, and Charlie's house is still considered a crime scene."

_Crime scene._

"What do they think?" I didn't know what else to say.

This time it was Carlisle who sighed, and stated gently, "There was a rapist in Seattle. Edward heard his thoughts months ago. Our family planted the evidence necessary to make it seem as if he broke in to your house, incapacitated you and then took your body to an unknown location. The authorities believe that all of us but Alice were out of town on a hiking trip, and we have witnesses to corraborate our story. Alice has spent time with your father and mother since the incident, but the rest of us just learned of the tragedy a few hours ago. We are on our way home now."

I was dazed by how quickly and efficiently the tale of my death rolled off of Carlisle's tongue. It was a reasonably believable story, but terribly tragic. It would make headlines across our state I was sure.

_Murdered._

I sat and pondered for a few more seconds, trying to imagine my family intermingling like they hadn't done in years. I tried to imagine Ben and Angela_ (Ben? Angela?) _entering the drab hotel suite, and for some reason I was sure her that face would be red and streaked with tears. Rage built inside of me again as I realized that even during my daydream, I couldn't picture anyone's face clearly. Even my mother's features were washed out and fuzzy. Her voice was muted.

I realized that the whole town would be jolted - shocked out of their daily lives. They would all be scared.

_They should be scared. Of the monsters in the woods. Of Edward. Of me._

My body jerked upright. "Let's go", I nodded to Carlisle.

"Would you like to clean up a bit first, Bella love?" Edward's voice was soft and hesitant but it was laced with hysteria.

"Why should I hide what I am, Edward?" I asked bluntly. As an afterthought I added, "And my name is _Isa_bella. Isabella Cullen."

_Bella Swan is dead._

Edward's face broke into a huge, gaping smile and I figured that he's finally slipped over the edge. I felt a small tinge of regret but then I remembered the feeling of his hand yanking at my hair and I pushed all my sympathy back down into my chest. Edward's face lowered back down to his knees and his whole body quaked. I could only watch and burn in my own grief.

**Edward Cullen - **

Carlisle left the room quickly after Bella..._Isabella_...silently dismissed him by standing up and walking toward the closet. He walked down the stairs and I heard him ask me gently to come down for a family meeting, to discuss Isabella and the upcoming move. I didn't bother to acknowledge him. Why they would want my input on such things was beyond me. Had I not already proven that I was incapable of taking care of my Bella?

_No, Isabella, and not mine anymore._

I could hear Isabella in the closet changing clothes, apparently she had changed her mind and decided that her attire was not suited for the travel that lay ahead. I did not have the strength nor the courage to look up when she moved from the closet to her bathroom.

I heard Alice outside of the door and she telepathically asked me for permission to enter. Again I said nothing. She slinked in regardless and crouched down in front of me, bringing her nose inches from my hair.

_The police are on their way. Of course they suspect Fieldman - he's already been arrested - but they want to cover all their bases anyway. Her father wont be with them, he's sedated. Since I've already seen the police and Charlie, I'm going to run with Bella into the woods. _

Even though my shame kept me from looking upon my Beloved's face, I could not even entertain the idea that she would be away from me. My head jerked up while I whimpered at Alice, and I started stuttering out reasons why I could not stand to be apart from her.

Alice's hand clenched mine tightly enough that I felt a jolt of pain move up my arm.

_She will be safe with me Edward. And maybe she will talk, or better yet - hunt. You can meet us in the woods after the police have seen you. Carlisle has a plan to get our family away from the area without suspision, but it will take a few weeks._

My mouth opened and closed quickly and Alice saw the panic in my eyes at the thought of being seperated for weeks.

_You wont have to wait that long, Edward. Because of your current state we thought it would be better if your involvement was minimal. After you meet with the detectives this afternoon, you can meet Bella and I in the woods._

"Isabella." I said softly. "She prefers to be called Isabella now."

Alice just stared at me with sympathy in her eyes and I lowered mine again to keep from screaming. Graceful as always, my sister rose up from the floor and walked slowly toward the bathroom door. She cooed at Isabella to open the door, she promised not to hurt her, not even to touch her. I picked my head up to watch, hopeful yet terrified that Bella _(ISABELLA!)_ would answer.

Alice turned her head back over her shoulder and looked at me.

_Go downstairs, Edward. The police are here._

* * *

When I got to the bottom of the steps I heard soft conversation and muffled sobs. My family was sitting around the living room, paired up as usual. There were two uniformed officers sitting nervously on the loveseat, and a man in a suit was leaning close to the fire.

There were backpacks and camping supplies littering the front hall, as if they had all been dropped there and forgotten. Rosalie and Esme both had tissues balled up in their hands, resting against their lips. Jasper looked the most sincerely disturbed, and I could see that his entire frame was shaking uncontrollably. I assume that most of his agony was being caused by me, but unfortunately I could not seem to care. Everyone's eyes were wet, even though none of us can actually cry.

_No little detail escapes us. Oh no. My family is so good at deception. We are such efficient killers._

Everyone turned to stare at me when I walked in the room, especially the strangers. I could see the way that I appeared to them in their thoughts, and it was obvious that acting woouldn't be necessary for me. Grief poured off of me in waves, and my face was twisted into an otherwordly despair. Esme reached out to touch my arm and I allowed the contact only out of pretense. She led me to sit on the couch beside her, where I collapsed, staring straight ahead, seeing nothing.

As Esme was pulling me down beside her on the sofa, I heard Isabella and Alice drop from my window and sprint to the trees. The hole in my chest gaped wider, threatening to swallow us all. The suited man asked me several questions, but I didn't answer any at first. I couldn't seem to keep my attention focused on him.

_This guy is in shock, no doubt about it. Like a walking dead man. God help this kid when he finally comes out of it. It looks like he hasn't slept in days. _The thoughts were from the taller of the two policeman, who was watching me with pity in his eyes.

Mostly I heard the suited man and Carlisle talking in hushed tones. When I did not reply to direct questions Carlisle tried to answer for me, and seemed apologetic to the detective for his son's inability to focus. At Esme's silent urging, I tried to concentrate on the men and answer their queries. I faired well for a few minutes but when the tall policeman asked me if I had ever seen Isabella with anyone who seems odd or dangerous, I broke back into hysterical sobs and began to rock myself furiously on the couch.

I could tell from the detective's thoughts that my quasi-performance had eased any doubts he had about my family's innocence. He noted that even in his line of work, he rarely sees anyone as anguished and hopeless as I. _I should have that poor kid admitted to the psyche ward, it seems like he's getting worse by the second. Well, his father is a doctor and I'm sure he know's whats best._

With a few more routine questions and polite handshakes, the humans took their leave quickly. Like most everyone else, they were uncomfortable around us. As the detectives reached their squad car I could hear them discussing me. How tragic it all was. How badly they felt for me.

_Her killer._

Everyone except Esme and Carlisle retreated from the family room, and I did not bother to look up. Esme's cool hands were tracing small circles on my back, and I hated it but I didn't believe I had it in me to stop her. I was still shaking badly, my hands pulled at my hair with their iron grip. Suddenly I remembered that I since the police have left, I could go to her. I jumped up off the couch.

"Edward," Carlisle sighed, sounding exhasperated, "you can't leave yet. You need to gather more supplies and sit down and speak with us. About what we plan to do from here."

"I can't stand to be away from her, father." I pled.

He ignored me and continued. "I will spread the word tomorrow that you attempted suicide. We will claim that we have decided as a family to return to Alaska where Esme's family lives, and also where there is a nearby facility to deal with your PTSD. After all that's happened, we will decide that it is in the best interests of our family to remove ourselves from where there are so many memories with Bella. I will claim that after we found you hanging in your closet, Alice took you to the psychiatric hospital to have you admitted, and plans to stay with you in Alaska while she finds a suitable home for the rest of the family."

Carlisle sighed again, sounding even more resigned. "You will meet Alice in the forest and take Bella to our Northern lands. Once we finish all of our business here, we will meet you at the cabin. We'll decide what to do next from there. I will call and have the electricity turned on, but you and Alice will have to stock it once you get there, we can't risk Bella smelling any delivery men for a while."

"Her name is Isabella now." I answered automatically. However, I nodded, appeased by the plan because it included getting to stay with her. Whether she wanted me there or not, I _needed_ to be where she was, at least for now. Every second I was away I ignored my sentence of absolute loyalty.

Even though Isabella's disdain ripped at me, I craved it. I deserved it and I would relish it.

"Son, we will help you in whatever way we can." Esme's words were quiet and full of sadness. I felt a pain like my chest imploding and wrapped my arms around my middle.

By killing Bella I had broken two hearts - two good, pure hearts.

**Isabella Cullen -**

I was sitting by the fire, in the middle of a grove of impossibly tall trees. The log I was perched on sat mere inches from the flames but I did not feel the heat. My eyes were closed but my mind was racing. I couldn't believe how close I'd came to ravaging those police officers as they made their way from their cars to the door. As soon as I exited Edward's bathroom I had smelled them, so salty and gamey and _sweet. _Were it not for Alice's iron grip I would have ripped out their throats - sucked on their still-beating hearts. I would have savaged them, feasted upon them.

_Killed them._

Alice was sitting on the opposite side of the fire and she did not speak to me. She probably already knew from her gift that no matter which way she approached me, I would only lash out or cringe back. She hadn't tried to talk to me on the run here at all, which pleased me. The only time she touched me was when she incapacitated me when the I smelled the humans. Once they were seated in the house, she wrapped her tiny arms around me and slung us out of Edward's window. She drug me along as she ran deeper into the woods, and after we had sprinted for about ten minutes, she let go of my arm. By then we were well out of scent-range, and the bloodlust had left my brain. I no longer needed to be restrained. Already disgusted with myself I only sprinted quicker into the wilderness, away from temptation.

"Edward will be here in a moment dear." I cringed visabily when Alice whispered his name.

"I'm only telling you so that you wont be scared when he approaches. He means you no harm." After a moment, she added, "He loves you".

Her simple statement made me think back to when I had first awoken, and he had told me that we were engaged to be married. I thought about the look of destitution in his eyes and for the first time I realized how remorseful he must be.

I thought about the bloodlust I had experienced moments before and wondered how he had _ever_ approached me without killing me. I knew that I would have killed those humans if Alice hadn't stopped me, so I tried to decide if I would have still done the same if my father had been one of them. In utter disgust I realized that it would not have mattered. I would have drained him along with the rest.

_Because I am a monster._

I heard Edward then, even though he was still a some distance away. He was moving very quickly and seemed to be dragging something, he must have already known where the campsite was. When he arrived at the treeline, he stopped moving, waiting.

Alice sighed and turned to face him. "Bring the deer over here, Edward, she wants the blood now".

She was right, of course. I wanted it _badly._

Edward's back was loaded with a large duffel bag that had pans and utensils hanging from it. He drug an animal by its antlers over to me, and then dropped it at my feet. It looked peaceful, like it was sleeping.

_It is not sleeping, Isabella. It is dead._

Alice spoke in a singsong voice that distracted me. "Would you like me to show you how to drain it, dear?"

I shuddered and shook my head sharply.

Without another word Edward began digging through the duffel that had been slung over this back. He pulled out some rope and untied a large bucket from the bag. Quickly and efficiently he strung the animal into a nearby tree, hanging it upside down with its face dangling a few feet off of the forest floor. Edward slid the bucket underneath it and slit the animal's throat with his fingernail.

Blood gushed into the bucket and fire scorched up my throat. Edward untied a smaller pot from the duffel bag and dipped it into the warm blood, then brought it over to me. I didn't shy away from him this time but I snatched the pot before he could get too close and it sloshed all over me. I drank greedily.

I heard Edward mumble "I'll be fine" and then I sensed that Alice had ran back into the forest. My eyes met Edward's questioningly. I did not like that we were alone.

Seeming to understand, Edward's shoulders slouched even lower and he took Alice's seat on the opposite end of the fire. "Alice just went to hunt Be-...Isabella. She'll be back soon. Don't worry, I wont touch you."

We both sat staring at the fire for a moment. I chanced a glimpse at his face and noticed that his eyes were still an impossible shade of black.

"Why didn't you go with her? You need to eat."

Edward sighed and looked up at me for a moment before lowering his head again. "I'll be fine Isabella, don't worry about me. Besides, I will not leave you alone out here, and Alice has already told me that you're not ready to hunt with us yet."

"I'm not going to hunt _ever", _I said icily, before I even really thought about it.

Edward's body jerked as he took another invisible hit, but he was silent.

**Edward Cullen -**

"I'm not going to hunt _ever"_

It was obvious that she hated what she was now, and I was not surprised. I think deep down I always knew that she would. Bella Swan was a kind-hearted, compassionate soul. Those kind of people aren't suited well to a damned existance.

So of course I said nothing to contradict her. What was there to say? Silently, I vowed to be her hunter, since I was nothing better than a savage _(a Killer.)_ anyway. Isabella Cullen would never have to hunt because nourishment would be provided for her. Her clean, innocent hands would never have to murder for sustanence. Not while mine were already coated in sin.

She was still watching me, although covertly so. I silently wished that Alice would return. It was quite obvious that Isabella prefered her company to mine, although it seemed what she would really prefer was no company at all. While we sat I refilled her pot of blood three more times. She was still very messy when she ate, but I could tell that she was now attempting to keep the blood off of her face. I thought absently about offering her advice on the matter, but decide against it when replaying her earlier scorn.

Needless to say, I was surprised when she spoke to me.

"You should eat. If you wont go hunting you can share my meal."

I must of heard her wrong because surely she could not care about my health, or _my needs _after what I have done. When I found the courage to glance up at her she was staring at me, obviously waiting for an answer.

"That is very very kind of you. But I can not possibly accept after - "

Like before, she cut me off by lunging at me, growling into my face.

"Would you _deny_ me this, Edward Cullen?"

With that I rose off of the ground and untied a small cup from my bag. On my way to fill it I reached out to Isabella and she handed me her now empty pot as well. I filled them both up and set hers on the ground in front of her, careful not to get too close.

I returned to my seat across from her and together we drank.


	3. Chapter 3 Notebooks

**Notebooks**

**Isabella Cullen -**

I'd been at the cabin for fifteen days now. Those days have been spent in the back bedroom, which I claimed as my own because it had the most windows, should I have to escape. Sometimes I wondered if my paranoia was normal, and whether it would subside as I matured. I'm afraid to ask.

I still hadn't hunted, for some reason I just wouldn't let myself give in to the instinct. Alice still asked me nearly every day but Edward hadn't mentioned it since I snapped at him in the woods. Every time Alice brought it up to me he growled low in this throat and his eyes burned into her, but she had become very adept at ignoring his moods.

Even though I refused to kill the animals myself, I craved their lifeblood like a drug. Only its sweet thickness could soothe the fire in my neck and chest, and although I was repulsed by myself, when fed I felt ecstasy that was fleetingly worth all of the guilt and isolation.

No matter how much I drank, there was always a need for more. Hotter, cleaner, _moving_ blood.

Edward brought me my poison in the same five gallon bucket that he used on that first night. Instead of the pot I used before, there was now a large copper cup that Edward washes after every meal. He comes and goes like clockwork, from midnight until three in the morning he was in the forest. He always brought home enough game to last the whole day. In the beginning, when I needed more sustenance, Alice would go out every afternoon as well, but now she only goes every few days or so when she needs to feed.

I noticed that his smell has become even more distinctive now that my senses have sharpened, he smells like the beach and warn leather and honeysuckle. I could hear and smell him coming back towards the cabin long before he appeared in the treeline at my window, and for the past few days I'd been trying to guess the species of animal that he brings back by the different musks and tones of their blood.

Every day, twice a day, Edward heated up and served my necessity. He spent all the rest of his time leaned up against the wall outside of my door. At first he stayed in the back bedroom with me, not saying anything at all, simply breathing into his hands and occasionally stealing glances at my face. I finally told him that I needed privacy, and he moved his vigil to the other side of the wall. I could still hear him there breathing nearly all of the time, I'm sure he could still hear me. Sometimes I was sure that the sound of him would drive me insane, so I scream at him and he would pace in another room for a while. Sometimes when he was hunting in the forest I thought that I'd die if I couldn't hear the steady cadence of his breathing, and I'd rock myself back and forth until he returned to his post. Alice walked in and out of the cabin several times during the day, but Edward never left me. Only to kill for me and prepare my food. It was a catalyst to my madness, but a comfort all the same.

For the first few days Alice spent a good deal of time in my room as well. She would try to provoke me into conversation, but most of the time I couldn't distinguish who or what she was talking about. Not that I would have cared. Those first few days were very, very dark. Since I wouldn't respond to her voice or her soft touches, Alice eventually left me alone, and now she only came back to check on me a few times a day. She would ask me to hunt and I would refuse her, and then she would have silent, one-sided conversations with Edward by the door.

* * *

On our first night in the cabin Edward busied himself with practicalities like emptying his duffel bag of supplies and making me comfortable. He worked at his task efficiently and methodically, only speaking to ask simple questions or to answer mine. As he reached the bottom of the large green sack he pulled out a small book. The cover was a deep blue leather, the pages were white - crisp and lined. Edward took the book and a box of ball point pins and laid them on the bed at my feet.

"Isabella, I brought this for you to help you remember. You should write down anything that you can remember from before the...", Edward hesitated but pushed onward, "before the change. Your memories should clarify as you re-live them, and hopefully some memories will trigger others."

Edward eyed me nervously then carefully sat on the very corner of my bed. He picked the journal back up, as I had made no move to reach for it. His long perfect fingers flipped to the middle of the journal. I noticed that the last half of the pages were covered in clear blue ink strokes.

"I wrote this for you, love, before your change. I wrote down all the things you told me about yourself, and everything that I personally remember about your friends and family. I know that it's not as complete as it would have been if you had wrote it yourself, but I hope it will give you a few good places to begin re-discovering yourself."

He sat the book back down on the bed and rose off the corner. I eyed the book for a moment but I still couldn't bring myself to pick it up. My memories of before were so blurry and distant that I worried I wouldn't be able to fill very many pages. I finally lifted the book and flipped to Edward's elegant script. I read the first line aloud slowly: "Isabella Marie Swan was at born at 6:17 am to proud parents Charlie and Renee Swan..." I placed the book back down at my feet and drug in a deep breath.

"I have another book as well, love." Edward reached into his back pocket and pulled out a smaller journal, black with a thick red band around the middle. This book's pages seemed warn, and the cover showed the small scratches of regular use.

"This is my journal Bel...Isabella. I started keeping it when I met you. Carlisle encouraged me to start it, he thought that it might help me organize my thoughts - maintain my control." He laughed shortly, apparently seeing the futility of the exercise. He seemed lost in his own thoughts for a moment and shook his head to gather himself. "I wrote the last entry a few days before all of this started, so its fairly up-to-date."

He was pacing the room as he spoke, but he raised his eyes to my face when he finished speaking. He clutched the book to his chest, I don't think he realized the action. He started to lay the journal down beside the one already at my feet, but then pulled the book back to his chest. He slowly walked to the bureau by the door and placed the book inside the top right drawer.

"I'm going to put this one here, Isabella. That way you don't have to look at it, or think about until you're ready. _If_ you want to." He added hastily.

I shrugged and picked up the deep blue book that contained the Legend of Bella Swan, and began reading ernestly.

**Edward Cullen -**

I walked into her room at precisely 3 am as always. The blood in the bucket I carried was still rather warm, but I knew that I would heat it up regardless, since it always cools just a bit on the run back to the cabin. I had a small propane grill in Isabella's bedroom set up for this purpose. Its proximity to her gave me a chance to spend a little more time in her presence. Since she warned me off for staring at her I only visited her while I prepared and served her meals.

My angel was sitting with her legs crossed in the center of the bed and she was writing furiously in the blue journal. She looked up to acknowledge my soft knock on the door but continued writing for another few minutes while I began to heat up her meal. She had written in her book almost every day since I gave it to her, and it seemed to give her peace. The scratching of her pen ceased after a while and I heard the soft rustle that told me she had laid her book to the side. I ladled some of the blood into her copper cup and walked over to set it on her nightstand, which was our ritual. She reached for the cup and took it out of my hand.

I stood quietly - awkwardly - as she drained her first serving. After I served her another portion, I turned off the stove and returned to my customary place by the door. My hands hung limp at my sides as I waited for her to finish. After she did, I would wash out her cup and place the bucket in the refrigerator. Then I'd change my position and sit by the wall outside. I went about my work methodically and tried not to disturb her.

"Say something", she demanded.

The sound of her voice startled me. My breath hitched and I hesitated for a moment, then I blurted out the only thing I could think of, "I'm very sorry, love".

"I know," she sighed.

The silence between us was thick and baited, and I struggled inwardly for something to say.

"Thank you for the book", Isabella said softly, looking down at the blue cover.

"Of course", I breathed quickly. "I hope it's helped you". She nodded so I continued, "If you have any questions for me, about your past or...well...what is happening now, you can ask me. I will always be honest with you, Isabella."

We sat in silence for another few minutes, and Isabella traced the patterns on the comforter with her finger. I was about to ask her if she'd like more to drink when she spoke.

"I've haven't started on the other book. Yet," She added on the end.

"I know." I whispered very softly, trying to mask my facial expression. I listened for the scrape of the bureau drawer specifically while I waited outside in the hall between my visits.

"Isabella ", I began, "I want you to know that I wrote that journal with the intention that no one would ever read it. I am going to let you read it now because you deserve to, of course. You deserve to know the entire story - the truth - of how we came together, whether it shames me or not."

I wanted to stop speaking because she was looking at me full in the face and it made me very nervous. I pressed forward.

"There are some things I chose to edit while you were human, love. At the beginning I was terrified of you and I tried very hard to hate you. Then I was afraid of revealing too much too quickly, because I was very selfish and I was nervous that you would run away from me. Once I decided that I was the very worst thing for you, I made even more mistakes trying to run from us."

I stopped again, willing my voice to be even and for my knees to stay locked into place. This was the first time that I had talked about our previous relationship, besides mentioning our engagement in the beginning and giving her the black journal. I continued on, even though my voice was still husky.

"I've made several bad decisions when it comes to you, Isabella. But I can tell you that almost all of them were made because of love, regardless of how catastrophic the results turned out to be."

She flinched at the last part of my statement, and I was instantly regretful for what I'd said, although I had no idea what particular part had upset her. I tried desperately to find the words to comfort her, to soothe away the line between her perfect brows.

She hesitated a few times before her voice finally sounded, "I don't think I'm ready to read that one yet." Her voice was husky like mine.

I did not trust myself to speak just yet so I nodded. The silence drew out around us.

"The blue book you made, it helped me very much." She sighed and her fingers continued to dance across the bedding.

"I remember a lot more now, of who I was before. I even remember a lot about you."

I glanced to her face quickly but she was still looking down at her hands. Her short, sparse sentences were driving me insane. She admitted to remembering me yet did not qualify what memories those were, whether they were good or bad. Heaven knows I had given her plenty of both since I had known her. Like countless other times, I wished fervently that I could see into her mind. Since I can not know what has come back to her, I had to ask.

"Did you remember yet how much I love you?"

A small smile _(a smile!!)_ flitted across her lips and her eyes met mine for a brief pause.

"It's very obvious even now, Edward. But yes, I remember you telling me that often, and I vaguely remember feeling the same way about you." Her voice hardened slightly as she added, "I'm just not sure how I feel about that now, or whether it changes anything."

My heart sank from the clouds, where it had vaulted to in the presense of her smile. I tried to keep my features calm but it was a very hard fight, one that I did not entirely accomplish.

_My love will not be enough. It does not matter. It can not change what I have done._

My heart was pummeled again and I held my head high and tasted my punishment. I could only expect as much.

_But she knows that I loved her, still do. And she remembers that at one time, she loved me._

With that thought, a small, lost piece of myself peaked out of the black hole in my chest, and he squinted into the light.

More than I could have hoped for. And for now - enough.

**Isabella Cullen -**

_"During the summer of her eighth year, Bella was entralled by the book 'Treasure Island', and the forests around her father's house became her very own Skull Island. Many battles were fought and many forts were built in the woods behind her bedroom. A few afternoons every week, Charlie would drive Bella onto the reservation where Billy would grill hotdogs. Bella and her childhood friend Jacob would always wander to the beach, imagining the ships that sailed on the other side of the horizon, discussing the perils that they must face on their journey. _

_One day at dusk Jacob mentioned a string of caves that were hidden along the rocks about a mile down from their usual haunt. Even though they were both in shorts and flip-flops, they set off in the name of Manifest Destiny. Soon after scrambling down a steep embankment at the mouth of the closest cave, Bella fell into a tidepool and cut her knee on the hard, briny creatures that lived there. The cut was deep and the bloodflow was heavy. Jacob, who was a rather frail boy during his childhood, was afraid to carry her up the embankment while she was injured, and she begged him not to leave her alone. Jacob tore off his shirt and wrapped it high around her thigh, then found a large piece of driftwood on the rocks outside the cave and sat at the opening, guarding Bella. Well after dark, Jacob finally spotted the beam of Charlie's flashlight, and together they lifted Bella out of the cave and drove her to the ER. It was her third, but not final, trip that summer."_

I sighed as I finished the passage, reveling in the images that the words had brought forth. I could still smell the earthy dampness of the cave air mixed with the rusty musk of my blood. I could see Jacob's back, dark against the moonlight streaming into the cave, outlining his slim shoulders and childlike face.

The memory didn't fade, but instead blossomed into my senses and then filed itself away. I still marveled at how _large _it felt inside of my brain now, how many rooms and compartments there were to work in.

Each piece of the cave-story sparked another memory from my past. Reading the blue journal sometimes felt like jerking open large filing cabinets in my head, fluttering through words and sights and sounds. I was constantly cross-checking information, always discovering new and exciting files in the process.

Imagining the crude forts built behind Charlie's house triggered a memory of a play date that I went on in Phoenix. The little girl _(Samantha, brown hair, freckled skin...)_ had a real treehouse in her yard, and I had been awed and envious.

The sizzle of the hot dogs on Billy's grill made me think of burning my cheek with a curling iron when I was fourteen. I had never wielded one again after that.

The salty smell of my blood made me remember countless injuries - scraped knees, cut fingers, wicked bike crashes.

_The ballet studio._

Not all memories were good, but all of them were damned sure important.

After every small passage I read, I would write down anything and everything that memory triggered. Sometimes it would be details about the moment Edward had summarized, but most of the time the musings that came to me were short and seemed unrelated. I wrote them down regardless. Maybe one day I would revise the notebook, try to arrange it into something like a chronological story. I had lots of time on my hands after all. What else was there for a bitter, immortal, non-hunting vampire to do?

I decided that after Edward fed me this afternoon, I was going to venture across the room to the bureau. I was going to at least hold the small leather book in my hands, and hopefully I would open it. I'd been avoiding it but I was almost done with my blue book and I was hungry for new sources of information. I knew that once I started it I would finish it, because from what I'd remembered so far about Edward and I, I was sure the saga would be quite a page-turner.

I expected my night to be long and very hard.

I heard the familiar sounds of Edward lifting himself up off the floor outside. He entered my room almost immediately with the cold bucket. He did not speak, and I noticed that his face seemed distracted today, instead of only forlorn and lost. He made my dinner in silence, quickly but still at a human pace. A few minutes passed and then he was walking towards me again, with my copper cup and his small tin mug in his hands.

Edward had been feeding with me for a few days now. In the beginning, I had to force him to serve himself at every meal, but now he did it willingly because he knows I'd insist. Even with the small amount he drank every day, his eyes were still a deep ocher black, a few small cupfuls a day simply was not enough. He never fed in the forest at night, he said he didn't want to prolong his time away from me. I knew that his constant thirst was really just another form of self-inflicted punishment. Sometimes I wondered if this year of devotion to me was also a form of penance. I remembered his first words to Isabella Cullens clearly, when he had apologized for loving me and vowed to protect me, to teach me. He had also said that he was going to leave me, in fact he'd also admitted to leaving me once before, when I was still human. When I thought of him leaving in a year's time, it made me angry, though I wasn't sure why. I hoped the black and red journal in the bureau could answer some of my questions.

I took the copper cup from Edward's hand and he repositioned himself on the floor by the door. He stared at his hands for a moment longer before looking up at my face.

"The family has left Forks, they will be here in the morning," he finally said softly. "Carlisle has asked me if you would like them to stay somewhere else for a while. Or we could also move on, we have a few other properties that are isolated enough for you."

I was quiet for a moment, as I entertained the idea of leaving here. It was true that I hated this stuffy, rustic cabin. It was nothing like the Cullen's home in Forks, which was light and airy and open. While rather spacious, the rooms in this place were wood paneled and dark, the decor was much older, less refined. However the thought of leaving here caused me a feeling of unease, leaving the comfort and isolation of my back bedroom would be very hard. I decided that I wanted to leave anyway.

"Where could we go?" I asked Edward quietly.

"Well we have several properties in Africa and Europe, some of them are very remote. What type of climate would you like?"

_Definitely not this, _I thought to myself. The earth outside of the cabin was covered in a thick frozen layer of snow. Even with the cover of the dense trees, the wind howled against the cabin almost constantly, making almost inperceptable whistling noises as it leaked through cracks in the crude walls. The daylight that spilled in through the many windows in my room was always muted and dull, it seemed as though time here was halted at dusk. Even though I couldn't be bothered by the cold temperature anymore, I still did not like the bitterness and harsh noises of winter.

"Somewhere warm", I answered. I thought for a few more moments and continued, "Somewhere hot and dry, where I can feel the sun on my face."

Edward surprised me by lifting one corner of his mouth slightly, it would have been a grin if it would have reached his eyes. He nodded his head and queried, "Would you enjoy an island?"

I smiled in response and his slight smirk transformed into a small chuckle.

"I have somewhere in mind that I think will please you. We'll begin the travel arrangements when my family arrives. Would you like them to join us on the island?" His last question was baited, as if the answer was very important to him.

Up until now I had not really concerned myself with the rest of the Cullens, I had been much too busy wallowing in grief and grasping at the shreds of my human life. I did have questions that I felt like I needed to ask them, each one was a source of knowledge about my former life. With their flawless vampire memories, they probably all remembered more about Bella Swan than I did.

When I looked at Edward he was staring at the small mug in his hands, still mostly full of blood. His shoulders were slouched and his eyes were rimmed with deep bruises, but he was still impossibly beautiful. His face seemed hollow, but his bones were still angular and his black eyes smoldered with emotion and absolute devotion. His features called to me, even though I was still too afraid to answer. My memories of Edward were filled with blind spots, and the mysteries of our past distracted me more everyday. I felt like the history of Edward and Bella was going to prove to be quite an important act in my short, tragic, but epic story. Now that I had been changed and much of my internal slate had been wiped clean, Edward was the only one who had a firsthand account of our history.

"I think for now I'd rather be alone." Edward made eye contact me for a moment as if to protest, so I clarified. "I want to spend more time with just you before I deal with the rest of all this."

He still looked confused but finally he nodded. He seemed to notice his rapidly cooling dinner and drank it quickly. I followed his lead.

He refilled my cup a few more times and then methodically washed the dishes. He bid me goodnight, and as always his last words to me were said in the doorway, as he departed to his post in the hallway. This afternoon, they did not hold quite as much sadness as the times before.

"I love you, Isabella Cullen."

**Edward Cullen - **

After I left her bedroom I took the empty bucket to the front door, leaving it just outside. When I dragged myself away to hunt tonight I would wash it in the stream five miles north, as had become my custom. With my manual labor done for the next few hours, I took my customary place outside of Isabella's door and began my next ritualistic punishment. The waiting. The remembering. The wondering.

I could hear her shallow breathing on the other side of the thin wooden wall, my acute senses informed me that she was sitting on the bed, right where I left her. She was not writing, there was no hint of the hushed rustling of her pen. I wondered for the fifty-third time that day what she was thinking of while she sat cross-legged on her down comforter, running her hands across the heavy material.

The only sound that gave me an insight into her beautiful yet mystifying mind had been extinguished. In the beginning, the constant thrum of her heartbeat had been my greatest torture yet most splendid pleasure. It had told me her secrets even when her words were guarded, even when she tried to hide her embarassment or anger, or most exquisite of all, her need for me. But now that sound was gone, I had listened myself as her delicate, hummingbird heart beat itself dead in her chest.

My need in that moment for the sound of her heartbeat was exponiental, unexplainable.

Alice took this inoportune moment to bound back into the cabin, slamming the front door behind her with obvious exhuberance. As she appeared before me in the hall, I growled at her in irritation for interupting my grief. She was looking directly at my face while gesturing wildly with her eyebrows, so I knew that she is yelling at me in her mind. It had become my habit to tune her out, because I did not care to share in her excitement or her usual pity for me. The attempts to block her unrelenting barage of thoughts finally failed.

_....am SOO excited that Jasper will be here in a few hours! I hope he remembers to bring that extra bag of swimsuits in the closet! I couldn't see them coming for sure until today, so I assume you've discussed their arrival with Bella? I can see the two of you at the island by the way, and I think that it will do you both a world of goo - "_

Her thoughts abruptly stopped as my head jerked towards Isabella's room. I heard her stepping to the ground by the bed, and I listened in absolute silence to the soft whisper of her socked feet gliding across the hardwood floor. Most of my kind do not make enough noise to be noticed dismounting from the bed, but of course Isabella was not an ordinary vampire. Our agility and stealth come with practice and regular use of our inhuman speed and strength. As Isabella had not practiced and was still mostly unaware of her true capabilities, she was still human and rather clumsy in most of her movements. She had shown no interest in learning anything different, so I had not attempted to teach her.

At first I thought that her footsteps would bring her to the door, where she would inform Alice and I that she had decided not to accompany me to Isle Esme.

Instead, her padded footsteps ventured to the other side of the bed, and stopped in front of the bureau.

My breath stopped in my throat.

My brain registered the raspy scratch of the opening drawer.

My arms went numb.

She bounced back to the safety and comfort of her bed. The sheets rustled as she settled herself, and then she was still as stone once more.

I finally looked back at Alice and she was smiling smugly at me. I couldn't help but half-smile in return.

_Isle Esme will help to heal you both, Edward, if you'll allow it. _

My small smile turned grim quickly and I snorted in response.

_But you have to let some of this pain go, you have punished yourself enough. Whether she is open about it or not, Edward, she is watching you, she is learning from you. And so far you haven't tried to teach her anything at all, except how to remember and grieve for what she's lost. We can't change what's happened to her, this is her fate now. And this is your fate too. But it doesn't have to be an eternity of repitance, Edward. It doesn't have to be one, long punishment._

"It's what I deserve," I spat. "I caused all of this, because I am a monster and I couldn't control myself, even when it meant her life. I made her a monster Alice, and I did it in the most repulsive and...and...._degrading_ way there is."

I put my head in my heads and grabbed fistfuls of my hair. My mind catalogued the slight swish of a page turning, and another part of my brain wondered what sordid detail of my disaster Isabella was reading now.

I raised my eyes back to Alice's face, and in her mind I saw my reflection, colored with her own pity and annoyance. My face was a chalk white, my eyes were black and dead. My cheeks were hollow and my skin was pulled tight against the bones of my jaw. I looked malnourished, unstable, _terrifying_.

"I deserve this punishment. All of this punishment."

_She thinks that she is your punishment._

And with that Alice flitted back down the hall, barely giving me time to identify the frustration etched into her elvish features. I heard the front door slam hard enough to slide a sheet of snow off the roof of the cabin. I watched her exit and listened to her departing thoughts with wide eyes, my jaw agape.

_If she thinks that it pains you to be with her, how can she move past this? How much longer can she love you when you hate what you are? What_ she _is?_

* * *

I sat in the hall as darkness cloaked around me and the symphony of night started in the forest. The shadows around me lenghtened and took me in, and I dreaded the passage of time which forced me closer to leaving her. In a few minutes I would grudgingly return to the trees, to collect Isabella's meals. Alice still hdn't returned to the cabin and while I was slightly worried about her whereabouts, mostly I was annoyed. I had never left Isabella alone in the cabin before, Alice knew to be present during my designated hours of absense. I internally debated the quandry of which was worse - Isabella being hungry and I not having the means to satiate her, or leaving her alone in this house unprotected. I mentally berated Alice for her discourtious behavior, and decided to give her another half hour before I left to search for rabbits within shouting distance of the cabin.

Leaving my post tonight would be even harder than usual, knowing that Isabella could continue reading at any moment. She had been reading for almost all of the afternoon and into the night, but in the past hour she had not turned the page so I assumed that she was taking a break. My mind reeled with the possibilities of what could have caused her need for pause.

Bella Swan would have started reading on the very first page. She would have dog-eared certain pages that she planned to return to later, and she would have probably fallen asleep with the journal in her hands, pressing its warn cover into the inviting swell of her breast.

I had no idea how Isabella Cullen had begun. Her preferences were still mostly foreign to me.

I decided that I could not wait on Alice any longer, that Isabella may begin to experience the early stages of withdrawl if I kept her waiting much longer. I could not fathom letting Isabella's macintosh eyes fade any darker than a brilliant, ruby red. I placed my hands on my knees and began to push myself off of the ground, calculating how many rabbits I would have to kill if I could convince Isabella that I did not require any food tonight.

My shoulders tensed suddenly, and I froze in place as I once again heard the soft thud of Bella's feet hitting the ground by her bed.

_She's probably returning the journal. She's had enough betrayel for one afternoon._

But her footsteps cautiously approached the door, and me, and I felt hope and grief and absolute panic course through me.

The doorknob turned and there was Isabella, standing framed in the light of her doorway. Her hair was wild and tangled, and there was a trace of blood on her porcalien chin, but her beauty was obvious and staggering. Her electric gaze held me in place and I stared at her in utter fasination.

"I want to go hunt", she said, her voice reminding me of church bells and falling leaves.

I nodded slowly, still in shock, and slid my body up the wall until I was standing beside her.

She moved purposely down the hall and I watched her slim body glide toward the front door. She had been wearing the same off-white long-johns for several days, and they hung loosely from her bony frame. Alice most definitely did not - would not - purchase them, she must have found them in one of the drawers in her room.

Of course she did not bother with a jacket or cap, but simply opened the large, heavy door and stepped out into the frigid night. The wind blew in and pushed into my face, jolting me out of my shock. She gazed back at me through the still open door and beckoned me with one hand.

Of course I followed.


	4. Chapter 4 The Hunt

**The Hunt**

**Isabella Cullen -**

_--- Newton touched her today in gym class. After Biology I had been watching her in his mind (he is always aware of her) and I had been enjoying the sight of her throwing the basketball feet short of the rim. After a futile yet very endearing attempt at a block, she tripped over her own feet in the middle of the court. I watched the perverted bastard place his hands on her. She may have fallen if he had not reached out for her, and that would have killed me too, but seeing his arms around her waist almost made me lose control. I jumped up out of my seat in the Spanish room and if it weren't for Jasper's presence, I would have probably been in the gym in less than two seconds and would have had Newton's head removed from his body in less than five. Jasper's calming waves were just barely enough. Charlie is off work today so I wont see her until tonight. I don't think I can last that long without her. Especially not after Netwon touched her today, and all I can think of ripping off his dirty, loathsome arms. He will never touch her again, because I will personally make him understand that she is mine. I need to find Carlisle._

_--- Tonight she whispered my name again. I almost screamed out in ecstasy. She was sleeping very soundly, like she always does when she sleeps curled into my chest, and then suddenly she pressed her exquisite behind into me and moaned 'Edward' in the most innocent yet erotic way. Thank God she was unconscious, or she may have felt my arousal against the curve of her back. I had to leave directly after that, I could feel the venom pooling in my mouth and I knew I had to escape before she became any more vocal in her dream. I know that I'm putting her life in danger by staying with her at all, every night it seems that I reach my breaking point and barely avoid falling off the edge. She is always too perfect, too fragile. Invaluable. She is too much for me. I am not enough for her._

My dead heart was heavy as I looked up from the creased pages. I had decided against starting my journey at the beginning of the journal for now, not because I wasn't curious, but because from what I'd gathered, Edward's initial opinions of me were less than adoring. I didn't think I could handle hatred and hostility on my first delve into Edward's notebook. So I started about halfway in, where I hoped that I would find some happiness and comfort.

What I really hoped to find tonight was not Edward's reasons for what he did, but my own. In my relatively short time as a monster, I have gained valuable insight into why Edward hurt me. I knew that I would not have hesitated in ripping apart those policeman on my first day. Of course Edward has had almost a century to build his self-control, but the bloodlust that I felt when I smelled those men...well, I don't think I'll ever tame this new, dominant part of me.

What I couldn't understand was why this type of existance would have ever held any value for me. Why had I let Edward into my life in the first place, why did I trust him that night to be alone with me when I probably knew that my pulse was calling to him like a fervent lover? Had Bella wanted to be bitten? Had she weighed the costs? _Could she have understood the costs?_

I had listened to Alice leave the cabin earlier, soon after I had fetched the journal from the bureau. Edward had hissed something about punishment to her, about how deserving he was. After his whispered rant, I had heard her slam the door of the cabin, and a few seconds later Edward had sighed deeply and then leaned his head back against the wall.

Had Edward ever wanted this life for me? Was he remorseful because of changing me, or because of the _way_ that I was changed? He obviously regretted his actions, was it because he had created another burden on himself, another reason for repentance?

I flipped through the pages of the book absently, taking in the sublte eloquence of Edward's script. There were no dates or times associated with the entries to the journal, the entire book seemed to be made of small, blocked passages written in red ink. To the human eye the writing would appear uniform and almost eerie in its beauty and consistency. But with my sensitive eyes I could see the subtle differences between the entries. Some were written with short, impatient strokes while others were riddled with tiny splotches of ink, evidence that his pen had stayed poised while he had debated his next words.

One particular passage caught my eye and I stopped browsing to return to it. The red ink swirled down the lines of the paper with fluidity and emotion, this entry was larger and seemed more exhuberant than the rest.

_--- She accepted Mother's ring today. She only wore it for a moment, and only for me, but I know that in due time it will become a permanent adornment, like her charm bracelet. Tears spilled down her cheeks when she stared at it on her hand, and I could swear that my heart started beating, even if only briefly. I think that Mother would have been very proud of me in that moment, Father too. Of course to get her to agree I had to promise things that I swore I'd never do. She wants me to change her. Her faith in me is staggering. I'm not sure when it will happen yet, I have a lot of planning and research to do before I can even consider it. I've also promised to try to make love to her, after the wedding of course. I was very adament that she understood the 'try' part, I'm hoping that will allow me a little leniency when the time comes. I am horrified that I won't be able to do it, at least not without hurting her. But God I want it, it is selfish but I want it and crave it more now than anything, more than I thought possible. I am still very uncertain as to whether I can perform either of her requests without killing her, but I know now that I have to try, because she wants these things of me more than anything. I need to make these gifts as safe as possible for her, although I'm not sure how to even start. I wish there was something that I could do to help with the burning, though I guess it's doubtful, the hellacious pain is part of the pact with the devil, I suppose. I can not bear to think of her in agony, but even more than that - I can not refuse her. I get sick with panic when I think of biting her, of taking _her life_. The worst part is that despite how I know the change will be for her, even under the best of circumstances, is how much I do want her to be like me. I am selfish and I need her. I need to hold her without restraint and make love to her like she deserves, without hesitation or fear. One lifetime will not be enough, for either of us. I am still unbelieving that she would give me her hand, much less her very soul. She is willing to trade her humanity to stay with me, exist with me. She wants me to teach her, she trusts me to care for her. I am utterly unworthy of her deep, unrelenting love._

My hand trembled as I lifted it to my mouth, a human habit that had somehow stayed with me. The journal fell open in my lap but I left it there, forgotten. My mind was spinning with new memories of Edward, his devotion to me, my illogical draw to him. I nearly choked on the intensity of the feelings that rushed through me as a hundred new images of his glorious face filed themselves away. An overwhelming heat blossomed in my stomach as I remembered the gentleness and need in his granite kiss.

_I wanted this because I wanted him. He was the reason. I wanted this because I needed him that badly._

I already knew that Edward's attack had been an accident, but what I hadn't realized before was that this was only a mistake of time, not intent. Bella Swan had wanted to give up her old life for this new, confusing path. She wanted to live forever, she wanted to get married at eighteen and she had asked Edward to pierce her human flesh with his unyielding teeth. She had wanted to be fast and strong, immortal.

She had wanted to hunt.

_I want to hunt._

I sat on the bed for a few moments longer, feeling a ticklish sensation on my spine, noting the burning throb of my throat. Some small cog turned within me and I was finally ready.

I walked quickly to the bedroom door and threw it open. Edward was halfway risen from his customary place by the door, and he was staring at me as if I might run or lunge for this throat. His eyes were wary, but in their coal-black depths I detected a hesitant hope.

"I want to hunt" I stated simply, and his jaw went slack.

Without giving him a chance to recover, I sauntered with bravado to the front door, and I stepped barefoot into the deep snow. I turned back to face him, curling my finger at him in a strange fashion that was absurdly familiar to me. The black woods called to me and I moved towards them slowly. A few seconds later I heard him follow.

**Edward Cullen -**

We were standing side by side among the endless trees. White snow blanketed everything around us, it encased the earth like a thick shell and muted the smells below it. We were miles from the cabin now and the space around us was quiet and still.

"Take a deep breath, Isabella, and tell me what you know."

Isabella pulled in a long draw of air through her nose, and it escaped her mouth in a subtle wind. I caught the scent of her breath and even in such a small amount it made me dizzy.

"I smell the river, to our right. I think there are fish further downstream. I can smell something pretty nice in the trees, squirrels I guess, they seem like they're moving fast. I think I can smell elk far to the east."

I did not hide my surprise at her conclusions, my eyebrows were raised as I gazed at her face. Of course I had known that her sense of smell would be just as well-developed as mine, but I was taken aback by her ability to identify the scents.

"Let's go east and pursue the elk, since they are the largest." I took off at a quick gait through the trees, and Isabella matched my steps almost effortlessly, although her progress was much louder than mine. After a few more minutes I slowed down to a human pace, so that Isabella's footsteps would not scatter the herd.

We circled to the left of the throbbing pulse eminating from the small group of animals, they were drinking from a small spring that bubbled up from beneath the snow. I stared at Bella's face and tried to instruct her to be silent with my eyes, then I dropped into my hunting stance. Isabella followed my lead and crouched down, resting her weight on her hands and the balls of her feet.

The wind changed, and Isabella's entire frame stiffened. As the breeze glided across my face, I was horrorstruck at the familiar, maddening smell that laced the cold air.

_Human._

Isabella was gone, running in her primal crouch across the clearing and into the trees on the far side of the spring. The forgotten herd scattered in all directions.

I raced after her, but her newborn speed kept her a few dozen feet in front of me, no matter how hard I pushed. The human scent was close now, they seemed to be sitting a few feet off of the forest floor. A second before she collided with him, my eyes discerned a small male wearing a camoflauge suit, sitting in a tree-stand. His face looked sleepy, slightly frightened yet mostly confused, and I realized that he had been asleep at his post until Isabella's rush, his deep thoughtless sleep had not alerted my senses.

I curse our luck. My ineptitude.

In the half-second before I reached her, Isabella pinned the boy against the tree, roughly smashing his head into the splintering bark. His eyes bulged open wide, terror and incomprehension enveloped his features as blood began pouring from his ear. The impact stunned him, he didn't even attempt to fight her off, he only rolled his unfocused eyes across the scene before him and limply clutched at her back with his hands. Isabella's teeth broke into the skin of his neck effortlessly, and his lifeblood spilled out around her lips as she began to suck at the opening. Consciousness slipped from the boy's still wide eyes and his body relaxed in her grip. When I finally reached her I placed both of my hands on her upper arms and pulled her back into my chest, off of the now mangled corpse.

Before we hit the ground she was turning on me, pounding her fists into me, scratching at me like a wounded cat. My shirt opened in strips and I tried to capture her flailing wrists. Instead, she grabbed onto one of my hands and squeezed violently, crushing all of my fingers and causing me to yelp out in pain. She bit me on the shoulder and pushed me back into the snow. When I lifted my head she was gone, and I raised up enough to notice that she had dragged the human out of the tree-stand and to the ground a few feet away from me. Back on her kill, she sucked the last bit of warmth from his body while her shoulders shook. I debated trying to restrain her, but I was afraid that if we struggled again she may hurt herself. So instead I watched her finish her feast, and berated myself.

_How could you let her hunt without checking for humans first? This may be Alaska, but you know well that there are human hunters present here this time of year. This stupid mistake will cost her weeks, maybe months or years, of progress. Bella would have never forgiven herself, I doubt Isabella can either._

Alice was close, and I could tell from her thoughts that she had just witnessed Isabella's first kill. She tried to tell me that she didn't see anything until it was too late to stop it, that Isabella's decision to hunt him had been near instantaneous.

Further away, still miles off, I heard the droning buzz of the prop plane which approached, carrying my family.

**Isabella Cullen - **

_Exquisite._

_Orgasmic._

_Satisfying._

_Sweet._

My honey was getting colder by the second, I pulled through my mouth with all my strength, I sucked the last mind-shattering drops of it from the animal at my feet.

_Refreshing._

_Addicting._

_Gone._

I screamed at the sudden loss I felt. Only when drinking had I felt satisfied, the sting in my neck had already returned, and I ached for more.

_More game._

I pushed the lifeless form away from me in disgust, sweeping my eyes across the snow around me for any substantial pools of blood. Suddenly I focused on the boots on his feet.

_His feet._

And my eyes followed the seam of his coveralls up to his collar, I noticed the navy blue toboggin pulled over the short sandy hair. I saw his face.

His mutilated, unrecognizable face. With my cursed gift of perfect sight I saw the indentation in his crown, the perfect mold of my fingers crushed into his cheek. His neck was tore open, and his clothes were covered with splinters of wood and the brown stains of his blood.

Before his hunting trip today, this unknown male had been pretty, and may have even been handsome with time, as his features had hardened. The faint beginnings of a blond mustache had been forming on his lip - he may have been fourteen.

I staggered a few feet from the wreckage that remained of my prey and retched up his blood all over the snow. Wave after wave of disgust washed over me and my body was heaving, shaking. I felt a pressure on my shoulder and I jumped away instinctively.

Edward was poised a few feet from me, his hand outreached in a jesture of surrender. His shirt was tattered and there was blood smeared across his bare chest, crimson handprints on his arms. I cringed when I noticed his hand, it was mangled and broken, much like the body of the teen that met his end with terror but no real comprehension. Although his cuts were healing before my very eyes, I could still see the distinctive arcs of a bitemark on his left shoulder. I had attacked Edward, and I didn't even remember it.

I tried to think back into the red of the bloodlust, but my attention had been so focused on my goal that my mind had little time to catalouge anything else. I vaguely recalled the few seconds that my feast had been interrupted by some type of threat, but I had never truly turned my mind away from the waning river before me.

Edward's eyes clearly displayed his pain, he held his mangled hand slightly away from his body while he reached out for me with the other.

When Edward spoke his voice was small and defeated, and I was absolutely staggered when my brain finally comprehended his words. "Oh my love, I'm so very sorry."

"_Sorry?_" I hissed incrediously. My self-hatred hit a cresendo and I started to screech, "Edward I _killed_ that boy! I...I...I _ate_ him!" I bent over at the waist again as a new wave of nausea hit me.

"Isabella, no newborn could have withstood the temptation of encountering a human while they were hunting. I should have done a more extensive sweep of the area, I should have known that he was out here." Edward paused for a moment, and his voice broke as he stated again, "I'm so sorry"

I still couldn't believe the words that he was saying, that he thought my loss of control was acceptable. Part of me wanted to give in and share the blame with him for this tragedy, in an effort to lessen my own grief. Another part of me just wanted to collapse on the ground by this pretty blonde boy, pull out his wallet so that I could find his address and return what's left of him to his mother. This thought led me to cry out again, finally realizing the finality and consequences of my failure. His mother could never even know the truth.

I looked at Edward with resignation and hopelessness.

"What do we do?"

And so I sat and watched as Edward pulled a large spruce tree out of the ground with his good hand, and set it on its side on the hill below us, pushing down the other foliage with its girth and leaving a gaping hope in the canopy above us. He jumped into the hole that had had held the roots seconds before and began to dig with his hands. It didn't take him long to reach the rockbed, but he continued pulling out handfuls of earth, making sure that my man-boy's grave was safe and deep and cool. I cringed as his mangled fingers tried to grip at the stones and roots, but his face hid his pain well, his only tell was the near-quaking pressure in his jaw. Edward climbed up out of the hole, and he cleaned up my mess, gathering all of the pieces that he could find and lowering them gently into their makeshift plot. Of course I didn't argue when he silently removed a blue velcro wallet from the back pocket of the boy's suit. He covered the body with earth at a human pace, and after several dozen handfuls of dirt, he picked the spruce tree back up and set its roots back down into the earth. His work was efficient and methodical as always, but it was also respectful - pensive. His acts seemed practiced, and with a jolt I realized that this was probably not the first time that Edward has placed someone in their grave.

_Oh how little Bella Swan had known of the world of the Cullen's._

Once the tree was stable, Edward used his belt to fashion a crude cross from two nearby tree branches. He climbed the newly-planted spruce tree swiftly, and it reminded me of all the times that he had done that same thing with Bella perched on his back. Near the top, Edward looped his belt around the mast that was the core of the tree. The cross was barely visable to my eyes, but it was the only marker that we could afford to leave for the sandy-haired hunter boy.

With his task completed, Edward looked at me hesitantly to gauge what his next move should be. I was standing a few feet from the grave, still trying to understand this impossible situation that I found myself in.

On the air I caught a faint, familiar smell. The scent blossomed into a tapestry of new aromas, moving towards our position. My ears picked up distant voices, still too muffled to understand, but distinct enough to recognize.

The family had arrived.

I looked back at Edward and the dilemma was clear in his features, he wasn't sure whether to stop them from approaching. I knew immediately that I could not face them. Not when my clothes were still saturated in my man-boy's blood.

I ran away from Edward, from my family, and headed deeper into the cursed woods.

**Edward Cullen -**

At first I chased her, but after a few miles it was clear that she wasn't running very fast, she wasn't trying to escape me. So I backed off further, deciding to let her be alone in the isolation of the trees, waiting for her on the inside rim of our scent range. It was probably better that she ran anyway, the boy's family would undoubtably become worried soon. I heard no human thoughts in the forest, so they had not arrived yet, but it was only a matter of time. It will be much better if Isabella was not around for the onslaught of people who would swarm the forest as the sun rose.

Alice had intercepted the family, their thoughts were the only ones that I could hear in the heart of the forest. They were sorry for Isabella, but not very surprised. All newborns are prone to indulgence, violence. It is part of what we are.

Since Isabella's scent was trailing to the north, I began my travel west, in the oppisite direction of the spruce tree. I skirted back to the north once I knew that I was well past her location, making sure to give her plenty of room. If she bolted now it could be very dangerous, for her as well as any other humans in the forest. The boy could not have been alone.

My family was waiting for me in a clearing about five hundred feet from Isabella's location, I could see through their eyes that they were shocked by my haggard and bloody appearance, even though Alice had warned them. I cringed at the thought of what their minds would say about Isabella's absolutely wild state.

Suddenly a wave of pleasure and calm moved through my body, my knees went weak and fluid with the utter relief my strained body felt at the sensation. I sank onto a fallen tree.

Jasper was looking at me with concentration, and he said, "We've missed you very much Edward, we are all very glad to see you. Everything is going to be fine, brother."

I felt a sharp pang of anger that Jasper was interferring with my punishment, but my scolding had little effect, because I was at the mercy of this feeling of release, of peace.

Emmett, who until now had been standing behind the seated Rosalie, stepped away from the family and towards the freesia-strawberry smell of Isabella. "I'm going to go say hello to Bella", he said simply.

My body tensed to stop him, but Jasper's fists clenched as he forced my testorone levels down, relaxing my shoulders. My mind rationalizied that Emmett may be able to soothe Isabella in some way that I could not, that maybe his blunt optimism was exactly what she needed. So I surrendered to Jasper's therapy and listened to Emmett crash through the trees, alerting Isabella to his approach in his own way. My lungs pulled in the forest air in long, heavy breaths, taking comfort in the floral scent wafting towards me on the breeze.

My seratonin levels shot upward and my head lowled back as my eyes closed. My mind reverted into itself, and I relished in memories of my human Bella, so warm and trusting and innocent. I felt Carlisle setting my mangled fingers, but I drifted further away, towards an unconscious state that may even have passed for sleep.

Jasper's brow was furrowed as he worked, trying to put my insides back together.


	5. Chapter 5 Nathan

**Nathan**

**Isabella Cullen - **

I sat perched on a tree branch about thirty feet from the forest floor, my mind was racing and my hands seemed twitchy, I shredded the frozen bark with my fingernails. My chest was still, I had stopped breathing as soon as my eyes had traveled up the hunter boy's coveralls and I had yet to start again. I squeezed my eyes shut against the throbbing pain behind my eyes - the constant scorch of my throat. Only my inhuman sense of hearing kept me cognizant of the outside world, I unconsciously scanned the area around me for sounds that didn't belong in the melody of the winter trees.

When I heard his approach I gritted my teeth together, furious at him for coming for me, for forcing me to interact with him. His movements were so unlike Edward's, the crashes and shudders that reverberated through the forest gave away his massive size and when I cracked open my blood-soaked eyes I saw trees shaking in the distance, marking his progress towards me.

I thought for a moment about running again, as I had done from Edward. Emmett would probably give chase, actually try to catch me, and the thought of another physical scuffle brought back the horrible nausea. My mind still circled around the vision of Edward's crippled fingers, of the deep ridges that my hands had left on the blond boy's cheek.

So instead I continued to crouch and waited, remorse and hatred bitter on my tongue.

He must have noted that I was not seated on the forest floor, because a few feet before he would have entered my line of sight, he jumped lithely into the branches of a pine tree. I watched as the entire trunk shook under his weight, and the canopy erupted with sounds of cracking limbs as the pine tree swayed into its neighbors under his weight. In a few seconds I could finally see him, swinging through the dead branches with power and grace. He finally settled a few yards from me and his golden eyes regarded me with excitement and maddening good humor.

"Hey Bella, what's shaking?" His voice sounded as if we had just bumped into each other at the corner grocery, not thirty feet in the air, in the muted haze of the winter forest.

I couldn't help but scoff at his greeting, but there was no warmth or humor in my laugh. I looked down at the ground and wondered how long he would try to talk to me.

"So Alice told us about what happened this morning, that really blows." Emmett's continued his charade as if I hadn't just laughed at his attempt. His countenance still belied our position, his remark seemed like it related to the score of a soccer game, not the massacre that had occurred at my hands.

Acid laced my words as I finally spoke, even to my own ears my voice sounded hollow and bitter.

"_Blows_ is a pretty nice way to put it, wouldn't you say? I tore out a boy's throat this morning, and I sucked him dry. I attacked Edward, and for the life of me I don't even remember doing it. Did you see him? Did you see his hand, what...what I did to his hand?"

My short speech stunned Emmett slightly, his eyebrows were raised when I finished. However, his falter was short and he once again turned his massive features up into a patient smile.

"Edward's OK, Bella, he's with the family now. His hand will be fine, I've done worse to him myself. One time - I was only a few years old myself - I managed to get my arms locked around his middle and I - "

"Just stop it." I spat at him, and he complied. "Quit trying to distract me, do you think I can just let this go? Do you actually think that things will ever be the same again? Do you think its appropriate for me to _make jokes _after what I've just done?"

My breath hitched in my throat and I sputtered out my next words. "I wasn't me out there, I was a monster. A total beast. I couldn't stop and I didn't want to stop, and I didn't care about anything else but my own damn _thirst_. I'm a killer now, Emmett."

My words had surprised even me as they poured out, and when I finished my breath still raced and my body was shaking with panic and regret. Snow fell around me and sat unmelting in my matted hair as my vibrations scattered flakes from the limbs above me.

Emmett was kind enough to give me a few moments to gather myself.

"I know more than you think I do, Bella. I mean, I understand more. With the exception of Carlisle, no one's hands are clean around here. We were all newborns Bella, we all remember the pain - how overwhelmed and bat-shit crazy you feel all the time."

The corners of my mouth twitched at his metaphor. So very different from my Edward.

_(My Edward?)_

"I'd like to tell you a story Bella, but you have to sit here and listen to the whole thing, can you do that for me? Can you concentrate on just me for a while?" His voice was patient, like he was encouraging a small child to go to sleep.

The acid was still in my speech, but my hatred and rage were fading, being replaced by an all-consuming grief.

"My name is Isabella Cullen now, Bella has died."

Now it was Emmett's turn to scoff. "Whatever, _Isa_Bella", he sneered sarcastically. He grew quiet for a minute or so after that, and I watched his body language change before my eyes, his shoulders hunched somewhat and he plucked a pine cone from his perch and played with it absently - gently - in his pawlike hands. He began his story with a resigned sigh, his eyes downcast.

"Of all of Carlisle's creations, I probably had the hardest time adjusting. It was a sheer miracle that I had Rosalie, and that she loved me like she did, because during those first few months I was an absolute fucking menace. I lost my temper all the time, I would attack Edward and Carlisle, even Rosie a few times, and I tried to escape and find my human home almost every night. I think part of me knew that I would kill them if I actually made it back, but I just needed to see them so damn bad."

The pinecone slipped from his grasp and we both watched it fall to the forest floor, heard it's nearly silent landing in the dead leaves.

"So one day, I'm walking back towards the house, because I'd smashed a bunch of shit and ran off after Rosie tried to make me drink sheep's blood again. I'm crossing the stream, and there's these two little kids, playing on the bank. The little girl was so tiny, the older one couldn't have been over ten, and when he heard me coming he stood up in front of his sister like we was going to protect her. But of course he couldn't, he never stood a chance, and I never stood a chance of stopping myself."

Emmett's voice stalled and I looked up at his face, which was still pointed toward the earth. His whole frame hung as if something was anchored across his back. In a way, I guess something was. He sighed and began again.

"Rosie, wasn't far off, even though she didn't actually create me she's always felt responsible for me. I heard her coming through the trees but instead of backing off the kids, I pushed them into a pile and turned to fight her. And we fought...boy, did we fight." A slight, humorless chuckle racked his massive frame.

"She tried her damndest to save those kids. She fought me tooth and nail, even though I was way stronger and faster, twice her size for God's sake. Eventually she did break my hip badly enough to slow me down, but it was too late for her to do any saving. Instead she got to do the killing. Turns out I had bitten them both by the time she had gotten to us, my predatorial instinct had been strong enough to stun them, but I hadn't had time to finish them off. So Rose had to do it."

The awful horror of his story pressed on me. I was utterly motionless, lost in the images Emmett had painted for me, so very similar to my own new world.

"It was messy - we had to move after that. We'd only been in the area for three days when it all went down, it was my first test at being in a populated area. Needless to say, I failed." His mirthless laugh rang hollow through the air around us once more.

"I don't know how Rosie forgave me, but she did - they all did. She even carried me back to the house after she cleaned up, helped Edward and Esme hold me down while Carlisle re-set my hip. And I was horrified with myself, it was probably one of the only times I thought about ending it. Naturally, I lost it for awhile, but they all helped bring me through it, helped me move past it."

His story seemed so clear to me, my vast and spacious mind swirled with questions, memories, fears. I forced myself to focus on one thought and asked shyly, "How do you live with yourself, after that? How can you ever move on?"

This time his smile almost reached his buttery eyes, and his head lifted slightly to regard me fully.

"You don't live for yourself, Bella, you do it for someone else. Rose sacrificed almost everything for me, she gave me this existence when my only other option was death. And even though it definitely has its draw backs, it's not that bad of a hand. I've made mistakes Bella, no doubt about it, but she loves me, and she always forgives me. And she _needs_ me, Bella, just like I've always needed her. We were made for each other, simple as that. And all of those good times with her are worth whatever price I have to pay for them. I live because she lives."

My mouth gaped open at his eloquent speech, surprised at the maturity and reverence in his words. Emmett was much wiser than his wardrobe and dictation implied. His last words held me captive, and I stared absently across the tangle of trees as my mind processed his story, its relevance.

_Edward is my Rosalie, my Reason. He needs me._

As if reading my mind, Emmett's voice needled at me again.

"Edward was always afraid of this, you know. We all told him he was crazy, but he swore that after you were changed, you'd hate him for what he did to you. He said that there was no way you could really be ready." He chucked gruffly. "He said that if you really understood, then you'd run screaming for the hills."

Emmett's breath hitched before his next words, and his sudden hesitation intrigued me. His voice was quieter than I'd ever heard it before.

"The way it happened, well...that was everyone's worst fear I guess. You have so much power over him Bella, and he's been restraining himself for so long that he just finally broke. I don't know what happened that night to cause it, he wont tell any of us and Alice said she owes it to him not to tell either. But I'm sure that it was more than I could have fought."

I was thankful in that moment for my bloodless cheeks, that couldn't turn to a brilliant red when my emotions stirred. Humiliation flooded my being, as for the first time, I remembered the actions that had caused Edward's loss of control.

A nearly silent rustling sounded in the bushes below us, and both of our heads snapped into the wind, trying to catch the approaching's scent on the breeze. Our bodies relaxed as Emmett surmised, "Edward's coming."

Yes, the stealthy approach sounded very familiar, and his scent was indeed closer than it had been. Of course I knew that he was close by when I chose this tree, but he seemed content to keep his distance so I allowed him the scant contact. Emmett's subdued voice brought me back to our lop-sided conversation.

"I'm not sure if he'll ever move on from this. He's always been harder on himself than the rest of us, he just can't let go of all those ridiculous, stuffy rules he grew up with. If he even has a shot of coming back from this, it's gonna take your help."

I looked at him quickly with my macintosh eyes, surprise clear on my face. "_Me_? Why _me_?"

Emmett's face and tone were exasperated.

"Because _you_ love him. Because _you _are his reason and he's yours. Because thats the way it was meant to be."

_Because I needed him like he needed me. _

We waited in the canopy, listening to Edward's stealthy approach. Emmett reached down and grabbed the thick branch he had been perched on, starting to swing himself down to the forest floor. Before he launched himself off his seat, he regarded me again, the humor still wiped from his features, sincerity and empathy coloring his eyes.

"You know, some dead human said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I think that goes for mostly everyone. And no one killed you, Bella, you're still in there somewhere. Things will get easier, and you're going to be stronger, like we all are. I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be, and I've beaten my monster because that was what it took for me to keep Rose, to make her happy. And when Bella finally decides to come back to us, she's gonna to be one tough bitch. And she's gonna save Edward too, she's the only one who can."

And with that, Emmett slung himself toward the snow below to greet his haggard brother.

**Edward Cullen - **

_I've got to warn her but how do I approach her? Oh God please, not one more thing. I can not bear this one more thing._

I paced swiftly in a half-circle, about a half-mile from where Isabella and Emmett lounged in the trees. I moved around her in an orbit, a satellite to her mighty pull, and even though I could hear the approaching thoughts getting clearer by the second, I was caught between my fear of scaring her away and my overwhelming need to be close to her. I continued to pace in my arc, tethered by her hold on me.

Although the humans were still a few miles off and most of their thoughts were still blurry and muted, one particular voice cut through the distance and pierced my mind with the force of a bullet. It was louder than the rest, piercing...frenzied, and the sheer force of the terror shoved images at me, horrible snippets of gore laced with memories of a slight, blond child.

_blood and splinters of bark_

_the warped mass of the tree-stand_

Over all else, the mind screamed one word repeatedly, it was a chant, a prayer, a lifeline. His Name.

_Nathan_

Nathan's mother's wails continued to grow more shrill as the distance between us closed, her agony ripped through my brain but I could not - would not - block her. Others were with her, but the miles separating us blurred their numbers. Despite the distance, I could know for sure that they were coming, their pace slow but relentless. And I knew from experience that more would follow, that they would bring in the search parties - the bloodhounds.

As Nathan's name speared into my head, over and over again, my mind raced with what to do. I knew I had to approach her, I had made my movements loud enough so that they could hear me approach, yet still they did not acknowledge me. I could hear Emmett's thoughts, but if he noticed me he gave me no sign, and it was so hard to concentrate on the hushed tones of their whispers while Nathan's mother begged for God's mercy and my attention.

In yet another moment of panic, all of Jasper's work flitted away, the calmness and peace that had given me rest for a few short minutes leaked out of my fingertips. My body shook, and the sensation was familiar to me, after these past few weeks.

_Weeks._

The thought made me smile irrationally for a moment, disgusted at how little time had passed, at how far I'd fallen. We should be married by now, I should be feeding her strawberries while she lies in the sand, listening to the waves play accompaniment to her heartbeat. I should be laughing with her and protecting her, cherishing her. Instead, I am afraid - terrified - to approach her.

Thankfully, Emmett's thoughts finally turn away from Isabella's words, and settle on me, still pacing below them.

_She's calm now. You should chill out, you're going to spook her. _

I tried to compose my face, but I still couldn't block out the Mother's incessant screams, her vivid memories of her firstborn child, her pleas to God. I swallowed hard as Emmett landed silently on the ground before me, and I was talking at him before he had time to straighten.

"I waited as long as I could, but there are humans coming. They've already found the stand."

Isabella hit the ground with a loud thump, dust swirled around her beautiful frame and settled on her filthy long johns, brushed against her blood-smeared face. I couldn't bring my eyes up to meet hers, but I continued to speak, angling my words towards her now.

"Isabella, the others are at the cabin, but it wont be safe there for you, its too close to the scene. This place isn't going to be isolated enough for us anymore. If you want, I can take you to the island, but we need to leave soon. It's not safe here."

_Nathan Nathan Nathan Nathan Nathan please God Nathan Nathan_

I couldn't speak anymore, so I prayed that she would follow. I looked at Emmett pointedly and he nodded, and silently agreed to help me carry her out if we had to, for her own good we could not let her lose control again. I thanked that thoughtless, twisted God of Nathan's Mother for keeping the search party downwind of us.

Emmett's face tightened, and Isabella's back pulled straighter. I realized that the screams of Nathan's mother were no longer just in my head, but were beginning to reach us through the thick trees. The humans were much too close. We had to run.

Isabella pulled in a deep breath, and for a moment I thought that I had lost her, that the bloodlust had taken her from me again and she was going to take off. I already hated myself for the force I would have to exert upon her to stop her. I _had_ to stop her this time.

She held the breath in tightly for a moment longer, holding her body as still as a statue, and then she took off running in the opposite direction of the screams. All my weight rested on my heels as I had prepared to block her, to hold my position between myself and the prey behind me. Her choice of direction threw me for a fraction of a second, and even Emmett was already gone when I finally took off after her. We weren't heading in the right direction to re-group at the cabin as I had discussed with Carlisle, but for now I was satisfied that we were running.

I passed Emmett on his left, and continued to sprint, pining for and dreading the moment when I would finally catch up with what was left of my Beloved.

**Isabella Cullen - **

It seemed as though I ran for a very, very long time. Edward had ran close behind me for several miles, but after awhile his gait became more labored, and he eventually fell further back, which surprised me. I'd always heard that he was the fastest, that he could run for miles and miles. I assumed he had some vampire reason for moving his position so far behind Emmett and I, like making sure that I was surrounded on all sides or some other overprotective nonsense.

When I finally broke out of my sprint, I was standing on the steep grade of a hill, my marathon had brought me far up into the mountains. I didn't risk taking a breath, but my ears strained to hear and identify all of the sounds in our area. I searched for threats, prey, and found none. As Emmett finally appeared at my side, I took in my first shallow taste of air.

_Safe._

Edward walked into the clearing and stood apart from Emmett and I, his face was hard to read, his expression new to me. Envy? Embarrassment? I gazed at his face with scrutiny, not hiding my interest or curiosity, and his head bowed lower, his shoulders slumped further.

I studied him, and took in the whole of his condition, as if it was all brand new to me. He looked sick, thin, slightly crazed. His perfect skin, which I had seen glow and glitter, which always seemed to be alit by some ethereal light, was now a bleached and dusty white. His face and shoulders were gaunt, his entire frame seemed_ lanky_. The bruises above his cheekbones were inky blue, and his eyes were a deep, thick black. He was terrifying, dirty, inhuman.

_Not Edward._

There was no confidence in him, none of the understated swagger that had been such an initial draw. One of the memories that had returned to me flittered into the forefront of my mind:

_His arm wrapped carefully but securely around my shoulders as we walked down a crowded, bright hall. He never watched where he was going, his face always seemed to be tilted towards my hair when we walked. His footing was always sure, and he would whisper into my ear and brush my hair from my face as we paced together, he was always pushing me slightly into his chest, bringing me closer to him._

No, hardly any of that God-like creature was left at all now, this apparition in front of me was a poor imitation, almost insulting. I couldn't let this happen, I couldn't let him drain any more life from himself, not when I knew that Bella had loved him more than anything else in her world. Like Emmett had said, he needed me, that much was obvious.

But I was still angry with him, I couldn't just let that all go. Even now, the clearest memory that I had of my life was the very, bitter end. Thinking of the act itself still made me feel sick, the fact that our first sexual encounter was so brutal was something that seemed unforgivable, even now.

I walked in front of him, made my body face his even though I knew that he could have heard me perfectly fine without the effort.

"Edward, I want you to leave me. And I don't want you to come back until your eyes are golden."

He actually started to argue with me, but I didn't allow more than a few syllables out of his mouth before I interrupted him rudely. When I raised my voice he halted to listen, and I was even more perturbed by his lack of spirit, by how utterly _defeated_ he was. Not like Edward at all.

"You _will _go hunt because you have to, I don't want to be around you while you're like this anymore. You look so sick, and I can't stand to eat near you while you waste away to nothing. It's stupid, Edward. Emmett is going to take me to the cabin to meet everyone, and you can come back there when you finish."

"Bell...Isabella, please", Edward begged, "it's going to take me a long time to renourish myself, and I can't leave you that long. Please Isabella, I _can't. _You shouldn't be at the cabin that long either, love, we've got to get you out of here as quickly as we can."

"Fine, then, we'll meet you at the plane. We'll have someone bring our things. If we have to move on, then I'm sure that you'll be able to find me." I looked at Emmett meaningfully and he pulled a small silver phone out of his pocket, which was already ringing. Emmett walked away from us, down the mountain, while he discussed our new plans with Alice, who was calling to offer her assistance. I continued to stare Edward down while he fought to find words to escape this.

"Just go Edward, please go. I need you to be strong for me, how can you protect me if you are so weak?" The words rang hollow and false in my ears, and I was sure that he knew it as well. But I was correct when I assumed that it was just what he needed to hear because he looked me in the eyes for a brief second and then disappeared noiselessly into the woods.

Even after he was gone, truly gone, I couldn't bring myself to turn away, my eyes continued to scan the woods in the direction that his scent wafted. I cringed when a large hand touched my wrist, but the offending hand didn't flit away like Edward's. Emmett's bear-like claw pulled me out of my trance and led me like a child through the trees.

**Edward Cullen - **

The undergrowth slapped at my face and bare chest, scrapping harmlessly against my skin, leaving marks that healed even before they opened. The pain of my forcing my body through the dense, barren forest was wholly absent. The swipes were like the lick of a mother cat when compared to the incomprehensible fissure inside of me. In my naivety I had thought that the hole in my chest had been as bad as it could be, but a gaping crevice now split my chest in two and swallowed that previous hole like an after-dinner mint. When Isabella had said those words, my very being withered up and died.

_I want you to Leave Me._

And of course I did, because who the hell was I to refuse her? Was I so weak that I could not leave her, even when she expressly asked it of me? Yes, I was that weak, but I had to pretend otherwise because her doubt of my ability to provide for her had been almost as painful as her dismissal.

The only thing that kept my legs moving was her other order: hunt. As I plowed through the snow-covered shrubs and thickets I grabbed every breathing thing around me, cracking its neck and sucking it dry while reaching with my other hand for other warm bodies. Eventually my linear track ran across the scent of a pack of wolves, and I decimated their coven before the pups in their cave woke from the noise.

_If nothing else, the Cullens are very efficient killers._

I hunted in this frenzied way for hours, and soon my stomach felt full to bursting and I was making sloshing noises as I pushed through the trees. My sense of smell guided me, and eventually my seemingly random wanderings led me further down the mountain, close to a wide stream that was frozen nearly all the way across.

I rammed my hand through the foggy ice and spent about a half-hour pulling fish from the hole. The taste was repulsive, the blood was slimy and chilled, but the work was quick.

I rose from my crouch on the ice and noticed a small human hovel on the bank of the river. There was only one window, and it had been boarded up years before, the entire structure seemed vacant and fragile. I walked into its interior and was unsurprised at its dusty and forgotten furniture. In a small bedroom occupied by a boxspring mattress and a thousand tiny moths, I found just what I had come for - a dirty sliver of mirror.

Although I had seen my reflection in Alice's mind repeatedly over the weeks, I was nonetheless shocked by how hollow and ill my features were. Worse than all the dirt and shadows on my face was the unhinged cast to my eyes, which were a dull brown-yellow.

Alice's previous thoughts flashed back to me.

_She's learning from you._

I thought back to the last image that I had of Isabella. Her feet were black against the brilliance of the snow, her clothes were putrid and gory, her hair was a nest of blood and twigs. Since her change, her face had almost always been smeared with dark red stains.

My eyes stayed locked on my own reflection as I made all the connections. She was nearly silent and ill-tempered, she didn't know how to hunt, she never used her speed or strength. She never laughed, or smiled. She had never played our games - chess or baseball - she couldn't feed cleanly, nor had she ever chosen her own meal.

I hadn't taught her any of that, because I had been too busy wallowing in my own punishment, encouraging her to continue her downward spiral so that I may accompany her.

I had failed her again, by not only hating what I was, but what _she_ was.

My newest shortcoming fresh and bitter on my tongue, I wanted to fall to my knees. But it was well past the time for gratification of my own wants. Isabella wanted me to be strong again, fast and well-fed and ready to protect her.

Bella had wanted me to teach her, and I had swore to her that once she was changed, I would walk her through it all, give her the best existence that I could.

That promise should not have changed.

Bella would have sobbed in grief if she could see what I had become since I had forced her to leave me by taking her soul. She probably wouldn't even recognize the creature that stared back through the sliver of glass in my hands, hopelessness and defeat evident on his face. Bella had always loved Edward the Man, not the Monster. The thing looking back at me in the mirror was surely a beast.

Isabella had expressed her distaste for the shell of Edward that existed meagerly on the only shred of humanity that was left in me, and God knows that the predator inside of me had been permanently castrated by Bella's change. Maybe Isabella would have enjoyed Edward the Man as much as Bella Swan had, I'd like to think that she would at least be comfortable with him.

But I knew well that Edward the Man had died, right there in Carlisle's office when Bella's heart had stopped beating. Edward the Man could not exist without Bella, he had belonged absolutely _to_ Bella - created and preserved for one hundred years just to bask in her warmth for a few holy months.

But Isabella deserved something better than a shell of who I used to be. I knew that the best thing I could do for her progress would be to befriend her, make her comfortable and then teach her how to find her own happiness. I couldn't let my mood hold her down anymore, and more than that I had to somehow remember how to stand tall for her, be optimistic and confident for her.

I wasn't sure if I was capable of any of it anymore. It had been so long since I had worn the mask, so much had changed - I didn't know if it would fit me anymore.

I shrugged and exhaled loudly, leaving the dust in the air dancing gracefully as I exited the small cabin. I noted the sun, low in the sky, and then headed back into the mountains, my route more purposeful this time. My headed tilted upwards and I searched for large prey, hoping to intersect it along my way.

All I could do was feed, return to her, and find out which side of me Isabella Cullen might care to have around.


	6. Chapter 6 Into the Wild

**Into the Wild**

**Isabella Cullen - **

For a long time I didn't concentrate on where Emmett was leading me, I was too engrossed in my own guilt at sending Edward away. The look on his face when he briefly met my eyes before he ran was one of pure and unadulterated anguish. It was obvious now that leaving my side caused him physical pain, absence from me had seemed to affect him like this since my change. Now that his scent was no where around me, now that I couldn't hear the intake of his breaths or the hushed movement of the forest against his granite body, I felt the anguish spilling onto me as well.

We could both feel the maddening pull of one another, we were tethered in some inexplicable way and by forcing distance between us both of our hearts were hurting - straining - for renewed contact.

But my feet continued to move through the hardened snow, and Emmett stayed about a foot ahead of me, leading me by my arm through the tunnels of the forest. We walked for several hours and my heightened sense of direction told me that our journey was largely uncalled for, that for the most part we had traveled in small circles, heading steadily further east.

After so many hours of silence, Emmett's jovial voice caught me unaware.

"So you're goin' to the island, huh? Rosie and me went there on our first honeymoon too, but we traveled with the whole family so there would be more people to control me. Even still, it was one of the best experiences of my first year."

My brain reeled at this new information. _The Island? Honeymoon?_

The confusion must have been clear on my face because Emmett made his familiar gruff chuckling sound.

_"_I figured you would have realized where he was taking you by now, but I guess he never told you about the honeymoon plans. I knew he was trying to keep it a secret, but none of us really thought he'd be able to do it. He's so freaking wrapped around your finger that he'd tell you whatever you wanted to know, if you'd really ask him."

So this island had been the planned location for our ill-fated honeymoon. From her past, I could gather that the romance of a secluded island would not have been lost on his Beloved. Thinking of Edward and a fragile, human Bella basking in the glow of the sun, touching each other in small and reverent ways, made my stomach twist painfully.

This time, Emmett chose to ignore my vacant stare and continued our conversation casually.

"Yeah, Edward's seen some pretty crazy shit since the 1900's, but nothing shook him like when you used to bat those brown eyes at him. He'd nearly jizz himself every time you touched him."

Emmett's last sentence startled me out of my stupor, embarrassment being replaced by an unfamiliar amusement after a moment. A small chuckle even escaped me, and then we lapsed back into companionable silence as he led me through the thick undergrowth. My mind began to wander to the first part of Emmett's statement, about Edward's time on earth before me. This thought caused another to flitter across my consciousness - something that Emmett had said earlier, in the tree canopy.

_With the exception of Carlisle, no one's hands are clean around here._

I thought again of Edward's tortured expression as he had slinked noiselessly into the woods. I remembered the slump of his shoulders, which had always been there but which seemed to grow more pronounced every day. I thought of the efficiency and skill he had displayed as he buried my hunter-boy in the roots of the spruce tree.

Suddenly, the memories that I had of Edward, the images of his life that his journal had painted, seemed oddly incomplete. I was struck almost violently by the epiphany that Edward Cullen hadn't somehow started with Bella Swan, he'd lived for a century prior. My perceptions of Edward slowly changed, evolved, and as his motivations and countenance became even more shadowed, swathed in mystery - I became even more intrigued.

"Tell me more about Edward...before me," I commanded Emmett simply.

And he did not disappoint me. He had a natural knack for story-telling, he could draw others in with his simple words and friendly tone; and I listened intently as Emmett recounted the life of Edward from the very beginning. Even though he hadn't witnessed the birth of Carlisle's first son himself, he told me the story of his childhood in Chicago, of his thirst for war, of his last human moments, of his poor yet loving Spanish parents.

He told me about his slip, how he had left Carlisle and Esme for almost a decade to pursue the other, more hedonistic lifestyle of his kind. He described in excruciating detail how Edward had chosen his prey, how he had lured them to their ends, how he had been the jury and judge to hundreds of guilty men. He told me of his homecoming - Esme had folded him into her arms when he approached their small farmhouse years later, nearly nude and eyes as red as blooming roses. Emmett explained with objective pity how Edward had never truly recovered from that time he spent in the cities, that although he picked back up his familial responsibilities, he had never been the same after letting his predator call the shots for those few, dark years.

He filled me in on the intrincities of Edward - how music was the outlet to his soul, how romantic and Victorian ideals had impacted his view of vampirism, of how well he hid the pain and burden of his gift, of how lonely yet resigned he'd seemed as the members of his family found love - purpose.

I was so enveloped by Emmett's stories that I was annoyed by the smell of the rest of my family, not far ahead of our position. I turned slightly further north, and Emmett let me lead him on another lap around the creatures in front of us, buying me a few more precious moments to flesh out the character of my creator.

All too soon, Alice's patience was exhausted and she glided toward us through the trees as if their were wings on her shiny black stillettos. Before I had time to process her movements, she had slung her tiny arms around my neck, pressing herself onto me even though my entire frame stiffened at the bodily contact.

The trees rustled to our left and Rosalie appeared, leaning against a tree trunk with a tense air that belied her casual stance. Her eyes did not touch me, but instead they drank in Emmett's presence to my left, emotion was almost palpable in the air as she stared at him, silently daring him to break her gaze. Without one word Rosalie turned around and dashed into the trees.

Emmett gazed at me one last time, and he shrugged then pawed my shoulder playfully on the way past me into the woods. I heard him say "Bye, Bella! Have fun on the Isle, call if ya need me!", and then his massive frame melted into the foliage.

Chasing his reason.

**Edward Cullen - **

Just like she had predicted, I had no trouble at all tracking her. As I approached her location, feeling bloated yet extremely energized, I took in the tenor of my family's thoughts scattered around the clearing that would serve as my runway. Most were concentrating on the tasks at hand, loading the small plane with fuel and necessities while keeping a covert eye on Isabella. Esme approached my location at an inhuman speed, greeting me with her usual dramatic endearment, carrying the old green duffel bag and a small wire cage containing six terrified rabbits.

As she entered my line of sight I heard Carlisle approach from behind me, both of them converging on me in a well-planned and executed affront. I still wasn't in the mood for their condolences, but my recent gluttony had dulled the sharp edge in my posture, my voice.

Even more fulfilling than the satisfaction of my bloodlust was once again catching the freesia-strawberry aroma on the breeze, breathing it in and tasting it like an expensive, rare wine. For a moment, I simply existed in the presence of the glory of her scent, and watched with disinterest as Esme and Carlisle's mouths moved, talking at me. Eventually I forced myself to halfway listen, just long enough to gather that the plans hadn't really changed, that in a few short moments I would be thousands of feet off the ground with Isabella, taking her to the one location that I dared to hope may soothe her.

Nothing much had changed, as far as our travel plans went, but I wondered if Carlisle and Esme could see that, in fact, _everything_ had changed. During my hunt, my entire world had shifted on its axis, and I saw everything in an entirely new light.

I had no more plans for active punishment, there would be no more self-imposed hatred, no more near-starvation. I had finally come to realize that my constant punishment was just as detrimental to her as my obsession with her as a human had been. It was still an act of desperation, it was still what I wanted, not what was best for her.

Still selfish.

I forced myself to focus on Carlisle's thoughts, which were prodding me with slight annoyance and a barely perceptible fear. Apparently, Esme had asked me a question and, lost in my own thoughts, I had ignored her, and now they were both staring at me in apprehension. I shook my head like a dog and looked back at Carlisle's face, assuring him with my eyes that I was back, that I was sane enough to make this flight with her. Then I turned and faced Esme, and gave her the best impression of a smile that I could muster. In that moment I was very glad that my eyes were once again a sparkling gold. Esme sighed sadly at my effort, and I knew that my acted hadn't fooled her. I could only hope my mask would be more successful against Isabella.

With my newly composed face, I sauntered into the clearing, toward's Isabella, trying with all my being to appear confident, complacent. She regarded me with suspicion and turned back to Alice, who was placing the warn red and black journal into her tiny hands. I didn't stop my forward momentum until I was standing in front of Isabella, close enough to touch her although I knew that my false bravado would not allow me to venture that far.

"Ready to go, love? I'd like to get off the ground before the wind picks up." I was proud of my ability to keep my voice even, unassuming.

Inside I was trembling, begging her to let me stay.

She still didn't speak to me, but as she studied my entire frame with scrutiny, she seemed pleased with my progress. She had changed out of the dirty pajamas, and her slim, lithe frame was now exquisitely wrapped in a deep blue dress, falling just a fraction of an inch above her knee. Her hair was still dirty but it was pulled away from her face, cinched in a small silver barrette at the nape of her neck.

Even covered in filth, even with bloodstain on her jaw, Isabella was breathtaking - holy.

Alice shoved clothes at me and forced me to circle around the plane to change, and while I shrugged off the remnants of my shirt, I listened to Carlisle's hesitant pacing near the nose of the aircraft. As I was buttoning up the loose linen pants Alice had given me, he turned the corner of the plane and walked towards me with purpose, a small black box cradled loosely in his right hand.

At the sight of the box my whole body froze and I had to fight to keep the panic from spreading onto my face, breaking my carefully built facade. The unassuming box seemed to grow in size, and when Carlisle placed it into my open palm its contents felt heavy - like lead.

I knew there was no lead in the the silky folds of the box, simply a thin golden band. Inside of this terrifying little cube was an opal stone surrounded by the tiny pinpoints of diamonds, each caught in a fragile web of gold. The smooth, slick box contained the ring that my Bella had worn until her very last day, when Carlisle had gently removed it from her left hand to keep her from cracking the stone in her throes of agony.

Isabella had never seen the ring, and although I was fairly certain that she knew quite a bit about our previous engagement, she had never inquired about the absence the unassuming yet all-encompassing golden band.

I shoved the box into the pocket of my pants with more force than necessary, and I could not ignore the feel of it in my pocket, its corners jutting slightly into my hip as I walked towards Isabella. It was still impossibly heavy and I could feel its weight pushing on me, reminding me of its presence.

I rearranged my face into one of resigned patience and approached Isabella's side, even gathering the courage to touch her elbow in an old-fashioned yet intimate gesture.

"Ready to go, love?"

And to my utter and absolute surprise, she waved at the small gathering of family around us, and then followed my footsteps into the cockpit of the plane.

* * *

We flew for most of the next few days. Of course we had to stop and refuel every five hours or so, but our stops were quick and the miles passed below us with a speed that exhilarated me. I talked to Carlisle every afternoon on my cell phone, updating him on our location and receiving the news about our next leg of the trip, which would occur over water. Rosalie and Esme were preparing the boat, as Isabella and I would have quite a long journey across the wide ocean. However, comfortable travel was limited at the time, given that Isabella could still be counted on to mutilate any human within two miles of us.

We didn't see much of my family, but their unmistakable presence was clear at each of our stops. Every time our plane touched down on some predetermined yet unassuming stretch of abandoned field or swampy wetland, a fresh set of comfortable clothes would be waiting. There was always food available, most of the time groundhogs or rabbits were left in small cages for us, but once we found a large tawny hawk peeking from a pet carrier by our usual tanks of fuel. At first Isabella had been absolutely against killing the prideful, yet fragile, bird. But I convinced her that its wing was already broken, and that there was no way that it would survive in the wild on its own - I must admit that I grinned like a fool when I watched her facial expression as she tasted the blood of a carnivore for the first time.

On that first day in the plane together, Isabella spent most of her time reading her journals, and I was content to simply bask in the overwhelming scent of her - so strong in the confines of the cabin. I was also a little grateful for her silence, it gave me more time to think and I didn't feel pressured to make conversation with her. Although I had been encouraged by her reaction to my new attitude, how she had followed me into the plane without so much as a look of hesitation, I was still slightly nervous around her. I was dedicated to my new path, but I was still so unsure of how to proceed.

As always, Isabella's words were unexpected, but they gave me an opening that I had been preparing for since we took off.

"I'm hungry."

I tried to look at her and failed, but I managed a reasonably calm and friendly tone when I answered, "Well, love, I'm sure you can smell that rabbits behind your seat. Why don't you reach back and pull one out."

She studied my face, lowering her hand, which still held one of the blue ball-point pens.

"What will I drink out of?"

"Isabella dear, my hands are a little full right now with navigating the plane. I'm afraid it would be best it you would just bite the rabbit yourself. You already know how, just let the instinct take over and feed."

I tried to keep my voice even, and my grip on the controls was even harder to regulate. I steeled myself for her reaction.

"_You_ should do it. You said you didn't mind doing it for me." Her voice sounded childish, maybe even slightly frightened. My mind wandered momentarily if this was some sort of test. With resignation I realized that it didn't matter.

"Of course I don't mind feeding you. But even if I do catch your food for you, it will be more satisfying if you feed for yourself. Alice told us both that from the beginning, but I didn't want to listen because I liked being able to provide that for you."

Her eyes were still locked on me, her gaze burnt into the side of my face and I was suddenly terrified that she would lash out at me in the small space of the cockpit. The back of my mind raced with contingency plans but I still fought to continue, tried to find the words that Edward the Man would have said, those perfect phrases that would have been fraught with meaning and grace.

"It's time that I started teaching you how to be a vampire Isabella, and I'm very sorry that most of what you've experienced so far has been so terrible. It doesn't have to be that way, love, you can be happy. _We_ can be happy."

I almost believed myself.

She changed the subject deftly, and we talked for a while longer about some of the entries in my red and black journal, about the baseball games and family hunts that had been part of our lifestyle for decades. She even asked me a few questions about my distant past, and even though I was surprised by her knowledge of the subject, I answered all of her questions without lies or hesitation.

After a while, she reached behind her seat and pulled out a large wild hare. It's thick fur was a beautiful, snowy white and its black eyes were round and panicked. As Isabella lifted it gently out of the cage, its heart started sputtering, almost buzzing in its speed. Nevertheless, she held it in her cold arms for quite a while, petting it and soothing it with nonsensical words and noises. Though they weren't meant for me, I reveled in the honey of her sounds.

Eventually, after the rabbit's heartbeat had slowed, Isabella whispered one last apology into its sagging ear. Then she moved her mouth a few inches lower and sunk her teeth into its fur. A little blood did escape from around her lips, but as she drank, her body relaxed and the pulling motion she made with the muscles in her throat became more methodical. When she finished, she held the rabbit in her lap and stared out her window, absently rubbing its ears through her fingers.

"Do you think that was worse? That I drew out its death that long, should I have just made it quick?"

I thought about her question for several moments, and eventually I knew that my answer was irrelevant anyway, because just like we all did, she would have to figure out her own preferences, figure out exactly what she could and could not live with.

My voice was soft when I finally replied, and although I didn't look away from the blackness of the night in front of us, my hand softly grazed her arm once to emphasize my words.

"Don't worry love, you'll find your way."

**Isabella Cullen - **

Against a red-hot sunrise, I noticed a thin line of black outlining a millimeter or so of horizon.

Edward pushed our craft closer to that sun - that dash on top of the water - with a speed that whipped my hair out behind me savagely. At the beginning of our trip our pace had been slow but now that we were close _(and we're close, I can feel it) _there was a sense of almost desperate urgency. Our journey had been very long, and my feet ached to sink into the sand.

Our on-board store of blood had been gone since nightfall, and the knowledge of my shortage ate at my brain constantly, even though I wasn't thirsty yet. Well, not _truly_ thirsty.

My throat seemed to crack as it charred and I swallowed - hard - pushing down my need.

Edward heard my gulp, of course, and regarded me quickly before facing back east. "We're almost there love, then we'll hunt."

_Hunt? We'll hunt?_

I guess I'd figured out that he was going to try to make me hunt, it was the next logical step after killing my own animals. There was no doubt that I was scared and more than a little ashamed, but I tried to take comfort in the fact that innocent animals would die to sate me regardless. It was really just a question of who would do the catching - the providing.

And I very desperately wanted to feel some sort of control.

True to his word, Edward pulled up to a bleach-white dock only a few minutes later. With inhuman speed he moored our craft securely, then started to gather all of the bags strewn around the boat, even the ones that I had already pulled into my own hands.

I hopped out of the boat onto the wooden dock and we were both a little surprised by my easy grace.

And then he was running towards a low glass building resting in the sand, his speed was so great that even with my new vision I had trouble keeping up. He was only inside of the structure for a second, and then he was walking purposely towards me, his hands empty.

Edward's eyes burned me with their intensity as he strode towards me, a smirk nervously pasted on his features. Instead of stopping in front of me, he altered his route slightly and continued to stalk past me, drilling his eyes into mine when our faces were close. After a few moments I followed him into the dense fragrant trees.

Now that the time was upon me I was terrified. The only experience I had with this had ended in tragedy. I had lost myself completely in the bloodlust and a monster that I had not understood had taken its place. I loathed that twisted part of me, yet here I was moments away from allowing it to take me again.

Edward slowed his pace now that we were in the cover of the trees. He fell into step beside me and looked at me with encouragement and a small tinge of fear, as if I might bolt. When he began to speak, his voice was full of velvet and patience.

"Isle Esme was a gift from Carlisle on their tenth wedding anniversary. They lived here for a short while, that's when they built the house and docks and such. Now its usually empty, in fact the last time we used it was when Emmett was a newborn. We only have it stocked every decade or so, but since there are no humans to interfere, the wildlife flourishes here. We have a local family that we employ to keep the place up."

We continued to pace deeper into the dense green of the forest. All around me was the sounds of exotic life - dripping water, bird calls, the drone of millions of insects, and the harsh calls and slaps made by something large and clumsy in the canopy. The onslaught of noise overwhelmed me slightly, and my eyes grew wider as they flitted around the trees.

Edward brought our hike to a stop and turned to face me. He grabbed my hands in his and brought our faces even closer together.

"Isabella, there are absolutely no humans on this island, the closest are miles away." His voice softened as he continued, staring at me imploringly, begging me to believe him, to trust him. "You can let go, Isabella"

I hadn't realized until now that I'd been holding my breath.

Hesitantly, I drew in a shallow hit of air and the tastes and smells contained in such a small amount were still hard to bear. My mind raced to catalogue all the facts and figures of what I'd just learned from my senses.

There were animals everywhere. Absolutely everywhere. Their blood smelled unfamiliar and exotic, both sweet and bitter, both fruity and gamey. It was so varied.

Blood literally pulsed around me, the forest was pregnant with it. Venom pooled on my tongue and the predator inside of me snarled deep in her throat. By the way Edward looked at me, I can only asume that the snarl escaped from my throat as well.

"See? Everything is fine love, everything is fine. Now in just a moment we will choose which scent to follow, but for now just breathe it all in, loosen your chains."

Just the smell of the blood pulsing around me seemed to energize me. In my heightened state, the sound of Edward's voice was even more soothing, alluring. My predator was attracted to the warmth and tenor of his speech, and I felt myself look at him with new eyes.

My predator wanted him. She wanted to mark him.

I tried to force down the urge, but it was much harder now that she was at the forefront, begging for release (_loosen my chains..._). I pushed my eyes shut and tried to concentrate on the symphony of smells around me.

"I think that for your first try, we should choose something on the ground, close to our location. You might not be quite ready to try sneaking up on something." There was a smile in his voice now, and I realized that he was teasing me.

I opened my eyes again and looked at him.

"Now I want you to choose a scent that smells very strong, something that seems to be on our level of the forest. After you pick it out, try to focus on it by blocking out the other smells around it. When you think you've got it, just let go."

It sounded too easy. I didn't know how to take down an animal, I didn't know how to fight, I didn't even know how to approach. How was I going to do this?

Edward read the indecision in my face. He lowered his voice even more and reached his hand out towards my cheek, stroking it almost imperceptibly.

"Just let her go, Isabella. Loose her chains."

When his hand touched my face a streak of heat pulsed through me, but I fought it back. Then I closed my eyes again, and chose my meal. With a final sigh of resignation, I let my mind go numb, I let my defenses down.

And then I was running, and I could feel the branches ripping away my clothes as I sprinted through the undergrowth in a crouch. Then there it was in front of me, running away from me, it's hoofed feet kicking dirt back into my face.

I jumped on its back and it tried to buck me off. It turned on its own back and tried to fight me, gnashing at me with its large tusks and kicking me relentlessly. Its desperation annoyed me and I hit it with my fist, jarring its bristle-covered head. In its moment of hesitation I finished, piercing its thick skin and drinking its hot, pulsing blood.

Just like with the human boy it was ecstasy, and I lost myself in it.

After a few moments, a soft rumbling sigh broke me out of my bloodlust. I raised my head up a bit from my kill but I did not turn, instead waiting on the presence behind me to make the first move. My body was tense and strong, and I waited for the command of my mind to fight or flee.

The presence was quiet for a few more moments, and then finally spoke.

"Good girl."

Edward's voice was husky and strained, as if he had been crying. When I turned to face him, there was no sadness in this features, only accomplishment and pride. Maybe something else, but I did not care enough to look deeper, because I became once again distracted.

His scent of sun-warmed leather mixed with the exotic smells of coconut and black earth, making me feel strangly wild and powerful. The sound of his voice had once again heated me from the inside. The blackness of his eyes called to me.

Without any further warning, my predator rose from her crouch over the dead boar and jumped at the creature with the sensual scent and the indescribable pull.

A loud crack thundered through the forest as our bodies met, and the impact knocked us both forward, where Edward landed with his back against a tree. I only bothered to look at his face for a moment, but it was enough time to see the shock and fear etched on his features. If he thought that I meant to hurt him he did nothing to protect himself, his hands hung limp at his sides as I ripped his shirt down the middle and dug my fingernails down his chest. When I leaned in and bit his throat, he flinched but did nothing to hinder me.

As I bit down again, into his shoulder this time, I arched away from his body so that I could rid us of more of our clothes. With a perceptible jolt Edward realized where my intentions lied and finally made an effort to remove me from his lap.

But my newborn strength was too much for him, and once I had shredded our clothes I pinned his hands back down into the fragrant dirt. It angered me that he would interfere with this. I growled into his face and positioned myself over his member, which seemed to be the only part of him not shrinking away from me.

"Isabella, please, just wait for a moment love" The sounds of his pleading enraged me further and I forced myself down onto him in a quick and deep motion. As he entered me he gasped, and I felt his whole body jerk underneath me.

When he spoke again his voice was barely a whisper, and some small forgotten part of me sobbed at the pain in his voice.

"Please, Isabella, please stop."

But I knew that I couldn't stop, that my predator wouldn't stop. Instead, she hissed into his face again, and said the words that she knew would truly break him, make him hers.

"Would you _deny_ me this, Edward Cullen?"

**Edward Cullen - **

_This is not how it's supposed to be. This is not how it was meant to be._

It all seemed surreal. Isabella couldn't possibly be doing this to me, she couldn't possibly be on my lap right now, riding me so hard that I winced in pain.

I thought again of trying to stop her, but decided against it. Isabella would hate me if I denied her this, and I didn't have the right to deny her anything. I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to stop her anyway, she was so much stronger than me with Bella's blood still throbbing in her dead muscles. Her predator wanted this, needed this, and I was merely available to use. And that's exactly what she was doing - using me.

Her body rocked and pivoted on top of mine, forcing my manhood deep inside of her where it was strangled by her inner muscles. Her bare breasts bounced in my face and her hair surrounded us like a silk veil. She was absolutely stunning, and even with the violence, even with the pain, my body reacted to hers. It was shameful.

My downfall was how much she looked like my Bella. At the end of the day, I knew that I would give her anything, everything, because of that simple fact. When I had killed Bella she had left behind her shell for this monster on top of me, giving it utter and complete control over me. Now Isabella was using that shell to take pleasure from my body, and who was I to deny her?

_Oh my Bella, I'm sorry._

Even though she was gone, I still felt ashamed for what I was doing in this jungle. Sex was something I had never even considered before Bella, and she alone had starred in all of my daydreams, my hormone-fueled fantasies.

And now here I was desecrating her memory with this goddess-like creature above me.

Of course I couldn't help but see the bitter parallels between what was happening now and what I had done to Bella that last night. I suppose that some would even call it poetic justice, but I could only think of it as a further stain on Bella's memory - on her pure and fragile virtue.

I couldn't stand to look at Isabella anymore, I was too ashamed. So instead I squeezed my eyes shut and did the only thing that I could think of to get through this. I forced my mind away from the jungle, away from the building fire in my loins, and to the one place where I had found true refuge. I closed by eyes and thought of my Beloved.

_I would sit in the rocking chair across her room while she dreamed about me. My name would spill from her lips like a chant and her legs would rub together in frustration. The scent of her arousal would fill the air and I would allow myself to suck in lungfuls, getting drunk off of it. I would try to imagine what scene was playing in her dream, and I always liked to think that she was seeing our wedding night. "Yes, love", I would whisper to her sleeping form, "yes, it will be absolutely perfect. I can't wait to make sweet, slow love to you." _

Isabella's movements picked up even more speed, and the overwhelming girations of her body ripped me from my memory. Her inner muscles tightened around me hard enough to push the breath from my lungs, and then thankfully her movements stopped. Poised above me, Isabella came with intensity. Her body shuddered and my encased member felt all the vibrations which passed between us. I gritted my teeth to keep from screaming out as she sent me over the edge, where I never wanted to be.

And then she finally stepped off of my lap, leaving me naked and spent and ashamed.

_Oh my Bella, I'm sorry._


	7. Chapter 7 A Slipping Mask

**A Slipping Mask**

**Edward Cullen - **

My jaw was wet and slick with her juices, the venomous liquid coated her thighs and covered my hands and face. Her dirty fingers were buried in my hair, pushing me further into the wetness between her legs, encouraging the thrusting of my tongue. Her breaths came out in ragged bursts, she growled and purred in her throat as I lapped at her opening, massaging her bundle of nerves with my fingers. Even now that our body temperatures were the same, this one part of Isabella still felt scalding hot.

When I knew that she was close, I allowed a low feral growl to move up my throat, knowing that the vibrations against her would be just enough. As expected, she gripped her hands around my neck and another hot rush of her juices covered my face.

Isabella let go of me almost immediately, leaning back from my face then walking away. I fell back against my heels and wiped my jaw. These moments directly after were the worst, much worse than the acts themselves.

I had been pleasing Isabella like this for several weeks now, ever since our very first day on the Isle. The first few times she had to coerce me, threaten me, beg me. By this point I knew what came after the hunt, and I submitted to her without question.

After what I'd taken from her, I would give her anything she desires. _Anything._

Other than our new feeding rituals, not much else had changed between Isabella and I, our routines were very much the same as the ones we established in the cabin. Isabella spent most of her time alone, reading her journals and writing like mad.

I used our time in the jungle together to show Isabella things that would prove useful in her long existence. She was already much quieter in her movements, she could climb up into the jungle canopy with the grace of a lynx and disable large predators without tearing her clothes. Isabella was a wonderful student, a quick learner.

In other respects she seemed to be regressing. Her temperament was stormy when she was at her best. The only smiles I saw anymore were forced and bitter, filled with cynicism and laced with sadness. I wasn't really sure whether it was better than none at all. Isabella was like all newborns - hungry and overwhelmed, violently angry and most decimating of all - utterly and completely lost.

I didn't know what I'd expected really, it seemed almost ludicrous now to think that the change of scenery would magically reverse the tragedy of our situation. My attitude may have caused some of the problems between us, but now there was no distraction from the true consequences of my biggest mistake.

It was very silly of me to imagine that we could just be happy, that we could exist on this island as some sort of vacationing couple, when it was so glaringly obvious that we were no such thing.

Even in her absolute beauty and radiance, even with the innocence and grace that she fleetingly displayed, Isabella was not what I lacked. The ambience of Isle Esme and her stunning face were only constant reminders of the permanent absence of my Bella. How stupid for me to contemplate being happy again, after losing my soul when I killed her.

I knew now that the best I could hope for was giving Isabella a damned good start, like I'd promised, and then finding solace in non-existence once she realized that she didn't want me around either. Of course I didn't deserve to be happy, but I knew that I had to at least wear the mask, to allow Isabella to learn to smile for herself. At the very least I owed her that.

I avoided looking at her for another few moments, trying to prolong the inevitable.

She surprised me as always, not because she spoke, but because of the almost soft and pained tenor of her voice. The cadence of her words seemed to stir something deep within me, but all that was forgotten quickly when I processed her words.

"I'm sorry you had to do that again."

For once I didn't even need the mask, my expression of surprise and confusion was very real.

"Why on earth would you say that? You don't have anything to be sorry for."

She cast her eyes towards the jungle floor and I was even more taken aback by her sudden shyness.

"I know that you don't like it."

"Of course I like it," I lied, hoping that my slander was better for her than the truth. My mask was securely on my features now and I continued in my most soothing voice, "You are the most beautiful being in existence, and I love and enjoy every single part of you."

My words did not have their desired effect, she continued to stare at the ground, absently toying with the ends of her mahogany mane. The silence stretched out around us.

Finally she said apologetically, "But I'm not her."

Her words were so unexpected that I scrambled for something to say for almost a full ten seconds, and then finally spouted something stupid, just to fill up the silence.

"You two are very much alike." It was only a half-lie.

She sighed at my answer and kicked at some mushrooms which dotted the earth under our feet. I wanted to touch her badly, but I was afraid that her strange mood would transform to anger or lust if I did. Whatever emotion that was stirring inside of Isabella was new yet somehow strangely familiar to me - it intrigued and scared me. My time for observation was short, because seconds after my idiotic comment she turned and slinked deeper into the heart of the island, away from the beach house.

"I wanna go walk for a while, I need to sort some things out." Now that was the kind of statement that one expected from a newborn, something implying confusion or frustration or plain red rage. As she disappeared into the palm fronds, I followed a few steps behind.

Without turning she said to me, "I need to be alone for a while." As always her slight dismissal stabbed at my chest, but the pain was almost a friend to me now and I used it to stop my legs. I stood as still as a statue for several minutes, letting her scent become a faint trace on the breeze before taking off after her again.

I hadn't traveled far when my phone started vibrating in my jeans pocket. I expected that it was Carlisle as it was his custom to call every few days or so, and so I wasn't surprised when his name flashed upon the screen. While I didn't particularly want to talk to him today, or hardly ever, I forced myself to answer the phone in order to ease his mind. Isabella had made it clear that she wanted more alone time on the Island, so I couldn't risk the family showing up because of the lack of communication.

"Good afternoon, Carlisle." My greeting was polite and sounded almost nonchalant, which was as much as I could hope for.

"Hello son," a feminine, fluid voice said on the other end. "Do you need to speak with Carlisle first?"

Esme's voice stopped my steps again, and my mind fluttered with a thousand possible replies to her, but none seemed quite right. I settled for a simple "Hello mother," and winced at how unsteady my voice sounded.

"How are you dear? We all think about you both every day."

I wasn't sure if I could lie to her like the others, I'd never been able to do it before.

"Isabella and I are fine, her progress is encouraging. Of course, we've had the expected issues."

My tone sounded almost clinical, and just as I suspected, Esme wasn't fooled. Even with thousands of miles between us she stared straight through my mask, right into the hole where my soul used to be.

She sighed and said softly, "Oh Edward, you haven't eased up on yourself at all, have you?"

I didn't have an answer for that either, or at least any that I thought may please her. When it became obvious that I wasn't going to speak, she continued.

"You've got to come out of this my dear, or Bella isn't going to be able to either. I know its hard to see it when she's acting the way that she is, but you must remember that she's still under four months old."

I couldn't help internally scoffing at her words. Every part of me knew that Bella was gone, every action of Isabella's proved it to me.

"With our help she'll find herself again Edward, just like we all did."

I couldn't listen to the assured, cottling tone of her voice anymore, my free hand was pulled into a stone fist and I struggled to hold the fragile phone in my grip without destroying it. _She means well, she loves you, she means well _was like a mantra in my mind, and I fought against the guilt and angry remorse that boiled up in me as she consoled me, lied to me.

"Bella's gone." She short sentence was all I could manage without losing my handle, I had to interrupt her sympathies but I couldn't help the sharpness in my voice.

"Bella is _not_ gone." She shot back at me, the razor edge to her statement overpowered mine. "And I can't believe that you would give up on her so quickly. You _know_ that this is normal, Edward, you've _seen _it before, with the rest of us. You must not let her think that you've given up on her humanity."

When my silence answered her command, her voice became wet with venom and she almost hissed at me, "and woe be unto you if you have explicitly _told her_ that she is not the same person she's always been."

Esme had never been this hostile with me, not even when I'd fell into her arms covered in gore and mud, not even when I'd left her crying form on the floor of our meager cabin in favor of murder and bloodlust. She hadn't even scolded me when I'd ran to the beach like a coward and left my family to deal with a destroyed and changing Bella.

My continued silence was all the affirmation she needed, and I could actually hear the grating screech of her nails digging into some wooden surface, even the faint rush of the air rushing angrily through her nostrils.

"You _will_ fix this Edward, and I'm going to be more generous than you deserve and give you a full week to do it. Then I'll be heading to the Isle myself to deal with the situation, and give Bella the kind of reassurance that she needs. I expect to be kept updated of your progress until then. Answer me."

Automatically, I whispered, "Yes, mother."

At the sound of her name she sighed again, letting the anger seep out of her and regaining her almost flawless composure. Her voice was much softer when she spoke again.

"We love you very much dear, and I know that you can do this. You've got to trust her, Edward, you have to believe in her and encourage her to come back to you. Bella may be hiding, but she would never leave you."

I hung up abruptly so she wouldn't hear the broken sobs that began rolling out of me.

**Isabella Cullen - **

Of all of the parlor tricks that came with being a damned immortal, swimming without the need for oxygen was definitely my favorite.

The density of the water muted all the smells and sounds around me to an almost peaceful level. No inhaling meant no constant cataloguing in my mind, no mindless hunger at the faint traces of chilly blood lapping at me.

Of course the underwater wildlife was just as afraid of me as the rest, but with a little effort I could match their speed as they retreated, wonder in their bold colors and graceful movements. And I could always marvel at the dancing of the alien foliage tethered in the rocks and sand, or even be dazzled by the sand itself, which glittered like precious gems in the faceted sunlight that filtered through the crystal water.

Under the surface of the ocean, or in places like this deep pool of fresh water that formed from the rain and springs in the mountains, I found an almost-peace. I saw brief glances of tranquility.

On the far side of the pool was a waterfall, where the river that snaked through the jungle plunged forty feet down into a white haze of mist. I swam towards the thunderous vibrations of the falling water and positioned myself directly under its weight. The pounding of the water pushed my body into the fine gravel that had been formed by thousands of years of relentless erosion, and the pressure against my skin was hard and numbing and deliciously distracting.

With the constant pounding rush I couldn't see or hear, there was no smell except for the freshness of the rainwater on my face. For a few precious moments I was free to simply think.

Of course my thoughts immediately centered on Edward, the hero and villain of my existence, the reason for and consequence of all my decisions. Thinking of him now without the constant battering of outside forces caused my deathly-still heart to ache, it made me feel hollow inside.

I loved him, I couldn't doubt or deny that any longer. It hurt to be near him, but it was utterly impossible to be without him. Even now, desperate as I was for isolation, I knew that I could only focus without him because of my certainty that should I raise my head above the water, his scent would be immediately evident to me. If I called for him he would be here in seconds, if I banished him from my presence he would only give me a little more room.

Even worse than my love for him was my failure at hating him. If I closed my eyes and reached back, I could still recall everything about his attack with an almost-clarity. The memory was so strong and real that my body reacted instinctively when I remembered the blood blooming out of my chest, my throat burned and itched painfully. The worst was the feeling of his hands on me, like granite claws, inhuman, no give, no compassion.

Still I loved him. Even understood him. I understood his need for Bella now more than ever, why he couldn't stay away from her even when he knew that it was safest. I understood why he ran after Jasper's slip, why he felt the obligation to constantly offer Jacob to her even when it was obvious that it tore him apart inside. Even worse, I completely understood why he attacked that night, and I somehow knew that if our situations had been reversed, I would have failed just like he had, only much, much sooner.

Thinking of my actions directly before the attack still made me sick with humiliation and remorse. Edward had never mentioned it of course, and I was mostly grateful but some part of me wished he would blame Bella a little more for the outcome of their tragic story. I knew that was impossible, as he had always been blind to any of her faults, he had worshipped her naive and spontaneous spirit.

Reading about Bella in the journals reminded me of watching one of the television series of my first life. While I remembered bits and pieces, I always saw them as a third party observer, I listened to her story with interest and a faint familiarity, but felt no true connection. Somehow it didn't seem possible that her thoughts had once existed in my brain, that my dead heart had once beat in her chest. It seemed utterly ridiculous to think that we were ever the same, that I was ever anything other than this hungry, confused creature waging a daily battle against the beast inside.

After today's conversation with Edward I felt even more drained and disconnected from the Bella who had lived in this shell before me. His use of my preferred name had always been a small sign of his views, but his admission today concreted the fact that we were indeed very separate beings. I felt guilty for residing in the home of his former Beloved, even worse for further staining her memory with every lapse that I made.

Every day I tried to be better, but it was more than I could conquer. How could I even focus on being nicer to Edward, on trying to connect the strings between what I was then and what I am now, when I can't control my own mind or body? Every smell brought memories, every movement and sound meant a threat, every touch permeated through my entire frame. All of it winded back to the hunger, the lust.

Filing cabinets opened and slammed inside my mind without reprieve, ideas and images jumbled and fell out of sorts, and all the while some animalistic instinct pulled at my body's strings, choosing my movements. I constantly fought for control, and usually lost miserably.

Since giving myself over to my fate, my monster mostly ran the show - usually I observed.

I could hide from my beast for a while under the relentless pounding of the waterfall, but I knew that eventually my need for nourishment would conquer my desperate attempts at clarity. A few hours later, I forced my body to slip out of the crater under the falling water and I swam back to the other shore where I could climb out of the pool. I stretched my slender body out on the muddy bank, arching my muscles to rid them of the tingling numbness left over from the vampiric massage.

As I was beginning to rise from the ground and start my hunt, the wind blew across my face and caressed me with a million recognizable scents and flavors, including my greatest addiction. The leathery, honeysuckle smell of him wasn't far off, and my sharp eyes picked his shape out on the cliff, his bronze hair sparkling from the mist of the waterfall.

With inhuman speed I scaled the slick rocks to sit beside him on his moss-covered perch. Neither of us spoke for a while.

"I spoke to Esme on the phone today, she sends her best."

As usual, it took me a small second to reply, speaking coherently was much harder now that I was once again being assaulted by a million sensory perceptions, not to mention thirsty.

"What did she say?" I finally replied lamely.

"Well, she said that she plans to visit us next week, and that she's missed you terribly." I knew he was editing but I didn't bother to acknowledge it. Instead my mind swirled with the repercussions of his statement.

Most of me was angry for the interference. I had made it clear to everyone that I wasn't ready for normal family interaction. Edward's presence was a necessity - for both of us - but my mind instantly cringed at the thought of more concern and forced conversation - more control over me.

Another small part of me was happy for the small change in routine a visitor would bring. Suddenly, a new thought occurred to me.

"Is anyone coming with her?"

Edward raised his head to stare at me when I asked my question. Before he had time to fully place his mask, I saw that his expression was slightly startled, as if he expected much more of a fight.

"I'm not sure love, she didn't specify. Is there someone you would like her to bring?"

I shrugged, not sure how he would react to my train of thought. I turned my gaze out over the side of the cliff, following individual birds as they darted and swirled through the treetops.

My mind was working feverishly, trying to choose the best way to say it. I knew that if I brought up his distaste for pleasing me he would deny it. I also knew that if I showed guilt for my needs he would only try to comfort me, all the while internally berating himself for our position.

But the task of hunting with him was becoming more trying every day. The humiliation of using him like a toy didn't subside as time passed, it only bloomed larger every time I saw the desolation flicker in his eyes as he pleased me.

When I glanced back up he was still looking at me intently, his eyes begging me to speak.

"Maybe she could bring Emmett or someone." Somehow it stung less to think of letting Emmett see the true nature of my beast, I assume because of his stories of failing at controlling his own desires. Emmett was also large and crass enough to oppose my inevitable advances, physically if need be.

Edward's eyes flashed with another wave of confusion, and his words caught in his throat as he tried to ask absently, "Do you miss talking with Emmett?" If I were still human, I may have missed all the subtle signs of his misery.

"I was thinking maybe I could hunt with Emmett. You know, give you a break." When I finished spitting out the words I steeled myself for the reaction. I waited for him to insist that he didn't mind hunting with me, or satisfying me after. I looked down at the rock and anticipated the false assurance I would hear in his voice, I prepared myself for the apology that would no doubt end the discussion.

When I didn't hear anything at all I chanced a glance at his form. His arms were drawn tightly around his legs and tension was pulsing from his rigid form. His head was down, touching his uplifted knees, and one compartment of my vampire brain returned to the hours after my change, when he had assumed much the same position on our bedroom floor. He didn't rock back and forth like he had then, and no sounds came from him, he didn't even breathe.

He finally lifted his gaze to meet mine, and I literally flinched at the venom in his stare. His jaw was set, his lips were pressed into a thin white line. His eyes burned me with their intensity, sending waves of rage at me that made me want to retreat into the trees.

"You're mine." he hissed through his teeth, all civility drained from his voice. I stared at him for several seconds but he wouldn't break our gaze, the strained and violent look continued to paralyze me.

Finally, I nodded.

That seemed to relieve some of the tension in his body, and he dropped his head back to his knees and sighed heavily.

Another thought fluttered into the forefront of my mind and without considering how he would react, I stated, "and _you_ are mine."

"Yes", he said simply, with no hesitation.

I continued to stare out over the cliff, the sun had set behind us and the light was softening, the sounds of the jungle were changing. I tried to enjoy the peace of our surroundings for a few moments, but my resolve didn't last long. Without a word, I raised up off the mossy rock and started to head towards the beach house, hoping to encounter some dinner on the way.

I didn't take long for him to follow.

**Edward Cullen - **

The anger boiling inside of me was mostly unwarranted, completely ineffective. It wouldn't change anything, it was too late to change things now.

Not that anything could have stopped Esme once she set her mind to something. I had always known that my adoptive mother was persistent, maybe even slightly controlling, and I had recently found out how powerful her anger could be.

But knowing that I couldn't stop her still didn't change the fact that I was absolutely furious at her for coming here. As if she could see something in Isabella that I could not, as if she could single-handedly lead my Beloved's soul back across the barrier between heaven and earth.

I absolutely could not allow myself any sort of hope of success. I knew that she was gone better than anyone, I had watched her depart from me and I had cared for her shell since she had vacated it. There was no trace of Bella in the scarlet eyes that burned in Isabella's face.

I had hoped that it would take longer to relocate our boat away from the dock, to give Esme the spot for her arrival. Now I could only slouch my shoulders and stomp back to the beach house. I must have looked like a spoilt child, but I couldn't even bring myself to care about that. All I could do was wallow in self-pity and irritation as I made my way back to the beach house where I would try, for the sixth time today, to ply Isabella into taking a shower.

The past week had been pure torture, not that I shouldn't have expected as much. For the first few days I had tried to force myself to treat Isabella and Bella as the same, but I knew pretty quickly that it was a lost cause. There was no way that I could bring myself to believe that it were true, and Isabella was far too perceptive to believe my outright lies. Instead I resigned myself to giving Esme a try when she got here, and I was secretly smug in my knowledge that eventually she would reach the same conclusions that I did. Isabella was here to stay.

It was also very hard for me to continue to be civil to Isabella, as everyday forced more distance between us. Ever since Esme's chastisement, I found it harder to wear my mask around her. I had not raised my voice at her since the day at the cliff, but she seemed to yell at me all the time now. She picked fights with me, she sneered at me, she even slapped me again.

We had been discussing Esme's arrival, which always seemed to set her off. When I had mentioned that Esme would be flying commercially to Rio and then renting a yacht from there, she had asked me how far of a trip it was to the city from Isle Esme.

"About a day, give or take", I answered absently.

"So you could make a quick trip there, if I asked you to?"

My mind reeled at what Isabella could possibly want from civilization, but I must admit that I was a little excited at the prospect of being able to please her, after so many trying days.

"I believe that could be arranged if you wanted. Is there something you require?"

She looked down at her hands and bit her lower lip, which did not bode well for me. Her hesitation at asking for this made me uneasy.

"Are there bloodbanks in Rio?"

Her question stabbed at me, my head suddenly felt heavy and it hung down to my chest. It was a question that I hadn't expected, and of course it was something that I could never grant her.

"Please don't ask this Isabella, you know I can't do it." I was sickened by the weakness in my voice.

"You _wont _do it", she bit back at me, anger bubbling in her voice.

"No, I wont." I stated, trying to inject patience into my tone while feeling nothing short of agony and fleeting frustration.

That was when she slapped me - hard.

I felt my mask slip to the side and rage boiled up inside me, threatening to spill over onto her. It was all I could do to force myself to stalk down the beach away from her. I hated myself in that moment for turning my true love into the creature glaring at me from the sand. I hated God even more than I had on the day that he had ended my life.

It was never any clearer to me that Bella was gone as it was then.

* * *

I pushed through the front door, immediately locating Isabella in the master bedroom near the end of the house. I noticed quickly that her smell was off, but with more sensory information analyzed I came to the conclusion that she was using some sort of fragrance in her room, and I briefly wondered why.

Even though my body rebelled against the idea, I forced myself to stride into Isabella's room. She was sitting in the middle of the bed but she wasn't holding either of the journals in her hands, simply inhaling deeply with her eyes closed and her palms turned upright in her lap.

The tranquility of her exterior gave me a small hope that she would consent to a shower now without much opposition. I cringed to think of what Esme would say in a few hours if Isabella didn't wash away the grime encrusted to her luminescent skin. She'd probably cry.

When she opened her eyes and glared at me, I knew that this wasn't going to be easy at all. My plan B was to seduce her into the bathtub, and even though the idea made my stomach twist into uncomfortable knots, I knew that I would do it if it meant her allowing me to wash her face.

When the smears of blood were gone and her eyes were closed, I could imagine for a fraction of a second that she was still my Beloved.

"You interrupted me Edward, I was in the middle of something very important." I wondered what important task she was completing by sitting in the middle of the bed with her eyes closed. Scents of fresh red apples and heady incense stung my nose, and I wondered what the burning candles had to do with any of it.

I didn't bother to ask and she didn't bother to tell me.

"I'm sorry to disturb you love but I must insist that you get cleaned up just a bit. Esme will be in a few hours and it will be very hard for her if you look like this."

Her shoulders flinched at my words and for a brief moment I felt guilty for my slight jab at her looks. Any pity I felt was replaced by familiar grief and irritation when she spat her next words at me.

"I don't understand your freaking insistence on acting like what you aren't, Edward. I'm not clean, and I'm not civil, and Esme is stupid if she expects any different."

I struggled to keep my mask in place as I swallowed her words, they tasted bitter and hot, like coffee. Even though I was still furious at her for imposing, Isabella's verbal slash against Esme still made my muscles tense into a offensive stance. I shook my head to clear it of the hazy rage gathering there and forced velvet back into my voice.

"Isabella, dear, I'm begging you to -"

"Fuck you Edward."

My eyes must have been as round as dinner plates as I gaped at her with my jaw slack. She met my gaze with malice and smugness in her eyes.

"Fine", I hissed through my clenched teeth, "smell like a rotting damn animal."

"I _am_ a fucking animal" she yelled back. I turned away from her, willing my legs to push me toward the door before I lost my control completely in front of her.

"We're all fucking animals Edward. Me, you and the rest of this god-forsaken family. And if you ask me it's Bella's own fucking fault if she got involved with monsters like us."

"Isabella", I began, any patience left being overshadowed by the pure rage blooming inside of me. "Don't talk about her." My tone implied a warning.

And then she sneered at me. _She sneered at me. _She smiled a small twisted grin and continued, leaning closer to me to freeze me with her icy tone.

"Bella Swan was a dumb bitch for ever getting involved with a rotting animal like you."

Everything went red and blurry, I could almost see my mask clatter to the floor. Far off, I heard someone say in my voice, "_shut the hell up_."

And then she lunged at me, sliding the mattress off the bed frame with the force of her movement. The mattress slid across the nightstand, clearing the top then slamming into the wall with a crash. I barely had time to brace myself before her full weight hit me. We fell loudly to the floor and then her clawlike hands were swinging at me.

Instead of accepting her blows, I saw myself reach up and grab her arms.

**Isabella Cullen - **

That he was attempting to restrain me only seemed to increase the power of my limbs. He was quick and skilled but I still managed to land glancing blows on his face and chest. I tried to wrap one of my hands in his hair to better control him and he reached up and slapped my hand away, not even flinching when the sound of my snapping finger surrounded us.

My monster didn't feel the pain, she was too lost in the fight.

How dare he interrupt me when I was trying so desperately to reacquaint myself with the tiny shreds of humanity left in me. Since I've read my journals from front to back several times now, I no longer experience the exciting rush of new memories like I did before. I'm terrified of the things that I _haven't_ remembered yet, things that I will surely soon forget for good.

I had hoped that the candles would remind me more of my parents, who were both still fuzzy in my mind. I had no idea if Charlie smelled like Washington apples in real life, or if the strong smell of incense that I associated with my mother was real or a glitch in my over stimulated mind. Regardless of the past, the smells reminded me of my parents now, and I hoped that enshrouding myself with the aromas in my room would break through some wall inside that led to clearer memories.

How dare he try to force me to take a shower. I was not his slave, I was not his child. It was not my responsibility to please his mother. As insane as I felt I still wanted to be in control of myself, I wanted to make my own decisions regarding my damnation.

Even more than that, how dare he defend Bella, after all she had gotten us into. After what she had condemned us to.

By the end of the fight I hadn't meant hardly any of what I said. I simply screamed at him all of the things that I thought may rile him further.

_Misery loves company_, some small repressed part of my brain quoted mindlessly.

I think that deep down I wanted to break him, I wanted him to say something that would allow me to feel justified in assaulting him. And I needed to assault him because, well...because I was just so damned angry all the time. At him, at the whole situation, even at the Bella Swan whom he adored so much.

The Bella Swan who had his heart, even though she was no longer around to claim it. It could still never belong to me.

I tried again and again to hit him, but he kept me from landing any detrimental blows through the quick movements of his arms. Finally I decided to try a different technique, and I raised myself up off him and stood.

When he raised his upper body to look for me I speared into him again, this time sending us through the glass that made up the east-facing side of our bedroom. I felt a thousand sharp tickles on my skin as we crashed into the sand outside, but none of that mattered.

Edward continued to restrain me, hissing ever so often when I landed a quick blow to his face. He never swung at me, but the pressure that he put on my limbs was enough to steal my breath away and make my body tense instinctively. He tried to roll on top of me but I righted myself almost immediately.

And so we continued to roll entwined down the sand, our bodies a blur of movement. We fought for what seemed like days, and with no party tiring it seemed like we may never stop.

But then the wind blew hard on our writhing bodies and we both stopped our movements abruptly. Something deep inside me, something even deeper ingrained in my being than the monster, alerted me to danger and I felt my body tense again, this time in preparance for flight.

Edward whipped his head up into the breeze and his nose twitched noticeably. My stomach twisted painfully as he explained the new terror running through me with one syllable.

"Fire"


	8. Chapter 8 Burning

_**A/N: No time for question answers this time. Also a little shorter than most of my stuff, but I just couldn't help myself. This chapter is simply begging to be posted. Let me know what you think about it, its definitely going to be a love-it-or-hate-it kind of thing**_**.**

**Burning**

**Edward Cullen -**

It seemed God wasn't satisfied yet, oh no.

Some small compartment in my mind wondered why humans put such faith in the judgement of this mysterious higher being. All that he would give most of them was regret and pain. All he had given me was a brief taste of happiness so I could truly appreciate defeat.

As soon as the smell of burning wood hit me, I mindlessly pushed my body away from its source, taking Isabella with me. Once we were far enough way to quell my survival instinct, I turned to survey the damage.

The east side of the house was shattered, Isabella and I's exit hole had been enough to catalyze the effect of the heat on the glass wall and it was now completely destroyed, sprinkled around outside like tiny crystals that glinted red against the flames. Our bedroom seemed to be totally engulfed, with my perfect vision I could see through the smoke into the room, where flames licked at the ceiling, devouring the furniture.

My mind flittered back to Esme's eminent arrival, and if I had any more room for guilt, I would have been plagued by it for the torching of Carlisle's anniversary gift. I tried to force myself to picture the way her face would crumble when she saw my latest mistake. Instead, I was distracted by the small, sad sound of Isabella's voice.

"My journals". It was a statement, a resignation that such an important part of her was lost.

_Oh, you miserable sadistic God, how I hate you. Will you never be satisfied?_

I couldn't even keep Bella's memories safe, I couldn't even be trusted with the care of two leather bound notebooks. For the one thousandth time, I apologized to my dead Bella.

_The ring._

My hands started beating at my pants pockets uselessly, my body jerked at the realization that it was in our bedroom as well. The box was still in the pocket of the pants that I had worn before my shower that morning. I had reasoned that I shouldn't hide it in the beach house as Isabella might come across it, and I had been no where near ready to discuss that particular piece of jewelry or deal with her reaction to it. For the most part I had been diligent in keeping it on my person at all times, but in the disheveled state that I had been in for the last few days, I had failed to transfer it after I washed my wildness away in preparence for Esme's arrival.

Even though it ripped me apart, my mind couldn't help but return to that blessed night in Forks when I had slipped that ring on Bella's tiny warm finger. I could almost taste the tears on her face as we had embraced, I could almost hear the pounding of her fragile heart. Looking further back, I saw my own human mother press the ring box into my warm, outstretched hand.

_One day son you'll find your own perfect fit, and you can put this on her hand as a welcoming gift from our whole family. This ring symbolizes all the love that this family is made from._

Waves of anguish crashed through me, they beat relentlessly on my crumbling mind and brought me to my knees. Another ten thousand memories crashed through my slumped body. Some were brief flashes of my mother, like my father lifting his weak head from the hospital bed to kiss her shaking hand. Some were of my newer family, and in my mind's eye I watched a hundred different smiles cross Carlisle's face as he enjoyed his wife and children.

Most of the memories were of my Beloved.

Everything that I had ever had was somehow tied to that band of gold, which was probably already warping in the heat of the flames.

Suddenly, some small switch seemed to flip inside of me, and I knew in that moment that I could not sit and watch this house fall down around all that I had left of her.

"You stay right here and wait for Esme." My voice sounded harsh and cold to my own ears but I couldn't worry about that now. I hoped that Isabella would stay on the beach, or at least on the Island, but I couldn't be bothered with that either. Without so much as a glance in Isabella's direction I stalked towards the burning house. My feet crunched into the glass surrounding it, and I hesitated only long enough to rip my clothes from my body before I walked into the hell in front of me.

I felt the heat envelope me, and it seemed to ally with the constant fire in my chest and set both my insides and outsides ablaze. I realized that I was still trying to breath and stilled my chest.

Inside everything was cloudy but impossibly bright. The curtains that spanned the length of the glass wall were in flaming tatters, and as I passed into the house, the long curtain rod finally collapsed behind me. The carpet and rugs were already burning, every stick of furniture in the room glowed and flickered.

I knew that I should have found the journals first, but there was little room in my head for logical thought anymore. Instead I began by flipping the bureau over, which had collapsed onto itself and laid sprawled before the open bathroom door. My hands looked like claws when they blurred out to dig through the laundry hamper, which was just beginning to smolder. It didn't take me long to find the familiar weight of the ring box in my grasp, and I tore the cube from the clothes that surrounded it.

I turned and staggered back out into the glowing bedroom and began to search for what I should have saved first - Isabella's memories. A few days ago I had walked into the room while she had been writing and she had quickly shoved her blue journal between the mattresses. I decided to start there.

Since Isabella had slung the mattress into the wall when she leapt at me, the top of the boxspring was bare. However, a quick sweep of the floor revealed a small black and red book swathed in the burning linens pooled at my feet. I reached into the flaming tangle of cloth and pulled the journal out, ignoring the crackling sound my skin made when it came too close to the flames. I gripped both treasures in one hand and began looking around frantically for the final piece of Bella's history.

The smoke was getting so bad that not even my eagle eyes could pierce completely through it. Even though I wasn't breathing anymore, the heat in the air seemed to smother and confuse me. If I hadn't removed my clothes before entering, there's no doubt that they would have already burst into flames from the sheer heat bombarding my body.

I looked futilely for the nightstand, and then remembered the crash that the mattress had made as it had slid over the top of it, upending the candles and lamp. My heart dropped to my feet at the sight of the mattress still pushed up against the wall, engulfed in hungry flames. With all of my speed and strength I hurled the flaming mattress through the other wall, revealing the charred remnants of the nightstand below it. Without hesitation I shoved my hand through the crackling top into the drawer inside and felt blindly for the notebook.

A great shrieking filled my ears and it seemed as if the very walls of the house groaned in pain. Then the roof collapsed.

I felt the scalding weight of the rubble on my legs, I thought I heard someone screech in pain and my lower half seemed to loose its strength almost instantly.

Not that I cared really. I continued to dig in the flaming pulp that used to be the nightstand. With a jolt I realized that if the journal was in the nightstand, it was charred beyond recognition now. I let my head fall to the floor and before I threw my head back to scream again I saw it.

Under the bedframe, lying on a burning piece of carpet was Bella's blue journal, being eaten by a hundred tiny flames. I stared at it for a few seconds, at a loss for what else there was to do.

My mind suddenly returned to the pressure on my legs, and when I inhaled sharply in surprise the cloying smell of my burning flesh was undeniable.

I should have tried to kick off the flaming rubble on my legs, I should have tried to crawl out of the blackening house, into the bright sunlight of the beach. I should have never ventured into a burning house in the first place, I should have stayed with Isabella.

The dull, burning weight on my legs was nothing compared to the electric, searing pain in my heart. The hole in my chest felt ragged and poisonous, it was both unbearable and inescapeable. I felt the last year of my life pressing down on me, in to me. I closed my eyes and my head lowled to the side, resting against the planks of the floor, which were sizzling like a griddle. My mind flickered, trying to comprehend the pain.

The overwhelming need that had surged in me the first time her scent blew across my face seemed like it was more than I could take. Seeing her broken body sprawled across that bloody floor, or watching James taunt her with me on the video had surely seemed - at the time - like the single worst moments of my life. And then I changed her and learned about a whole new level of pain. All of those were pinpricks to the agony of fighting through every day with her hollowed-out shell, knowing that even after all of it I could not stop failing her.

It seemed easy just to lay on the sizzling floor and concentrate on the hot pressure against my legs, in comparison to what I'd been through the pain was almost nothing. Thoughts of what my family would say only made me tense for moment, and then I relaxed when I reasoned that if they _truly_ loved me, they'd want me to be free of all this.

I'd burned my Bella, and it only seemed fitting that I follow after her, like I had followed her everywhere else.

_Oh my Bella, I'm sorry. Let me finally come to you._

**Isabella Cullen - **

I paced frantically in the shallow waves of the ocean. The horrible smell of the smoke made me want to bolt, but Edward's presence in the house tethered me here.

I'd gone too far this time, even in my newborn panic I knew it. I also knew that Esme was coming, but any shame I felt about the scene she'd find was overshadowed by my fear of the situation. For the first time since my new life started, I craved guidance.

Part of me wanted to go in after him, and even that part was still debating on what to do to him once I pulled him out of there. Part of me wanted to go help him search for Bella's journals. Part of me still wanted to swim away from the stinging smoke and wretched smells that it made.

And as sick and utterly twisted as it was, some part of me was still only concerned about the animals I could smell in the forest, which were running deeper into the woods away from the flames.

I could hear Edward moving around inside of the burning house, but even still I was startled at the huge crash that seemed to shake the entire frame of the building. Somehow his energy seemed to fuel the fire and it's light pulsed even brighter out of the east side of the structure. My whole body twitched and I was struck by the overwhelming urge to bolt into the house.

Suddenly everything seemed unnaturally quiet, all that I could hear was the very faint rustle of the last of the wildlife fleeing and the crackle of the flames. Almost as if on cue, the entire house seemed to utter a moan and sank slightly into itself, looking broken and defeated. At the end of the groan there was a shrill yelp like nothing I'd ever heard before.

Through the acidic smell of the smoke my senses identified something different, something almost pleasant, almost sweet. The smell triggered an unclear scene to flash into my head.

_A clearing surrounded by green tall trees, the Cullen's spread around the patch of grass, the offensive smell of wet dog hanging in the air, laced with something very ripe and sweet. Purple-grey smoke rising into the cloudy sky. Embers. Pyres._

Realization struck me like lightning and I threw myself into the house.

The heat scalded me instantly and I instinctively recoiled. I took another precious second to take a deep, although disgusting, breath and tried to steel myself for the task at hand. Then I pushed my way past the collapsed ceiling ahead of me and further into the burning room. The house protested loudly at my agressive intrusion and more debris fell from the burning roof.

Even with the black air, it didn't take long to spot him. The bottom half of his legs were pinned beneath a large section of rubble but it shouldn't have been enough to truly hold him down. His eyes were closed, and his face looked absurdly peaceful. My cursed brain, which is clever and never lets me miss anything, dulely noted that he was content to die here.

Something inside me snapped and a sound somewhere between a choke and a scream peeled out of me. The destroyed creature that lied in front of me was my doing and I had never felt more guilty or desolate as I did then.

I didn't even bother to remove the debris from his legs, I simply lifted him up by his arms and launched his limp form as far away from the flames as I could. The smoke blocked my view but as soon as I heard his body hit the sand outside, I followed after him. He still didn't seem conscious, his naked form was turned away from me and by the way that his arms were splayed I assumed that he hadn't moved since his landing. His entire body was black, the bottoms of his legs looked charred and split. His matted hair was smoldering.

I tried to scream, but I couldn't, so instead I ran for him and tried to be as gentle as I could as I rolled him onto his back. His face was still tranquil.

I ran my hands gently down his mangled legs. They felt dry and hard in my hands, still impossibly hot. They were ashy and black, like the remnants of logs after the campfire has been extinguished. The guilt that I had felt in the house crashed back into me as I surveyed what I had done to my Reason.

"Is this real?"

The sound of his velvet voice brought my gaze back up to his face. He was staring up at the bright blue sky above us, marred by the string of smoke that rose from the beach house.

"Am I dead?"

I couldn't help the sob that wracked through me as I realized that his voice sounded hopeful. At my noise he turned his head to look at me, and then his head fell back down onto the sand, seemingly in defeat. I turned my own gaze back down to his legs.

"You came after me?"

I realized that I must be as soot-covered as he was. My mind reeled with something to say, anything to say.

"I'm sorry, oh God I'm so sorry Edward!" I began gushing, the words tumbling out of my mouth so fast I could barely keep up. "I don't know how it all happened but I'm sorry for all of it, oh God, I wish I could fix it, I'm so sorry I did this to you. Please don't leave me Edward, please don't die."

The more I babbled the more out of control I felt. Somewhere close to the beginning of my speech I had placed a cautious hand high on Edward's leg and now I felt myself gripping it with too much force. When I stopped my plea to suck in more air Edward raised himself up on his forearms and gazed at me with confusion, a sleepy look still on his face.

"I know that I don't deserve you and that I don't make you happy anymore but I need you more than anything", I continued quickly. Emotion boiled up strong within me as I replayed the last few moments in my head, as I realized how close I'd really came to losing Edward forever. It killed me to think of being without him, and it made the pain even worse that he would rather take a chance on oblivion than continue to exist with me. I didn't blame him of course, it only made me more ashamed. I reached up and placed my hands on his blackened arms, needing him to understand.

"I'm sorry for all of it, Edward, all of it. I'm sorry for fighting with you all the time and making you have sex with me. I'm sorry for being saying terrible things and not thinking of how hard this has been for you. I'm sorry for grabbing you like I did that night, I'm sorry for always pushing you. I don't deserve you but I _need_ you Edward, please understand, you are the only thing that I need."

I finally had to stop and lower my gaze again, I couldn't handle the bewildered look he was giving me, like he couldn't understand the language that I was speaking. There was no anger on his face, but there was also no acceptance, just some strange look that tugged at some buried memory in my mind. I dropped my hands from his shoulders.

Finally he took a small breath and I steeled myself for whatever may come. His voice came out softly - questioningly.

"Bella?"

**Edward Cullen -**

_Stop it just stop it you know it will only be worse if you hope, it will only be harder to bear_

But I couldn't help thinking it. I couldn't help that my body was so tense right now that I couldn't expand my chest to breathe. I couldn't help that her words had lit another fire inside of me, but one that was turned low and smoldering with potential.

Her eyes turned down, and I was partly thankful. There was no way I was going to be able to say anything - to do anything - while she was staring at me like that. Her eyes were like nothing I'd ever seen before; still red of course, and panicked and pleading just like her words. But they were also wide and deep and almost _familiar_ to me. I could plainly see the desperation there, begging to be believed. Her words were amazing but it was her _eyes _that held me entranced, that called to me and confused me.

It was beautiful and devastating and new and ancient and heartbreaking and uplifting. It was everything.

It was human, and I knew her.

I took the smallest breath that I could, afraid to break the tension of this moment, terrified that when she looked back up at me, I wouldn't be able to see it anymore.

Some part of me screamed to shut up, to wait, to think. I willed myself to not believe this, I knew that I could not survive this one more thing. Still I couldn't stop myself.

"Bella?"

She looked up at me with her scarlet eyes and the world stopped turning. I stared into her as hard as I could, I used my sharp eyes to pierce her deep pools and I went down for miles and miles and there she was.

She didn't have to answer me, I knew.

I jerked her body to mine with such force that our heads cracked together and I heard our teeth rattle. She didn't seem to mind because she wrapped her slender arms around me and pulled me into her with a strength that only comes with absolute desperation. I couldn't help but bury both of my blackened hands into the hair at the back of her neck, collapsing myself into her embrace and pushing my face into her shoulder. Her hair still smelled like blood and dirt and ashes but I pushed myself to go underneath all of that and finally found a trace of strawberries. I think I tried to laugh, but all I could do was utter choked sobs.

She cried, but it was the most beautiful sound that my long-dead heart has ever heard. Her sounds were pained but relieved and full of pent-up emotion, it was a release. It poured out onto me and I was overcome by how familiar and _right_ it felt.

We stayed like that for hours, both sitting in the sand and clinging to each other like shipwrecked lovers. I was a little afraid of what would await us after this moment lifted, and I'm sure that the same thoughts were churning in her head as well. For the time I pushed all of that away and we simply clutched at each other and existed only for one another, only for this moment, an island on an island.

I didn't even notice that Esme had arrived until I heard her picking through the remnants of the beach house, hopping in and out of the wreckage to survey the damage. While I knew that I owed her an explanation, I was eternally grateful that she didn't ask questions just now. A mother as perfect as mine knows just what to say to best nurture and teach each of her children. She knew that there was nothing in the world I needed more than to clutch my Bella against me.

The sun went down and we still hadn't spoken, although we had lied down on our sides and put enough distance between us to be able to look at one another's faces. As our bodies came down from the high of the fire, the panic was washed from her expressive red eyes and was replaced by the hint of a smile.

I was utterly intoxicated by it.

Her neck muscles moved as she swallowed, and the simple action reminded me that this moment couldn't possibly last forever. She was still a newborn, she would still need to hunt. The chime-like sound of her voice brought me back to her.

"Your legs", she sounded so miserable. _Oh my Bella, please don't be sad_

I hadn't really thought of my legs, and now that I did I noticed that they seemed uncomfortably hot and stiff. I pushed the observation away and focused on bringing the smile back to my Beloved's face. After all I didn't know how long I would have her.

"Don't worry love, I'm sure Carlisle will be here soon. Everything will be fine now." _Everything will be fine _

I continued to croon to her for another few minutes, trying to ease the tension that had returned to her limbs. She swallowed again and I knew that I had to take her to hunt soon. I selfishly wanted to keep her here forever like this, but I couldn't let her thirst cause her pain.

"I love you Bella, do you hear me? I'll love you for the rest of eternity if you'll let me. I know that we can't stay like this forever, but I want you to know that I need you like this Bella."

She put her tiny warm hands on my face and kissed me on my parted lips, she felt feather-soft. "I love you Edward." She sighed then continued, "I'm scared I wont be able to find my way back to you again. Everything is so different now."

She absently rubbed at her throat and I realized that she was already in pain, but was trying to extend this moment as long as she could. She was just as scared as I. But I was weak no more, not when I had Bella to inspire me, to guide me.

"I will find you Bella. I will always find you." I kissed her once softly, then again with a little more substance, as if to prove my determination to somehow bring her back to me.

I tried to push myself to stand, and a white-hot jolt of pain ran through my legs. For the first time I actually surveyed my injuries, and I couldn't help but gasp when I touched my shin bone. When I made the sound my eyes darted back to Bella's face, and sure enough she was staring at my legs with shame written all over her stunning features.

"It was worth it love." _That_ was no lie.

I stood up although it took much effort and it was obvious to both of us that walking would be nearly impossible for me. I felt almost human as I shifted my weight from side to side, trying to accommodate the hot ache that pulsed in my shins. Without another word Bella walked to my side and wrapped her slender yet powerful arm around me, supporting my weight and making me sigh in relief.

I threw my arms around her shoulders and showered kisses in her hair, and we stood like that for a moment longer. I pulled my lips from her mane and whispered into it's dirty tangles, "Maybe you should do the hunting, and I can just cheer from the sidelines."

She nodded her head into my chest and pulled out of my hug, leaving my still-blackened arm slung across her shoulders. We must have been quite the sight as we limped back towards the jungle.


	9. Chapter 9 Roots

**Roots**

**Edward Cullen -**

Her steps became more hurried as we hobbled further into the trees. Her widened eyes began to dart towards the canopy where monkeys were fleeing away from our pursuit, her face constantly turned toward the wind. Her frame was stiff again, her movements held more grace, but also more power, more agression. She was lost again, and immediately I felt the absence of her.

_Stop it. _I tried to tell myself, _you have to be optimistic for her, especially now_. I knew that it was probably wise to break this silence that had overtaken her in the past few moments but I wasn't yet ready to look into her face and not see my Beloved there.

_She can't see your doubt. Bella is in there, and you have to call her to you. _My internal lecture stopped once she began slowing, steering us towards a cluster of roots jutting up around a thick, gnarly tree. Still without looking upon my face, Bella dropped me down roughly with my back against the bark and sprinted off further into the jungle.

I tilted my head back and lost myself in the pulsing ache of my legs, the pain had amplified during our walk and made me feel slightly nauseous. I tried to think of any stories that Carlisle might have told me about burns on my kind, but came up empty handed. I thought of never running again and a hot stone formed in my stomach and jumped up into my throat. I pushed all of the feelings back down when I smelled Bella running back to me.

I couldn't help but look at her face this time and I did a rather impressive job of keeping my expression kind and serene. In reality I wanted to cry, I wanted to pull the goddess in front of me back down into my arms and beg her to give me my Beloved back. I'd give anything. I'd do anything.

Isabella was carrying a large mountain goat by its horns, and she dropped it on the ground with a little too much force. She stared at me expectantly.

"You can feed love, I'll be fine for now." It was my hope, but I didn't know if it was truth. I had no idea what this wound meant for me.

"The blood may help you heal."

I had no way of knowing if she were right and no way to dispute her. I decided that it would be easier to drain the animal than to argue, I didn't think I could stop any kind of attack. I pulled the animal the rest of the way onto my lap and bit into its neck. The blood was salve on my endlessly burning throat but it didn't seem to affect the aching in my legs.

By the time I finished draining the animal she was gone again, so I slanted my head back again against the rough bark and closed my eyes, pinching the bridge of my nose between two blackened fingers. I reached out for Esme's thoughts and found her, cleaning the soot off of her feet on the edge of the bleached dock, humming some sailor song that she always played in her mind when she thought I was unhappy. Another voice drifted towards me from far off, and I finally recognized it as my father's, still a few miles away from the Isle. Through his mind's eye I saw only wisps of blue, green and white. He must be swimming here. I must be badly hurt.

I wont deny that I was scared, but I couldn't bring myself to regret the fire burning into my shinbones. If anything, the ache was a reminder of what had just happened to me, what had happened to Bella and I.

I hadn't really lost her, she had simply been overcome by the monster, buried so deep that I had not seen any trace of her until it had almost been too late.

Usually I tried not to think about my own change, the only exception being in the last few months of Bella's human life. The memory of my own pain had been my consciousness's last weapon against my selfish want to bite Bella and keep her for myself. I had forced myself to relive my own change almost every day after my family had agreed with her, to remind myself why I couldn't give in to them all.

I thought back upon my own change now - not the three days of hell which had marked it's beginning, but the black-grey months that had followed. I thought back to the small dirty hut that Carlisle had kept me in, for my safety as well as everyone else's. The monster had been so strong back then, so demanding, that nothing else existed but thirst, those drafty wooden walls and the panicked thoughts of the doctor, which he seemed to scream at me almost day and night.

Isabella had survived all of that, maybe even more. She had done it in her own way but we all have our own defense mechanisms to deal with our own situations, to help us survive with our sanity intact. Bella had hidden away, even from me, probably even without making any sort of conscious decision to do so.

She had hidden from me, but she did not leave me.

Even with the ache in my shins that was creeping up into my thighs, I smiled at that.

**Isabella Cullen - **

Even though I was stuffed, I still killed. I gorged myself long after I felt satisfied, I poured as much hot muddy blood into my body as I could. A gag rose in my throat but I forced it down along with the blood of a small parrot that had flitted into my reach.

Maybe if I could quell this constant need, I would be able to find that other piece of me again, the one that Edward called Bella. I didn't know how she came about and I didn't know when she arrived or precisely when she left but I did know that Edward said he needed her, and that I loved the way that he had held me.

I certainly wouldn't find her while my monster was consuming me. Feeding was the first step to quieting her, but I couldn't silence her, not for long. She controlled me, she ruled me. I was a slave to her thirst, her lust.

I knew well what came next, after the feeding. I knew what would come when I walked upon his scent again, the one that promised protection and satisfaction. That tempted me. His body would be broken and dirty but still absolutely mouthwatering and I would ache for the fulfillment that only he could offer me.

I'd taken him a ram before I'd really started my hunt, having only drained its mate before forcing myself to take him his own meal. Maybe if my mind was still distracted by the brush fire in my throat, I would be able to leave him alone. My plan had worked, but only barely.

I wouldn't take him. I knew that he would be expecting it as well and would likely give in to me without objection, even with his charred legs. But in these strangely clear moments when the blood of my kill was still coating my throat, my own legs moving like water through the trees, I wished for nothing more than the self control that it would take to leave him be, to help heal him instead of harm him.

I ran through a small clearing and caught something familiar floating towards me on the breeze. Edward was still behind me, I almost unconsciously kept tabs of his location now even when my predator moved me through the ferns. This new smell was similar, but more musky. Carlisle. On the same side of the island as Esme, nearly full two miles from where I was standing.

I stopped dead in my tracks, sliding a few inches in the mud of the forest floor and ripping palm fronds with my hands. My mind panicked, suddenly sure that he would be furious with me. Of course he had every right to be, I'd driven his son into madness and nearly ended his life.

I wanted to run away, I wanted to hide underneath the waterfall that had become my refuge rather than face Edward's parents after what I had done. For the past four months their lives had centered around keeping me safe and trying to make me happy. I'd threw it all in their faces.

The evidence of my selfishness was still smoldering on the beach. It was leaning against a tree root in the heart of the jungle.

I was afraid to face Edward's parents because of the guilt, I was terrified to go back to Edward and risk letting the monster use him again. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide, to hunt, I wanted to kill.

I crouched down in the forest and put my hands over my face, breathing in the scents of ash and blood that were fragrant there. I could also smell Edward's scent clinging to my fingertips, traces left from our embrace after the fire, when he had told me that I was his Bella.

I grasped the strength that memory gave me and straightened myself back again, launching myself with purpose back toward my Reason. When I came back upon him he was looking at me with his head against the tree root, his scorched legs sprawled out in front of him. He was still nude, and my monster's reaction to him was immediate.

I growled low in my chest slowed my steps toward him. If I came any closer I'd lose myself completely to her, she'd take what she wanted from him regardless.

"Bella?" Edward questioned. I cringed at his use of that name, I wasn't anything like Bella in that moment. "Love, come over here to me, everything will be fine."

How could he console me while he lie here mutilated in the forest? How could he love me?

I knew that I couldn't go closer.

"Your father is here." I meant for it to sound like a reassurance, but instead the tension in my body belied me and my tone sounded curt.

"I know", he said simply.

"I'm sure he's on his way to find you now", I stalled, looking down toward the ground and biting my lip. I stopped breathing, hoping that I could control myself in that moment if I didn't have to smell his aroma, which called to my monster like a siren. "I'm not sure how I'll face him, after what I've done."

"None of that matters love, no one blames you." His voice sounded like granite and silk and my monster purred and licked her lips. I shook my head, angry at myself for my lack of focus.

"It doesn't matter if they blame me Edward, because I know who's fault it is. But I don't want to argue right now, I just want you to feel better. I think it would easier if I left for his examination. I'd like to speak with Esme and Carlisle, but I need to concentrate for a while on what I'm going to say. I'd also like to clean up a bit."

He looked down at my nearly nude form, my pajamas that I'd worn for a week prior to the fire were almost completely shredded and black with ashes. Just his gaze on my body nearly cost me the entire battle, my predator reached for him with so much hunger that I almost lost my grasp on her.

"Of course you may do whatever you feel is best, my dear. Please don't stay gone too long." He was trying to be encouraging but I could see the pain in his eyes. I had a lot of experience in seeing through his mask by now, I often wondered why he even tried anymore. What he thought he still had to hide from me.

"I wont be gone for long and I'll stay close." I tried to say soothingly. While my voice still sounded angry, I was proud of my ability to keep my eyes away from his body, and for allowing myself a single shallow breath of his ambrosia.

I could now hear Carlisle's quick gate in the forest behind us, following our trail to the gnarly tree where Edward was sprawled. My monster still had equal desires to flee and ravage Edward, but I willed myself to hold on for a few more seconds.

"I'm so sorry Edward," I said with the small bit of air that I had been able to inhale.

I turned quickly after that but I heard his reply anyway of course, his voice was husky and it wavered as he said that he loved me.

I knew that if I turned around and saw him looking up at me with his honey colored eyes my monster would break free, and I had no air left in my dead lungs to answer him. I could only walk away and I hated myself for it.

**Edward Cullen -**

My father burst into the clearing mere seconds after Bella had left. I had heard his thoughts clearly since he had climbed up onto the dock and they were jumbled and frightened. Apparently Alice had seen the fire and he had left Rio immediately after, swimming ahead and leaving the others to formulate a plan and ready a boat.

When he saw me his eyes grew huge and his mind went blank for a moment, I felt worse for him in that moment than I did about my charred legs. Seeing myself in his eyes made me understand the severity of my injury and the hot stone in my stomach jumped again.

"Dear God Edward, what happened?" His voice was a whisper. He kneeled down beside me and barely ghosted his hand down my left shin. I couldn't help but hiss.

"Have you seen this before?" I asked, not even bothering to answer his question.

"No, but I've heard stories from Aro, this was briefly used as a punishment in the 1500's." His mind automatically flashed back to Aro's distant smile as he'd told Carlisle of using the method on vampires who threatened his guards. The memory dissipated when Carlisle realized the direction his thoughts were going and instead spoke directly to me in his mind. _You'll be fine eventually son, I'm so glad that nothing was severed. _I didn't want to think of the implications of the latter part of his statement.

"It will take time, and patience Edward, but you will heal."

"How much time?"

"Years." He said simply.

What reply was there to that? I stared down at my blackened legs and contemplated being unable to walk on my own. For a split second I became angry but then I took a ragged breath and caught the scent of Esme approaching.

Carlisle stood up and turned in the direction that his wife would emerge from. All pain was gone from his face now, he features were unlined and patient.

Esme stepped out of the trees and made her way to me quickly, throwing both hands around my neck and pulling me into her chest securely. In her arms my mask fell away completely and I sobbed loudly into her. After a few minutes of being lost in her embrace, I remembered myself and pulled away, apologies bubbling out of my mouth. She simply pulled me back into her chest and ran her hands in soothing circles on the back of my head. In her mind she still hummed the same sailor song, and slowly I relaxed into her and stopped babbling, content to breathe in her familiar smell and let the sounds of her internal humming lull me into a normal breathing pattern. After selfishly enjoying her comfort for a few more moments, I finally took in a deep jagged breath and spoke softly into her caramel hair.

"I'm so sorry, Esme. I'm sorry for the beach house but mostly I'm sorry for not believing in my family."

_There will be plenty of time to discuss that later, my son. For now let me just be happy that I have both of my children back. I've missed you so much Edward._

I sighed heavily in response to her thoughts, my breath still hitching in a suprisingly human gesture. I loosened myself from Esme's grasp enough to settle my weight against the tree root once again. My legs were still splayed out in front of me and pulsed with heat and a throbbing pain. Under the black ash of the fire I was still nude, and until now it hadn't even occurred to me to be embarrassed. Like Bella, I had grown wild these past few months on the Isle.

Carlisle bent back down beside me, surveying my legs with a clinical eye. Esme said to him absently, "There are some basic first aid supplies on my boat, do you want me to fetch them?"

He made eye contact with her as he nodded, the ends of his mouth curved up into a kind but sad smile. She patted my arm one more time and smiled, then disappeared into the jungle like a wood nymph.

_Where's Bella? _My father asked me, still staring down at my shins, but thankfully not trying to touch them anymore. I figured that would change when Esme returned with supplies.

Since he wasn't looking at me I leaned my head back and closed my eyes again. "She went to clean off, she said she wanted to think before she spoke to you and mother."

I knew that he knew that she wasn't far, he could smell her as well as I could. He nodded his head in reply then began to carefully pick the larger of the twigs and leaves off of my split shins. I winced but kept my head leaned against the treeroot, balling my hands into fists to keep from lashing out.

_Esme tells me that you two have made remarkable progress in these past few hours. I'm very happy to hear that._

He was relieved too. Even though he tried to hide it from me I could see how worried he'd been about what he'd find when he arrived.

"I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused, father. I can't believe the way I've handled the past few months, I'm honestly ashamed. I don't know how I could have given up on her like I did."

Carlisle sighed, and allowed a memory to play through his mind. I remembered the particular scene well myself, both from my own point of view and Carlisle's; it was burned into my mind like everything else I had witnessed since my change.

_I was on the floor of the cabin, writhing around wildly and pulling at my dirty hair. I was screaming loudly, the decibel was much too high for the humans outside to hear, but the sound was piercing and maddening in Carlisle's mind. Most of my cries were wordless, but every few minutes I would manage to rasp out "Kill them, please kill them . . . let me kill them". _

_From his vantage point above me Carlisle watched all of this while standing in between me and the door, between me and the prey outside. A research expedition had hiked well into the mountains and came within scent range of the cabin. Now they were achingly close, less than 500 yards, and if I could make it past the creature in front of me I could taste their lifeblood on my tongue in less than ten seconds._

_If their scent had been the only crisis we faced, I may have been able to control myself, even in my newborn state. Carlisle had taught me to hold my breath when my senses became too overwhelming. Besides, even then I didn't want to be a monster. No, the scents may have been manageable but there was one sense that I could not shut off, there was one part of me that I still had no control over. _

_Their internal voices literally screamed out at me, blending with the torture of Carlisle's near constant barrage and overpowering me. Like explosions their ideas and images decimated my mind - my sanity - with their sheer power. I tried to scream for relief, I tried to beg for help but the dozens of shrilling voices around me made it impossible to focus on being coherent. _

_I gulped down large lungfuls of air and tried to make my vocal chords vibrate as I expelled it. The scent of human blood was thick in the air of the cabin but I barely noticed it while my brain was being shattered by the mental overload. None of my other senses mattered, all that mattered was the pain in my head and my ability to feel it in new and intense ways. In that moment, I would have done anything, killed anything or anyone to be able to shut the agony out. I had tried to run towards the source of my torture a few times, but the good doctor always returned my body to the floor of the cabin, and I was too distracted and panicked to put up much of a fight._

_Finally the voices seemed to move away from us, and the pain in my mind subsided incrementally. My head still throbbed with pressure but the small amount of relief allowed me to stop the manic screams that were pouring from my lips. I began to gasp and wimper as I endured the last of this hell, willing the humans in the forest to quicken their pace away from me._

_Eventually I was able to halfway focus on the one voice that was not moving away from me, a voice that I had grown slightly accustomed to but which still grated on my mind like some type of infuriating, braying animal. It took my battered brain a few more minutes to realize that he was contemplating killing me._

_I listened with morbid coriousity as he pondered the most humane way to go about it, but his thoughts kept returning to the biggest issue - he wasn't sure if he could even bring himself to commit the act. The last few hours had nearly convinced him that it was the right thing to do. He was feeling guilty for biting me, but that remorse was always in him. However the idea to put me out of my misery, so to speak, was new. He wondered if there was something different about me as a human that allowed me to hear thoughts as a vampire, whether I was capable of adapting to it. He was terrified that my curse was somehow a consequence of the way that he changed me. He was also suddenly terrified that very soon, I would simply crack - lose my mind - and he wouldn't be able to control me._

_The thoughts of the humans faded with every second until their voices were only a faint rumbling in the back of my head, like gushing water. With a start I realized that this moment of doubt in the good doctor may be my only chance at release._

_"Please", I rasped, my voice course and broken. The sound of my plea jerked him out of his thoughts and he realized with shame that I had been listening._

_"Please, Carlisle, kill me." I breathed deeply a few times, willing my voice to be steady. "I can't take this anymore, it's not right. It's not fair." My words cracked._

_We stared at each other for several moments, he mind wavering between what was ethical and what was truly right. No matter where his logic took him he always returned to the same place - he didn't think he was capable of taking my soul._

_I saw his resolve slowly reforming and I tried desperately to think of something to break his spirit. My window was closing quickly but one more defeated "please" was all that I could say to him._

_"I'm sorry Edward", his voice was soft and as defeated as my own. He made up his mind with finality and I knew that he wouldn't release me. Not because he thought that it was better to let me live, but because he knew that he did not have it in him to end my existence. _

_Good doctor indeed._

_He sighed deeply one more time and walked heavily to the kitchen, leaving me alone in the living room with the familiar but decimating pain, my mind still pounding with the force of my own screaming thoughts as well as his own. _

The scene before my eyes retreated like smoke and when I opened my eyes again Carlisle was still squatting down beside me, looking at me with wise but pained eyes.

"We all have doubts, Edward. No one expected you to take this well."

He was right, as always. Being able to see everyone's darkest secrets in the glaring light of day allowed me to understand better than most that lapses in faith were common in us all.

"I don't even know where to go from here, father." Carlisle nodded his head patiently, but didn't bother to answer me.

"How do I make up for the things that I've done?"

"I can tell you this son, I don't think that further punishment would be beneficial for either of you." Now it was my turn to nod.

Seconds later Esme appeared at Carlisle's side, and in his mind he admired her grace and the stunning beauty of her wind-swept hair. In one hand my mother held a small white box, which she passed into Carlisle's extended hand as soon as she was close enough. In the other hand she clutched a wad of white fabric, and answered my questioning eyes with her thoughts.

_They're women's sleep pants, but under the circumstances I think they will suffice. There's also a long dress for Bella, if she cares to use it._

For the next hour or so I concentrated on not ripping my own hair out by digging my hands deep into the soil around me and snapping the roots buried there like pieces of yarn. As Carlisle washed my wounds with water from a nearby stream I hissed and the muscles in my body contracted on their own accord. When Esme began to wrap my shins in gauze I nearly lost it, biting back my screams by imagining Bella enjoying her bath time in the pool. If I screamed she would come running.

When they were done my lower legs were wrapped tightly in ACE bandages, cushioned by obscene amounts of the cotton gauze. The ache was once again isolated to below my knees, but the heat radiating from the wounds was still obvious even through the padding.

"We'll fashion you some crutches until we can buy something better from the mainland. However, you should probably give the pain a few days to subside before you try to put any weight on them. There's really not much else we can do." Carlisle rubbed my shoulder with his strong hand and I tried to will the tension out of my body.

"So...years?" I asked with a hint of humor. I needed to know specifics of how long I'd be like this, unable to care for my Bella. The black irony was not lost on me.

Carlisle sighed softly and Esme laid her delicate hand on my other arm, offering comfort to me.

"Yes, I would say it will be about a year before you can walk completely under your own power. You'll have a limp for a long while, maybe several years. I would say that I'd expect to wait up to five years for your full speed to return."

I nodded somberly. The diagnosis hurt but I knew that it could be much worse. Besides, I didn't need a perfect gait and lightning speed to be there for Bella. I just needed to be able to keep up.

"Would you like me to help you into these pants dear?" Esme voice was warm and loving, but I was still embarrassed by my situation so I only nodded, not trusting my own voice.

She stood up and retrieved the pants from where she had laid them, folded, on a close by tree root. As she brought them to me I looked up at Carlisle who was watching her, as usual, with utter fascination.

The sun would rise soon, and I was surprised that Bella hadn't returned yet. She was still in the pool, or close to it, and her strawberry ambrosia sweetened the tropical air around me. I imagined that she was under the waterfall, trying to escape it all. Trying to find herself.

I missed her.

"Father, could you take me to Bella?"

**Isabella Cullen - **

I didn't come up often, but on my forth or fifth ascension to the surface I saw him, throwing rainbows in the light of the sunrise. He was watching me intently, but I avoided his eyes and plunged back down into the muffling water.

Hiding seemed silly, and I knew that it was futile. I reminded myself not to breathe in his scent and pushed my head above the surface, swimming towards the shore where Edward was sprawled on the rocks.

"You looked breathtaking out there, with the water running down your face."

His words startled me, not at all what I had expected. Honestly, I almost assumed that he would apologize to me for some reason, as he does almost constantly now. I almost took in a breath to answer his compliment but I thought better of it and snapped my jaw closed. The action didn't seem to faze him, and he simply gazed at me with a crooked smile that I remembered from my human days.

With the small amount of air in my system I managed to whisper, "I would have came back to you." I had spent the entire time in the water scrubbing my body and hair with the fine sand from the bottom of the pool, scraping the grime off of me. Still I felt unclean, but this was the best I could do under the circumstances, the closest working shower being miles away now.

Edward just kept staring at me, moving his honey eyes up and down my nearly nude form, smiling a secretive but innocent grin. The way that his eyes roamed but body made my monster purr in satisfaction, it made her hungry and possessive of him.

Finally Edward spoke. "I know love, but I missed you." He was trying to sound confident, but under his silky bravado I could detect hesitance. When I did not speak or move he added softly, "Bella, I love you."

The sound of that name on his tongue made me wince. I knew that I'd have to speak to him eventually so I tried pulling in a breath of air through only my mouth. I hadn't expected the scent of Edward to be so flavorful in the air around me and his ambrosia coated my tongue and throat as I pulled it in. It made me dizzy and confused and for a moment I felt drunk. Tasting his pheromones in the air wasn't enough to sate me for long, I suddenly needed more of him, I needed to be closer to him. My monster reached for him with longing and barely concealed possessiveness and I took several steps toward him, making a feral humming sound in my throat.

"Bella", Edward sighed, lifting his arms toward me. Once again the name grated on my conscious, making me angry but halting my progress toward him. I wanted to speak, to tell him to stop using the name of his Beloved to call this beast towards him. I couldn't force the words to come, they were stuck behind the growl still rolling out of my chest.

"I know what you need, love. Come over to me and I'll calm your predator. Let her have me." His silken voice stunned me, his words caused my predator to crouch. But I didn't give in, I wouldn't let this monster ravage him. Still unable to speak or breathe, I shook my head violently.

"Let me soothe you, Bella", the sound of his voice sent thousands of pinpricks dancing down my spine, it made my bones feel fluid and my monster purr. I shook my head savagely again, trying to stay in control. I took another step back, no longer letting myself look upon the beautiful creature in front of me, offering himself to me. My eyes fell upon his charred and split legs and the sight gave me the strength to turn my body back towards the trees.

"Don't leave Bella, please don't run." His voice sounded less seductive now, laced with sadness and fear. The sound of him still enchanted me, and I knew it would be impossible to leave him here. But I had to, because he needed his Bella and I was not his Bella, I was a lustful, sinful being that wanted to use him. My monster didn't care if I hurt him, she barely cared if he was willing, she just wanted to claim him - mark him.

Edward still sat with his arms slightly lifted, beckoning for me to move closer to him. Seeing my indecision, he tried once more. "Please, Bella, plea-"

"I AM NOT BELLA!" I screamed at him, unable to control myself any longer. I sucked in a lungful of air after my outburst and the smells contained in it made my monster lurch from her crouch but instead of letting her have him I turned the violent energy into anger, and balled my deadly hands into fists while I screamed at him again.

"Calling me by her name wont just make her appear, Edward! And I'm sorry, God I'm sorry, and I've been trying to figure out how to find her but I don't know what to look for and I don't know what to do! I just want to use you Edward and I don't want to be that monster any more, so I can't be close to you anymore. I can't control myself around you, and I don't know why."

Toward the end of my tirade my voice got softer, and I turned my body away from the broken archangel in front of me, ashamed of what I was. I made myself to turn around to look at him, and his face was shattered, his eyes full of pain. No mask could hide it. In my chest I felt my predator yearn for him as she admired the planes of his heaving chest. The errant thought sickened me, then enraged me, and soon I found myself shrieking into the sky, wrapping my arms around my middle as if to hold myself together. After the primal sound escaped me I hunched over and fell to my knees, leaving my face inches above the fragrant earth.

"She wanted it too." My ears perked at the sound of his voice but his words meant nothing to me. I waited for him to continue, and after listening to him run his fingers through his hair he began again.

"Bella wanted me to make love to her, but I told her that it was impossible. I'd like to think that I made the best decision for both of us by holding out, but the truth is I'll never know, because I was too afraid to try."

"What.....What does that have to do with anything, Edward?" I was still angry, but it was quickly dissipating and leaving a sadness behind it.

"I want to give it to you, Bella." I tensed to argue with him but his hand shot out at me, and he quickly continued, "I know that it doesn't feel like it right now but she's still in there love. I was so stupid not to tell you that from the beginning, and I'll be honest and tell you now that I was afraid for a long time that she really was gone. Listen to me Bella, I'll explain all the details to you, and together we'll try everything we can for you to understand what is happening to you and how to get past your monster. But trust me, Bella, you are in there."

I closed my eyes and my face scrunched up like a child, trying to force tears that wouldn't fall. My head still shook weakly.

"I want to make love to you Bella, I do. But I know your monster is in control right now and thats OK, Bella, we can work with that. You can use me and I will satisfy you. I love you. I am yours."

He knew what his words would do to me, to her. He was mine, and his plea had shattered the tiny wall of self control I had constructed, and my monster immediately pushed herself into his chest and covered his lips with her mouth. She was greeted by a relieved groan that sent electricity snaking through me.

His mouth escaped from my hold and roved down my face, tracing my jawline and sliding down along the curve of my collar bone. Edward's throat was making a constant rumbling sound that reminded me of the rumbling purr of a sportscar. As his tongue and lips made contact with my granite skin the vibrations of his moan made me shiver. In that moment I lost my battle with the monster, and I could only sit back and watch the actions of my predator. As if on cue and dark and throaty growl eminated out of me.

In response Edward's growl also deepened, and his arms, which had been rubbing small circles on my arms seconds before, tightened into vices and pulled my heaving body into his chest. My predator lifted my hands to his hair and grasped handfuls of it, using my grip to maneuver his face and control our kiss. Edward ground his erection into my pelvic bone and I hissed as our tongues battled, fighting for dominance even though Edward must have known that in our current circumstances, I would undoubtebly win.

He put up quite a fight, and my predator rejoiced in the battle, and reveled in the victory.


	10. Chapter 10 The Lights

**Chapter 10 -**

**The Lights**

**Edward Cullen -**

Afterward, Bella seemed content to lie motionless with her nose pressed up against my chest, still straddling my waist with her knees on either side of me. We both breathed deeply, albeit unnecessarily, and I simply skimmed my fingers along the bones in her spine and listened to the sounds of the waterfall.

The calmness radiating off of Bella was intoxicating, lulling me into a trance-like state. With her most pressing hungers sated for the next few minutes, she was finally able to relax, think. I was hesitant to interrupt her, but something ate at me.

"Bella?" I asked quietly, trying my hardest to keep the tension drained out of her.

Unfortunately, her shoulders stiffened slightly regardless, and she began to stutter out, "I'm not sure that I -"

"Shh," I gently scolded her, tightening my grasp on her and pushing her face further into my chest. "I need to tell you something, important...and I think that now would be a good time to say it."

"Why now?" She asked, curious but sad.

I breathed in her scent deeply, she smelled like rainwater and minerals and still slightly of soot, of course; but, her recently scrubbed body was fragrant with that uniquely appetizing and floral flavor that was undeniably Bella. When she was human it had made me uncontrolled, hungry, irrational. Now it made me lustful and somehow desperate. As always, it made me whole.

"Right now you are very in control of yourself, I can feel it. For newborns, social interaction is always easier after hunting." I smiled into her hair. "It's easier to be in control of yourself when _all_ of your monster's wants are satisfied."

"I don't feel like I'm in control, right now or ever," she mumbled into my chest.

"You will, Bella. It gets easier. And I don't tell you this enough, but you're doing wonderfully." I squeezed her in my arms to emphasize my words. "I'm very proud of you."

She scoffed at that, and was silent for a moment. "How do you know the difference?"

"Hm?" I questioned, my face still burrowed in her hair.

"How do you know when I'm Bella, and when I'm not? I wish I could see it, or feel it." She finally turned her face away from my bare chest, lying her cheek against my skin and casting her gaze to the ground beside us.

I sighed. How did I explain the psychological trauma that changing causes us all? How could I make her understand that while she was so different, she was ultimately the same? Did I dare admit to her how much her confusion was my own selfish doing, my own failure at raising her?

I guess I had to start somewhere.

"Bella, when you're not in control, or when you're angry or particularly hungry or overwhelmed do you ever feel disgusted with yourself?"

"Of course," she whispered.

"It almost feels as if you're split in two on the inside, like there's this new part controlling you and nothing you can do can stop it. You feel like a prisoner." I raised my voice at the end to turn my statement into a question, and I felt Bella's head nod on my chest.

"That other part, the part that feels disgusted and helpless, _all_ of those other parts that aren't the monster...that's _you,_ Bella." My answer seemed oddly simplistic. Sure enough, it didn't satisfy her.

"So that's it? There's just me and the monster. What about all the pieces of me that I lost, all of the human parts? That's just gone?"

She was starting to get upset and I knew that her angst wouldn't help anything. While her temper might be slowly improving, her patience was still thin and her anger was explosive. I couldn't push her too far today.

"By your logic then, Bella's gone." she snapped at me.

"No love, that's exactly why she's _not_ gone." I sighed again, rubbing my hands along her back in an effort to soothe her. "I'll never be able to tell you how sorry I am for letting you believe that, even for a second. It was cruel."

My last statement was apparently too much for her, and she began to push away from me, breaking through my hold. Still struggling in my grip, she looked at me and nearly spat, "I'm so tired of the apologies Edward. Seriously. I get it. You're sorry."

"Wait, Bella. Stop." I continued to grasp at her, unable to let go, and she reluctantly stayed in my lap - mostly, I think, because she was scared of disturbing my bandaged legs below her. Finally, she stilled and looked at my face.

"I know I've apologized, but I want to do it now, while your really _here _with me. I want to apologize to Bella."

She began to struggle again. "Edward, its not like that. I might not be totally savage right now but I still don't think-"

"Listen to me" I cut her off again, praying she didn't shove off of me for my rudeness. I pulled her back into my chest, burying my face in her hair again. It was easier for me to think this way; maybe the same was true for her as well.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you, and I think that its pretty clear that it was never my intention. More like my worst nightmare. I'm sorry for putting us in the situation to begin with and I'm sorry that, and...fuck. I'm humiliated and disgusted with myself, but I'm working on that." By the end my words strung together, trying to finish before she interrupted me. "I'm sorry for the way I acted after, I haven't taken the best care of you and I definitely haven't taken very good care of myself."

Her delicious breath was ragged against me and I didn't know if she was angry or sad, but she was still quiet so after a few tense moments I continued.

"I know that you characterize yourself as three beings right now, and while I can't say that I've ever seen of heard of anything like it, it seems to be feasible under the circumstances. Bella represents all the things you lost - she's your humanity, and she was something real and understandable for you to grieve for. For us to grieve for." I wanted to apologize again, for the wallowing and enabling that I'd done, but I swallowed it down and stayed my course.

"But I don't think that its true Bella, at least not on the level that you see it now. I can tell you for a fact that it's totally normal to want to separate yourself from what happened to you, from your 'monster', so to speak. The change was hard for all of us. I know what its like to feel like you've lost who you are."

I let the thought sink in for a moment, and she was calm again, breathing in and out against my chest.

"Your humanity is gone." My voice was filled with finality but also comfort. It was a sad, simple truth. "But not everything that you were as a human is gone. All the things that made you Bella are not gone. I think, that after what happened to you, you hid a lot of your old self away, sort of a last ditch preservation effort." I sighed again and gave her body another gentle squeeze. "And now I'm going to help you, and we're going to put all of the pieces together - the old Bella and the new Isabella and even the predator that we'll learn to control."

"I hope you're right," she finally answered quietly. "I don't see how it will get better but I'll try to trust you."

"Thank you. Truly. And you're doing fine, love." I soothed her. My heart swelled at our closeness and I brushed my hands through her damp hair, causing her scent to swirl in the air around us. "I swear, it will get better. Easier. I'll show you."

**Isabella Cullen - **

I wanted to stay curled into his chest for hours, but unfortunately my extreme actions had made extended alone time much harder for us. I could smell Carlisle and Esme everywhere on the island around us, almost as if they'd coated the entire jungle with their scents, but I couldn't help but push my obligations aside for a few more short moments.

Not all of Edward's musings made sense to me, but they did all provide me with comfort, even if it was just because I truly thought he believed what he said. Bella Swan was changed, but not gone. Isabella and Bella were one in the same, she had been right here the entire time, silent and suffering.

Could it be true?

"If what you're saying is true, then I have something to say too." Edward leaned his head back when I cocked my head back away from his chest, and we looked into each other's eyes.

"I'm sorry too. I'm so, so sorry for what I did that night."

"Bella," Edward dismissed my words with the tone of his voice. He pulled our bodies back together. "You don't have to say anyth-"

This time I cut him off by pressing my lips to his, and his voice was indeed quieted and his eyes shocked and glazed when I pulled back.

"No, if you get to apologize, then so do I. If I'm still Bella, if we're really the same, then I want to say that I'm sorry for what she - I mean, I - did. I knew better than to try something like that, it put you in an impossible position."

His eyes were closed when I finished, and he sighed and pulled our faces together again, pushing our foreheads together. His voice was so quiet I barely heard him say, "You're forgiven, Bella."

"I'm also sorry for your legs," I added quietly. I knew that he was trying not to think of them, but I also knew that the pain must be significant. Just the sight of his scorched shins caused some primal part of me to cower.

He just chuckled softly. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I can't believe I did this to myself." He looked down, then back up at me through his long, bronze lashes. "I wont be able to care for you alone, anymore. Carlisle will never allow it."

I hadn't thought of that, and my instinctual reaction was defiance. More watchers meant less freedom. I had power and influence over Edward that I doubted would carry over to the rest of his family.

My anger must have been evident because I heard Edward whisper, "I'm sorry love. I know it's the opposite of what you wanted."

His words struck a chord with me, and my angers leaked away.

"No, its fine." I stated glumly. "It's probably best that the others will be here. I need all the help I can get, I guess. It's hard, it seems wrong to me...but I do need the supervision. I just want to be normal again."

"You will be", he said with confidence. "And its normal to crave independence, its part of who we are."

_who we are. _My mind reverberated with his words.

"We'll have to move on as well, if we're all going to stay together", he said. "One newborn every five decades or so is one thing, but Isle Esme is too small to support all of us, especially with your appetite." The left side of his mouth turned up, but his heart wasn't in it.

I couldn't help but frown again, and I pushed my face back into his chest to the refuge of his scent. When I was this close to him, his essence seemed to overwhelm my senses of taste, smell and touch. My monster waited impatiently in her chains, sated but never satisfied, but I was able to focus marginally when my concentration was supplemented by his overwhelming presence. I wondered absently how long we could exist in this limbo, between my hunger and lust - hiding from my anger.

I forced Edward's earlier thoughts to sing in my head, _I swear, it will get better. Easier._

"Where are we going?" I asked quietly, already resigned to leaving.

He was hesitant. "I've been thinking, that maybe it would be best if we went back to a colder climate." He felt as well as heard my sudden intake of breath to argue. "Just let me explain first, love, then you can have your say. I think that when we were in Alaska, it was easier for you to control yourself. I didn't think of it before we came here, but I imagine that this environment is particularly overwhelming for a newborn. The animals population is unnaturally dense here, exotic, and the humidity and ocean winds don't help much, I imagine. In Alaska, scents were more muted. The air was easier for you to handle."

It was true that I felt more primal here in this jungle than I had in the frozen forests. I contributed the difference to my introduction into hunting. Once I let my monster out of her cage, it was nearly impossible to cowl her again.

Was it possible that the environment was a causation of my wildness? At least one of them?

Even if it was true, the thought of that dark wooden cabin made my chest fill heavy. I didn't want to go, my monster was thoroughly against the idea.

Still - following my own instincts had nearly driven Edward and I both insane, it had cost us Esme's beachhouse, it had mutilated my Reason.

"I didn't like Alaska, but if you all think it's best I'll go back." Even though I knew it was right, my submissive words burnt on my tongue.

Edward tilted my face up. "We don't have to go to Alaska, love. We'll compromise. We can talk to Carlisle."

There it was. His casual mention of his family brought me back to our harsh reality. It wasn't fair for me to continue to huddle in the woods, avoiding what I'd done. I sighed and began the process of untangling myself from Edward's limbs. As soon as my nose left the haven of his chest, my mind swirled with sensory information, thrust at me and filed away at a speed that was still strange to me.

Once on my feet, I held my hand out for Edward and he took it, allowing himself to be hoisted off of the ground. The white pants he had on were already filthy from our time in the mud by the waterfall, and he pointed out a white dress to me a few feet away. I slipped it over my slightly damp hair and then put my arm around his middle, supporting his weight again.

"Do you want me to carry you? Or perhaps _you _would you like to try riding piggyback?" He threw his head back and laughed at my words, and I felt a sense of accomplishment, then love. I was startled by my feelings, but I was utterly stunned by my instant recognition of them. It was something that I had definitely felt before.

"I think this will do for now, love. Though if we have to do any serious traveling on foot, I might take you up on your offer."

And so once again we began to pace into the trees, keeping our pace human and gentle for Edward's benefit and clinging to one another tighter than was strictly necessary. The burning of my throat was beginning to distract me, but I pushed the need back down and tried to bottle it up in my chest. I wasn't entirely successful, and I knew that in the end it was merely a stall tactic. But for now all I could hope for was that I could hold on to some semblance of myself long enough to tell Esme and Carlisle how sorry I was.

Then I knew that my predator would break loose again, and I would turn back into something that I couldn't control or fully understand, something that I'm not sure I can ever fully accept. She will take what's hers and leave what doesn't appeal to her, and she will use Edward because he is willing and beautiful and belongs to her.

I tried not to be afraid, or angry of what would come. As we walked to my next act of repentance, and I contemplated future sins, I tried to only think of Edward's promise.

_I swear, it will get better. Easier._

**Edward Cullen - **

In the pristine wilderness outside of Forks, Washington, Charlie snored softly with his chin resting against the rough flannel of his shirt, his neck bent at an awkward angle that may have felt uncomfortable given a more civilized location and less alcohol. His fishing pole balanced precariously in his hand, limp with sleep, and fortunately no fish had happened by to jerk the line - and subsequently, the pole - into the frigid river.

I, myself was also balanced rather precariously, high in the fir trees that lined the bank on the other side of the river. I'd been watching this drunken fishing expedition for hours, listening to the soft snores and occasional jagged intakes of breath that blended evenly with the moving water. I made it a point to listen intently for the sounds of approaching animals - for my own safety - but so far I had heard nothing. Though my family had avoided the detection of human law enforcement those months ago, not everyone was so easily fooled. The Cullens would never be welcome in this part of the country again, the excommunication was completely expected and warranted, and we wouldn't fight it. With the small exception of this trip and two others, no vampire had set foot in Forks, Washington since the night that Carlisle and the rest of my family disappeared with a U-haul and a luxury car carrier into the night.

I watched his posture become more and more slumped as he collapsed further into his camping chair, his eyes lidding themselves as the bottles in his cooler were drained one by one.

I knew from thoughts overheard at his house earlier in the morning that Charlie's peace on this river bank would be his only slice of tranquility in the coming days. Sue, his on-and-off again girlfriend of the past several months, was staging what most would call an intervention, although the tribe was straying away from that exact phrasing. When Charlie returned in his police cruiser later this evening, still thoroughly buzzed and smelling of stale beer and bait, he'll be greeted by several of his lifetime friends, huddled shoulder-to-shoulder in his modest living room.

I tried not to think too much about that. I'd have to be gone long before then, not that I'd be greeted warmly by the participants anyway. The natives were the only ones in the tiny town of Forks that hadn't bought the story of Bella's disappearance. The scene of the crime had stank of our kind to them, and I knew if they caught me in these woods that there would be hell to pay.

Hell I rightfully deserved to endure.

Under slightly different circumstances I may have given myself to them. Hell, months ago I would have walked into their stronghold and started yanking on tails, provoked them into gifting me my death. But other obligations kept me from giving into that familiar, selfish grief. I concentrated on the man in front of me, leaving my own protection in the hands of my ever-lucid subconscious.

Charlie's thoughts had always been fuzzy to me, and his dreams were even harder to decipher. Mostly all I got were snatches of voices and colors, occasional flashes of faces. His sadness was unmistakable, it hung around his shoulders like a thick quilt. It was easy to hear in all of Charlie's mind, awake or otherwise.

Expectedly, he had taken the death of his only daughter with graceless desolation. He shed fat tears along with the weight that Bella's cooking had added to his frame. He'd pounded his fists into his walls until holes littered the upstairs, he drank himself oblivion on more nights than not. He threw himself into the investigation of the murder with disturbing ferver, much to the displeasure of his superiors. He drove himself nearly insane with pictures and documents, suspect histories, topographical maps. He broke down into violent hysterics when Eric Fieldman had refused to give up the location of his tiny, fragile girl, even if it was just her empty body now.

He'd been sedated for weeks in the beginning, self-medicated nearly constantly since. On some level, he would be miserable always. Unwhole. I was empathetic to his pain, even though it was incomprehensible.

My family did what they could for him, from a safe distance of course. Alice almost always saw his day-long benders coming and frequently intervened, tricking some member of Charlie's small inner circle into checking up on him or deterring him from some of his more dangerous detective ideas. Only one time had Alice shown up in person, at great individual risk, after she had a vision of him scouring mental hospitals in Juneau, looking for me. Well, not truly looking for me, but grasping for connections - desperately clinging to the memory of his daughter; his only precious child.

Alice had convinced him that a visit would destroy me, set me back months in my therapy. He relented, feeling guilty but illogically jealous that I had found any sort of relief at all.

Charlie's cell phone rang, startling him awake and causing his fishing pole to land in the dirt at his feet. With a red face and droopy eyes, he murmured illegibly and finally dragged his phone out of his front pant's pocket. After a few quick words with Sue, he hung up and began to gather his things. The past eighteen months hung like a heavy weight across his back - one that not even Alice could see dissipating.

I carefully hopped between tree limbs until I was safely blanketed by the trees. Then I dropped down to the forest floor, hissing as I landed, and took off at my oddly swift but awkward gait.

I would bring only good news to Bella, his health, his fishing trip, unless some specific question of her's wouldn't allow that. I couldn't lie to her (_no more masks, she'd said in all solemnity a few weeks before..._), but I would still try to protect her, if she'd let me.

Her determination was staggering, and I knew that I shouldn't be surprised but sometimes I couldn't help but be awed by her endurance and trust, her forgiveness of me. Could she really have forgiven me?

While I pondered, I continued my uneven lope through the forest, heading south. I had miles to go before twilight.

**Isabella Cullen - **

Eighteen long months had passed since the tragedy that tore all of our lives apart. In some ways it seemed like it happened yesterday, the scars were so fresh and sore and overwhelming. Sometimes it seems like another lifetime altogether that I was in high school, worrying about avoiding the advances of Mike Newton and blushing furiously at the slightest provocation from Edward.

Sometimes my human life doesn't seem real at all.

I know that it was...I believed that now. I'd heard a thousand stories from my family, some sad or embarrassing but many more that were happy and amusing, most of the time even vaguely familiar. Even though I no longer had the books, everything that I read in them, everything that I wrote, was still etched in my brain.

Eighteen long, trying months had come and gone while I coped with what my life had become. In that time I'd wished more times than I could count (well, that's not entirely true, I can recall every, single one) that I could physically cry. Humans are so blessed to be able to tangibly push their pain, or sometimes their overpowering joy or fear, from their body. He act was full of nostalgia for me, promised traces of comfort, but it was something that was wholly impossible for me, at least in the way that I craved.

Sometimes, being a vampire is about accepting things like that.

My throat was beginning to burn past the point of annoyance into pain, so I reached for the black water bottle at my feet. My hand was only inches from my prize when my head yanked back and stopped my progress.

"Stay still!!" Alice said above me, popping me brusquely with the curling iron still holding a lock of my hair.

"Ow! Fuck Alice!" I snapped, even though it didn't really hurt. My cursing had gotten much worse in the last six months or so, and although Esme disapproved, I figured it was a semi-appropriate outlet for my lingering newborn ire. "I'm thirsty! Let me lean down and get that." I pointed at the bottle.

Alice sighed as if I'd just asked to set fire to her hair products, and reluctantly unclamped my hair from the wand.

I snatched my bottle and drank greedily. I'd waited a full sixteen hours since my last meal, and I couldn't help but be a little proud of myself. I wanted to tell Edward, because I knew that'd he appreciate the focus that it took me, but he was currently indisposed. I sighed as Alice stuck her hands back into my wild hair, trying to coax it's anarchy into composed waves.

After a while she gave up, finally embracing my inner bed head and simply tousling my locks with seawater spray. I changed quickly then began pacing - another human habit that has stayed with me, much to the dismay of my siblings.

I stopped for a moment in front of the mirror. My riotous hair was my most distinctive feature, but my wide, yellow eyes were a close second. Alice had forgone makeup, for which I was grateful. My bright stare and wine-stained lips needed no enhancement. I was beautiful. It had taken time, but I'd come to accept that too.

I'd finally seen reason the day that Edward had made me stare in the mirror at our home in Finke, Australia. It was only a few months ago, and it was the first time I'd looked in a mirror since Alaska, when my eyes had been a brilliant, ruby red.

He'd had to literally force me to meet my own gaze in the mirror, after dragging me under the guise of horseplay through the house over his shoulder. He pinned my arms to my sides and forced my chin up, and there staring back at Edward and I was a wild yet striking woman with eyes that oozed and glowed like warm honey. I'd been entranced, and I stared in the mirror for hours, watching my deathly-still features, feeling Edward's hands as they began to move along my stomach, his head bending down to brush his lips against my shoulder.

The dress that I changed into was rather plain, in Alice's expert opinion. Rosalie agreed but Esme stood by me, as always, stating that there was sometimes little difference between plain and classic. I loved it, not really because of how it looked but because it was the one garment that I owned that I chose and purchased myself.

The trip to Alice Springs had been my first real test in a town. Before then, the only human scent I'd dealt with were a few delivery men and the occasional cloth or bauble that someone would bring back from civilization. However, on my one year anniversary, Edward stuck by me when I argued that the only proper celebration my family could give me was an opportunity for more independence.

All eight of us had descended upon the small town of Alice Springs and with Edward and Jasper by my side I walked into some nondescript retail store, took exactly six breaths, spoke four strained words to a sales clerk, and purchased my deep blue cotton sundress completely under my own power. Afterward Edward had nearly drug me to the treeline where he picked me up off my feet, pressing his lips soundly against mine.

That was the first night we made love. Edward and Bella. No monsters involved.

It was a huge victory for both of us still, even though it happened nearly six months ago and during that time I had graduated from quick shopping expeditions to local overnight trips. Edward was healing everyday, and he took almost as much joy from the excursions as I did, as they gave us freedom together, we protected each other.

After our move to Australia, it seemed as though everything changed. Living amongst so many others, being literally forced to interact with them, was something that I'd not even had to contemplate on the Island. It was hard and I got my feelings hurt and I hurt others. Carlisle and I spent a lot of time in his office those first few months, both for stern warnings and anguished heart-to-hearts. Sometimes I hated Carlisle, but during those times I tried to comfort myself with the thought that it was better than hating Edward.

Because I just couldn't hate him anymore. It was too mentally taxing to try, it hurt even more than just adapting. He had forgiven me for my transgressions in the jungle of the Isle, when he'd whispered that I was forgiven he'd truly meant it, and it showed in every thoughtful thing he did for me. He was my confidant and protector from the others when I needed it, he was my monster's outlet for the lust and agression that I felt. Since he didn't need to be my parent anymore, he finally, _completely, _became something else.

He still felt guilt and pain, and I think we'd both accepted that it would always be there somewhat. He promised to try to live around it, and he did try, and that had to be good enough for me. I accepted him, as he accepted me.

"Let's get this show on the road!" Rosalie suddenly yelled from the doorway, jarring me out of my musings. A few hours before I'd been impatient, then nervous. I'd been distracted the entire day, and I doubted that would change. But now, however, I also felt peaceful. Ready.

I followed Rosalie out of the room where Alice intersected us, falling in to line behind Rosalie. I followed a few steps behind them as we descended a small flight of steps. I'd have to remember to thank them both after this was over, they'd been so good about all of this, even though they were so adamantly against it in the first place. _Such a classless locale_, Alice had said.

In no time, I was standing in front of an elderly human man, wearing a pressed navy suit and a slightly obnoxious handlebar mustache. Emmett was literally vibrating in his seat, staring at it, and when he finally couldn't bear it, he let out a deep, coughing laugh - which earned him a nudge from Esme. The smell of the man was uncomfortable, but I refused to acknowledge it, I refused to even contemplate it.

Edward stood on the other side of the minister, his expression raw and real. There was no shadows or masks today.

_I knew that you were Bella by what I saw in your eyes, _he'd told me a few weeks after we left the Isle, his voice exasperated but still patient in light of the constant questions he'd endured for hours about how he'd _known, _for sure, that I was still Bella. Now as we stared at each other's eyes, I knew exactly what he had meant. I could see everything there, written in his darkening orbs. They said, _I'm sorry, _and _I forgive you _and _I'm happy. _They held love and devotion and barely any guilt, which was miles from where we'd come.

I don't think either of us heard many words the elderly human said, we had our own conversation amongst the loving stares of our families. Even though our abilities made the lights and sounds outside the chapel nearly theatrical, neither of us noticed anything outside the small space of tranquility surrounding us. As Edward slid a ring on my left hand, I fingered the slightly warped band that hung from my neck with my right. It was the same ring that Esme had returned to us, together, after we'd reappeared on the dock.

It was missing a few of the smaller stones, and the golden band was warped and tarnished. Alice had mentioned that some of the damage could be fixed, but it didn't seem appropriate. Instead I just kept the treasure in our room, safe in our family home. Except for special occasions like today, when I wore it on a thin golden chain.

I slid a matching golden band on Edward's long, pianist finger while his hand shook. We repeated simple, time-tested vows and when he kissed me, he did it with his eyes open.

The obnoxious signs outside of the chapel windows threw red, blue and green light on the opposite wall of the church. The night-sounds of Vegas swirled around our bubble of calm, and our small gathering of family clapped and hooted like spectators at a baseball game. Even with flawless, vampire minds we didn't comprehend any of it.

I did vaguely hear the elderly priest introduce me as Mrs. Bella Cullen.

**THE END**

_**AN: Well, that's it guys. As in, no epilogue. This chapter felt to final to do another epilogue kind of chapter. I hope I did right by you all, but this just seemed like the right place to end it. I've planned the end to be here all along, and maybe I should have been up front with that, but I thought it was more fun to keep everyone guessing. Good plan? Horrible plan? This is my first completed fanfic but I'd like to continue, so I'd appreciate any support or constructive critisism.**_

_**I would like to say sorry to the few people who I know will be disappointed with the end of this story. I've definitely learned on this journey that you can't please everyone *smile*. Some readers wanted instant relief, some wanted more blood and guts, some just wanted more sex, haha. I think I gave most at least a taste of what they wanted, or a valid reason why not, and I think its important to stay true to my vision of where this story would go, and make it as realistic as possible given the circumstances. I hope you guys got it.**_

_**Oh, and I reposted this entire story, as I've done a lot of work on each chapter since the first time I posted it. **_

_**If you aren't completely turned off by this point, then I gotta be shameless for a sec and encourage you to read my newest story, on my profile under the working title "Triggered". Something new and interesting for me, but still definitely in true MissusMelancholy style. Consider it the 'New Moon' adapation, where this was an 'Eclipse' AU story.**_

_**Also, if you want something a little lighter after all this angst, check out my one shot 'Deeper Water' - pretty self explanatory I think. A request, but I'm pretty happy with it. Consider it a nice lemon souflee after all this dark chocolate ;o)**_

_**Once again, thanks for reading and for those of you who review, you don't even freaking know how much you guys do for me. I'd thank you all individually but I'd totally leave someone out and that would be bitchy of me, wouldn't it?**_

_**Thanks for the encouragement!**_

_**M.M.**_


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